10 year old anger

My 10 year old son is the youngest of 4. My 3 elder children are from my first marriage. My 10 year old is from my second marriage. I am divorced from his father, who is a non-recovering alcoholic. He has infrequent contact with his Dad. I have huge problems with his conforming under authority at school ( he is at a Waldorf School ), he bullies and thrives on negative attention. He is of above average IQ, and does struggle in written English for his grade ( tho most  of his peers do too) Behaviours displayed at school would NEVER be tolerated at home ( and have never been displayed), and  I am constantly surprised at the contrast between both environments. My son admits to his behaviour feeling he is "already labelled anyway" , he shows distrust in most teachers believing school to be unjust and punishment unfairly meted out. He is rude, challenging and stubborn, unswayed by the prospect of punishment. In confidence with me he expresses feelings of inadequacy and believes he will be "a loser" like his dad, when showing emotion in this regard a huge upswell of rage is very evident .At home he is the total contrast, he is helpful, considerate, does not display tantrums or angry outbursts and does not resort to lashing out physically. Interestingly his relationships with his peers at school is strong, and these relationships are nurtured and welcomed by his peers parents afterhours and on weekends. He is mild mannered at their homes and is always very respectful, showing maturity beyond his years. I have now had to remove him from this school due to his misconduct. He has been accepted at a mainstream school from January - I have been upfront with the principal who believes they can "catch" him - I am deeply concerned that he is on a slippery slope  here and am desparate to prevent him from self-sabotaging!!!!   HELP PLEASE - any advice MOST WELCOME - kind regards Alison

[Rebecca Resnik, PsyD]

Hello,
   many boys who have infrequent contact with their fathers start to show oppositional behavior and anger at this age. The worst of it tends to peak during their early adolescence, so getting help now is a very good idea. These boys often feel rejected and miss their dads. I agree with you that his behavior most likely reflects how he feels inside. I am a believer in psychologist Haim Ginnott's principle that 'when kids feel right, they act right.'  Your son does sound like he needs help dealing with these awful feelings of hurt and anger.

    It sounds like a fresh start at a new school would be a good idea, particularly as this new principal sees potential in him. You know that your son has the ability to choose to be kind and loving, so the important thing is to help him learn to avoid responding to his feelings with undesirable behavior.  A psychologist or counselor can help teach him to manage and understand his feelings. The clinician should also be willing to work with you and the school to create a positive behavior management plan. Your pediatrician should be able to refer you to an appropriate clinician.

I am not at all surprised to hear you say that punishment is not working. Research has shown for decades that punishment is not a particularly effective way of changing behavior. Relying mostly on punishment leads to angry, provocative, and avoidant children. A therapist can help you adopt effective means of managing behavior through positive reinforcement, which will be so much better for all concerned.

In the meantime, here's some great books that you may find useful:
The Kazdin Method by Alan Kazdin (great guide to positive behavior management)
How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber
Difficult Questions Kids Ask and Are Afraid to Ask About Divorce by Meg Schneider

Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik

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