stepfather and kid issues

JUST MARRIED AND MOVED IN WITH A 37 YR OLD MAN WHO HAS NEVER BEEN MARRIED OR HAS NO CHILDREN. MY KIDS AGES 10 1/2 AND 12, ARE HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME RESPONDING TO HIS AUTHORITY IN THE HOUSE. HOW DO I MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND THAT GETTING IN THERE FACE EVERYDAY ABOUT CHORES AND BEHAVIOR IS NOT THE WAY TO GO. MY KIDS I KNOW HAVE TRIED TO PLEASE HIM BUT THEY ARE KIDS AND FORGET SOMEDAYS TO PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES. HOW DO I TEACH HIM THAT KIDS WILL BE KIDS AND NEED A LOT OF WORK NOT VERBAL ABUSE EVERY DAY. I AM TORN BETWEEN MY KIDS WHO NEED SOME LOVE AND MY NEW MARRIAGE WHO NEEDS ME TOO.. HELP HOW DO I PLEASE BOTH AND HELP RAISE A HEALTHY FAMILY.

[Rebecca Resnik, PsyD]

Hello,
   being torn between what is right for your kids and keeping peace in your marriage is a very unpleasant place to be! So first lets tackle the subject of step-parenting. One of the hardest things for a new step-parent (and I am one too) is to figure out your role in the household. Many a step parent makes the error of trying to come into the household acting like a biological parent. This is a big mistake. A step-parent who tries to assume too much disciplinary authority will create resentment in the children and become very frustrated over time.  

    Your husband has a right to be treated with civility, and to expect that the household will be somewhat organized, but you are the children's mother. It is your role to do the disciplining, and his role to support you and your decisions. It is critical to talk together to decide how you want to handle the worst situations and the things that the kids do that are the hardest for him to tolerate. However, unlike many biological dads, your husband should not be the 'enforcer.' You two need to come to some agreements so that you can present a united front to the children. If the kids see him as the 'bad guy' and you as the 'protector' this is likely to hurt your marriage by putting you on separate 'teams'.

   It also sounds like your spouse may not have age appropriate expectations for your children. It will be very important for the success of your new family that you get some help dealing with this issue. Yelling, threatening or intimidating children will lead to avoidance, fear and anger. I am sure your new husband is trying to establish his authority, and that is not inappropriate in itself, but parenting through intimidation will lead to a very unhappy household, particularly when these kids enter adolescence and start yelling back!

   I would strongly encourage you to get some help from a psychologist or counselor. You and your husband should meet with the clinician as a couple to help you both get on the same page about how you would like your household to be (I would not involve the kids in the therapy for some time if at all). Your spouse will do a lot for your marriage by learning to parent through positive means (which are more effective than punishment or intimidation). It will probably also help your spouse to hear from someone besides you what he can and can not expect from children this age.

Best Wishes
Rebecca Resnik
Disclaimer: This Medhelp post is written for informational purposes only. It is never intended to replace face-to-face psychological or medical care. This Medhelp post is not intended to create a patient-clinician relationship, nor to give or rule-out a diagnosis.