I can't do this right now

[Quixotic1]

As many of you know I cycle up and down with depression and fatigue.  I just got back from my new PCP (old one retired).  New one doesn't "buy" that I feel I am unable to work.  At each visit he urges me to find something I can do, to make use of my knowledge, to continue to be productive.  As I try to explain my fatigue, he suggests things like, arranging to take a nap in the day, or some other inane suggestion.  I struggle to answer a few questions here before I need to lie back and close my eyes until the world stops whirling.  I have about 3 hours of useful energy a day broken into five or six hitches.  

I tried to tell him I found something that I could do online, and that I got a lot out of it - feeling appreciated, useful.  Instead of being pleased that I'm trying to do something he advised me "not to get a swelled head over it."  I'm frustrated, humiliated, wondering if I am, indeed, as lazy as he suggests or just a wimp because I gave up.  

I have great admiration for people with this disease who vow to fight and not let it define them.  I can only ask, "Fight with what?"  I am exhausted by emptying our four litter boxes or going to the basement to run a load of laundry.  The trip to the doctor put me down for three hours.  Today I am overwhelmed by the pain and frustration on the board.  I can't formulate my thoughts, I can't put simples things together.

The two doctors that treated me with understanding and compassion have both retired.  All the new doctors I meet make some snap judgment about who I am now.  I am so tired of being treated like a depressed middle aged women who claims to be disabled because she is a little dizzy, a little weak and a little tired.

That's all, the tones you hear in my notes are just that, the same frustration, pain, fear that you all feel sometimes.  I miss the person I was!  I was good at it!  I don;t want to be this way!  q

[showdogs]

Pay no attention to that man behind the white coat.  Sounds like HE's the one with the swelled head and that his practice is all done with "smoke and mirrors."  I won't even dignify the way he treated you with a rebuttal.

Now, enough about him.  Let's talk about you.  I echo all the sentiments here of your value to the people here, your dedication to using your knowledge, education, and experience, and not just sitting back and resting on the laurels of what I have no doubt was a successful practice.  

I have the utmost respect for (good) Pediatricians (and I have no children, so it doesn't come from personal experience).  It comes from realizing that you must have much better diagnostic skills, and be more observant than a PCP.  Many of your patients (especially the very young ones), can't tell you how they feel, they can't give you a history, in reality, they can't do much to help you help them.  

The skill you developed as a Pediatrician - to see and hear beyond the ability of the patient to present symptoms, or give a good history, is what makes you so very good at what you do on this board.  You use your diagnostic instincts and the drive to research and find answers to a degree most physicians don't take the time to do - why?  It's NOT to feed your ego, and certainly not your bank account, but because you define what a physician should be.  And are continuing to be exactly that to the people here.

A physician should be someone skilled at finding answers that help people understand and deal with the disease, or symptoms of a disease, that plague their lives.  We come to you with words typed out on a keyboard.  You can't see us, or hear our voice or examine our bodies - yet your insight is AMAZING!  The questions you ask, the observations you make, are all those of a physician who has extremely keen diagnostic skills, and continues to use them and to develop them.    

I understand that the insensitivity of people, especially those to whom you are vulnerable, can make you feel frustrated, humiliated, and like you gave up.  But the truth is you have done anything BUT give up.  You are fighting a good fight.

I love your screen name, and I understand how you must feel like you are flailing at the wind, trying to make sense of your day, trying to weave your way through the disease, trying to keep your life vital.

Please know that each of us here consider you to be a success, right NOW, not just in your previous practice.  You are succeeding in helping people in a way that is much harder to do than when a doctor sees a patient in the office.  You are working hard girl, each time you get on this board.  You work hard to work through the symptoms of the disease that make it difficult to read, to write, to think clearly, to stay up long enough to complete a post.  YOU ROCK! ! !  I can't say it enough.

As a matter of fact, I have told many of my friends about you - about how you give of yourself here, and how very valuable you are to the many people with questions and fears who are looking for answers.  

Please know that each of us here want the very best for you - however that plays out.  If that means you need to take a break from the board, then take a break.  Take a vacation, if you will, and feed your soul.  I know helping people feeds your soul, but I'm sure it takes a lot out of you as well.  

Know that we support you, and love you, even though we've never met face-to-face, I think we've met heart-to-heart.  And our hearts thank you.  You don't have to feel "up" to be here.  You don't always have to be the strong one.  You can bring us your pain.  Sometimes we need to be able to give something back to you.

We will hold you up in prayer.  We will speak to each other of the wonderful things you have done for all of us.  We will love to hear from you when you are able.  And we will respect you for taking care of yourself, as well as for everything you give to those on this board.  

Thank you for being so transparent, and for allowing us the privilege of telling you how much you mean to each of us.  

Much love to you.

~Elaine

[harrie]

hi quix

i posted a msg very soon after you posted yours, somehow it didnt show up, just to say that i really hope your feeling better at the time of reding this and no matter who tries to pt you own, do you best to bouce back because your the so much better person. have faith , we all have bad times all we can do is carry on, please do, have faith in yourself your a brilliant and thoughtful person

harrie

[Nanners123]

Just wanted to keep this near the top so when you are able to catch up you would not have to search too far.

[IUMOM2]

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. You mean a lot to us here (isn't that obvious?:))

What you are doing here is important!! It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I think all doctors should experience a chronic illness if only for a short period of time. Did you ever see the movie The Doctor? William Hurt plays a no it all doctor who becomes ill. In time, he changes in realizes how wrong he's been about treating his patients.

I can relate to your PCP not getting things. The last few times I've seen him have been in the late afternoon when I am totally exhausted. It seemed as though he thought I was depressed. I'm not just have periods of extreme fatigue.

Take care of you for now. If that means you need time away from all of us, well, we understand.

IUMOM

[JonM]

You are loved...you are defined here!!!!!
JonM

[monotreme]

Quix, as being a new person on this forum, I want to thank you for your insight and compassion in answering my questions.  In the past year, I have met more than my share of uncaring, arrogant physicians, even ones who have told my wife she would be better off without me holding her back in life.  You have inspired me this week and helped me to think that maybe there are still nice people in the medical profession.   Thank you.  Your knowledge and empathy are priceless to this forum and all the hurting people with this horrible disease.