OT-Dire need for support!!

[jenandherboys]

Hello all!  I don't post too frequently, but often read up on everyone's posts and I feel I know many of you.  Right now, I need some support/encouragement after a VERY long year with a PAINFUL and SAD ending.  On the up side, my neuro is fairly confident that the symptoms that have plagued me for more than the last year are due to MS and has started me on Rebif.  All in all, the therapy is going pretty well, and I am just over 2 weeks into it.  

The journey to this conclusion-mainly in the last year-has left me drained, physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.  My husband and I had to hire an attorney's office to negotiate a modification on our mortgage due to the financial burden of my medical bills.  On November 21st, I broke my left foot when I lost my balance while dodging my twins who were trying to "help" me get ready for work.  It is still unclear if the break is healing and I've had to take more time off of work(some unpaid) since I have to be on crutches again.  

If that wasn't enough, our car died earlier this month and will need to be junked(luckily, I have a VERY gracious Mother-in-law who is giving us money to by a replacement).  All of these stresses have been a strain on everyone in my family, especially my husband and I.  My husband has become increasingly distant and depressed, so he  started talking with a therapist.

The biggest and final shock of the year came a couple of days ago when my husband tearfully confided to me that he is gay, and this was the reason for his depression and disconnect from the family.  I love him dearly, and hate to see him suffer so, and I grieve for all the future plans that must be abandoned.  

However,  we are communicating more now than we have in a very long time and will work together to find our new family dynamic.  

Thanks for letting me vent-I need to get some of this out and can't yet tell some of the people close to me until we decide how to disclose this new "wrinkle" in my husband's identity.

Be well and Happy New Year!

Jen

[anon07072023]

Wow, after coming back and reading everyone's posts, I sit here in disbelief.  
I have simply been blown away (and honestly, very surprised) by everyone's responses and heart-felt support.  

Almost 15 yrs ago I was in the same position as Jen's husband after being married for only about 1 1/2 yrs.  I came out to my then husband when I was 24 yrs old.  He was very supportive of me.  And by coming out, it explained a lot to him about me in our relationship.  It was a watershed for him.  I think how wonderful it would have been for him to have posted on here, like Jen did, and have him receive the same responses /support as you posted to her.

You are all truely beautiful people and the world is a much better place with you all in it.

Thanks for the support,
Kelly  :-)      

[jenandherboys]

There are no words to express my gratitude to all of you.  You have opened your hearts to a stranger in need and I thank you.  I only hope I can someday repay this debt by way of offering the same kindness and compassion to someone else in need of support.

Be well.

Jen

[Guitar_grrrl]

Jen,
First, a big hug to you, and nods of understanding.  

My sister discovered the same thing of herself this year, and left her husband of 14 years.  He's quite bitter about it, but I think when all the dust settles, they'll remain friends.  

My other connection with the LGBT community is I have Lesbian moms.  My own mom came out back in '63, and my "aunties" and "uncles" were all members of that community, and all artists, writers, musicians, intellectuals, teachers...I felt very fortunate to have these friends in my life.

I'm still close with my 82 year old straight dad. He's responsible for getting me so involved in my love of all things outdoors, and environmental activism.  He's had a wonderful life as well, and helped raise 3 kids, and is now enjoying his grandkids and new great-grandson.

I know you are strong and will find your path.  I wish you, your husband and your boys well.  

Again, big (((hugs))).
Lisa

[Sparkysarah]

Dearest Jen

Sometimes when we are faced with what seems the most insurmoutable challenges, the path ahead seems very murky and unclear. I sense that this is where things are for you and that each step ahead needs to be very slow and tentative.

Jen my heart goes out to you for what you have shared with us all, your honesty, your courage, your dignity and your loyalty when the one things that cements a marriage together..trust..has been shaken. But therein I would say there is still hope as your husband has been honest and has taken the greatest courage in his hands to tell you this after 16 years of marriage.  You will both have to decide the way forward and this is not going to be easy and needs time.

About 5 years ago, I guessed that a close female friend of mine who had been married for a similar time as you, was gay. I was not a counsellor then, but the experience of what then happened led me to take this path. She asked me to be there with her when she told her husband (who was in a very public profession) that she was gay. They have remained friends and I can only say that the dignity with which he accepted the news, was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. I recognise this strength and love in you and only you and your husband can decide how you progress forward and what is best for both of you and your three sons.

Please take time, and surround yoursefl with those you can trust and love..you will really find out who your true friends are. You have had more than your fair share to deal with recently and at the moment I expect you will have days when you feel "why me" so allow yourself time to grieve when you need to and just having a good cry and letting it out is I beleive cathartic.

I hope that you will be able to trust your own judgment and instinct. No-one else can make any decisions for you and I hope that those around you can provide sounding boards for you and your husband. You have been given some wonderful support from others on this forum who have offered love, empathy and understanding and never has it been so well deserved.

With much love and hold on to your inner strength

Sarah x

[rendean]

Just remember we are ALWAYS here for you and all the members, no matter what the issue. Support and a sense of family is what drives this forum. I'm glad we could help.

Hugs,
Ren

[jenandherboys]

Yet again, I sit in awe as I feel the compassion and acceptance flow through these posts.  I am so proud to be a part of a family that rallies around a single member to offer support and encouragement; especially in a situation so far removed from the usual discussions.

I am both humbled and uplifted by the comments here.  I am beginning to wonder if there is a greater purpose behind my development of MS: maybe I was meant to find you all here not just for the information and knowledge about MS, but more for the support, encouragement and kindness that I so desperately needed at this moment in my life.

I can't thank you all enough-in fact, thank you seems so hollow and trite under these circumstances; but what else is there??...so....thank you...all of you.

Be well.

Jen

[Lulu54]

Jen,
Often I am proud of this community but never more so than now in reading your post with all its honesty and then the open hearted responses from our forum family.

There really is nothing to add to what has already been written - just know that as you deal with everything - kids, money, husband, MS - that we are here for you.  

gentle hugs and some hand -holding, too
Lulu

[Sumanadevii]

There is always good with bad.  As sad as it seems with your husband admitting he is a gay man, he also shows a great deal of compassion in that he was willing to seek help and be honest with you.  Your picture of family was thrown into a tailspin in just moments and it will take time for you to comprehend all that has happened.  However, just the little you have said tells a lot.  I have a feeling you will find a close friendship for life with the father of your children.  Surely his mother has shown she will be there for both of you.

Both of you are going to need support during this difficult time.  Your husband has found someone.  I hope you seek someone.  It doesn't need to be a professional.  A good friend that is willing to listen is as much help.  

Your children?  They will be fine if both of you continue using the maturity you have shown.  I send strength to your family and wish the best for all of you.

[twopack]

By the way, despite the extremely poor timing, I'm celebrating the fact that your husband was able lift himself away from depression long enough to share his struggle with you.  He could have so easily permanently separated himself from his children forever with another choice.  I'm impressed by the trust, respect and love evident in your relationship.

For what it's worth, I have a feeling the gay community will be more willing than the straight to help you both move through the process ahead with the least angst.  If / when you are ready, you may find a valuable resource for experienced advise there.

Mary

[figuerpa]

Jen,

First off let me send you a super big cyber hug (((((((((( HUG ))))))))))

You have been through so much and the stress can not be good for your MS. I am so glad you got to start the Rebif though.

All that you have been through can only bring on a better 2011. I am glad you and your husband are talking more now, sorry to hear the reasons for it.

You know that we are all here for you to vent or just to talk to. I things will get better for you.

Take Care,
Paula

[Willowwoman777]

Wow..My heart goes out to you. I am feeling pretty much the same way. This has been an overwhelming year for me, as well. Except for the husband being gay part, everything that could go wrong this year has. My husband nearly died 3 times this year. A home health aide he had did something questionable considered sexual misconduct, 2 major exacerbations and the list goes on. I'm hoping/praying for this to be a year of peace and joy. I try to take the attitude of AA's "one day at a time". Not easy. I also (when I remember) before I go to sleep I start with the letter A and go down the alphabet until I fall asleep and find something for each letter to thank God for. That helps...alot.

I am so very impressed that with your husband's disclosure, you can still speak of him with love and compassion. That tells me you are a woman of great grace and dignity with a huge heart. I will be praying for you.

[twopack]

You are right Jen.  Bitterness and resentment are toxic stressors to be avoided.  Always.  When you're living with MS, stress acts like a swinging hammer waiting to take you down, expecially early on before treatment can help your body stabilize.  You have enough dodging to do already.

I admire your present state of mind.  It will help you move forward when the timing is right to take each step.  Yet, I fully expect to also hear you crying, raging, bargaining, blaming, etc, etc, etc.  You have been served up several generous helpings of change.  Change, especially when imposed rather than chosen, requires grief to follow.  

The year that started today will surely be difficult.  Try to never lose sight of the many good days waiting for you all to catch up with them.  I am making a committment today to hold the intentions of 'Jen and ALL her boys' in my heart throughout 2011.

I feel certain this community will continue to listen and support you through whatever is headed your way.

Mary

[jenandherboys]

Huge thanks to everyone who sent such caring words and thoughts my way-it helps to have some place to express myself where I don't fear judgement and I know I'll always find the support I need!  

Everyone has had such positive comments, that really means a lot to me.  I found another website with an open forum that was just for "straight spouses", but, unfortunately, it was filled with bitterness and resentment.  I guess the most vocal people posting on the forum were also those who had been hurt the most by their circumstances.  I can do without that kind of toxic commentary.

I'm sure I'll be turning to you all quite often as this journey reveals itself to my family.

Be well.

Jen

[Audrey_M]

Dear Jen:

Somehow that saying "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade" doesn't even begin to pertain to your situation. You've been dealt some pretty major blows, spaced very tightly together in time. My heart goes out to you and your family during this very stressful period.

I marvel at the compassionate advice that others have given, which is full of tremendous wisdom.

While it must have been an incredibly painful conversation for both you and your husband when he revealed his sexuality, I hope that you find some solace in the fact that he realized that he had to be true to both himself and you by doing so. It is very positive to read that you love him, which I read as a genuine love and caring for this man. Hopefully, there will be many more conversations between the two of you on this subject as it has to have been incredibly complex for him and now for you as you address the situation.

I can't begin to imagine the emotions you must be going through with all of this. As you know, this is a safe place to come to get it out and receive support.

Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts.

Wrapping my arms around you through cyberspace with a comforting hug,

Audrey

[wiggles94]

So sorry to hear about all you have been going through.

If you are up to reading a book - I have found, When Things Fall Apart, by Pema Chodron- to be very inspirational for me.  Reading it helps me to keep things in perspective, and to understand that sh** happens- and it's how we choose to respond to it that can make or break us.  It looks at things from a buddhist point of view - I'm not a buddhist, but when things get tough for me - I need the peace and centering that goes along with their teachings.  

Good luck Jen.  I hope you find some peace in all the chaos.
Carol

[Jepster]

Hi Jen,

Wow... That's a whole lot of stuff to contend with all at once.

Whatever happens, the fact that you're standing by your husband and want to support him so that he finds his way to happiness is really the most important thing for you and your children. I've friends who've come out to their husbands and I've seen how difficult the decision is to confide, and also the pain and consideration put into making that decision. Those families who've come through the difficult times with an understanding that everyone is hurting, and who're willing to be supportive of each other have faired by far the best in the long run.

Good luck Jen... One thing though, don't ever forget that you're a wonderful person.

Jep    

[jenandherboys]

Ren, Alex and Kelly,

Thanks so much for the kind words and advice!  You all help remind me to keep focus on the next hour, the next day, the next week.  I can't look forward a month or a year with worry or fear, it's a waste of time and energy.  I must practice patience and take care of myself as much as I take care of the rest of my family-including my husband.

Here's hoping Rebif and 2011 are both good to me(us)-and to everyone else in our little "family" here as well!

Be well.

Jen

[rendean]

Jen,

I don't have much to add that Kelly and Alex haven't already said so eloquently and thoroughly. I am happy you have received a diagnosis and are on treatment. Sorry to hear about your marriage but like the others said, the communication is open now, that's a positive twist to this roller coaster. Remember, your husband is still the same person he was before he told you about his sexuality, so that doesn't change how much you love him or what kind of father he is.

As for your foot, I hope it does heal well. If you smoke,and I don't have a clue if you do, stop as it delays healing tremendously.

Please know that I am sending good thoughts and vibes your way,
Ren

[HVAC]

You have been through a lot. Everyone with MS's first year is a roller coaster. Yours is just one of those super coasters. It is good you and your husband are communicating. Anything that can happen in regular life can happen to us. Just remember who ever you tell he is gay you can never take back that knowledge. I have no problem with it, never have. Some people are judgemental.

I have been through the absolute wringer in my life and I can tell you taking things one day at a time sometimes one moment is crucial. Worry is trying to control what you can't. Guilt is a waste of time. Anger is good. Resentment is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Humor is a life saver. You always have to have hope. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. When you can accept the situation for what it is not better no worse you find piece. There is always something to be grateful for. having faith in something higher than yourself can get you through the darkest hours.

I hope 2011 is better.

Alex

[anon07072023]

Hi Jen,

I'm sorry for the struggles that you have had to face this year and very recently.  Sometimes we probably feel that we haven't been given a fair shake in life.  

On a lighter note, I am happy that you have been able to start Rebif for MS.  I hope that it helps you.

I know this is going to be a difficult time for you and your husband trying to figure everything out between you.  I hope you remain close to each other - whatever happens.  Although, I understand that it will be a big change in your relatonship with him. I'm glad that you are communicating more now.  I hope you don't feel alone, because I know others who have gone through this same thing as you both are right now.  

Best of luck to you in the New Year.
-Kelly