Mother who doesnt love me

[autum]

My mother who I have lived w/ with out my father being in the picture since I was two, I have not had a mother/daughter relationship for 5 years now.  This is sick but here it is: when I broke up w/ my son's father, my mother got with my sons father's father. In other words its my son's grandpa....  anyways one night I went to her job to see her and she asked to get my son for two days...  well those were my days off and I wanted to see my son... so i said could you get him another day or so, because I want to spend time w/ him..  well she got pissed and threw my son's father's visitation papers in my face by saying ill take you to court! I wasnt being mean or anything, I just said I wanted to see him those days, she wanted him on....  I just said could you get him after or before those days...  then she really broke my heart by saying that so we didnt talk for a while... then I tried talking to her again, but she was just using me for info...  after that... my sons father kept on going to court (w/ his dad and my mother) saying those were his parents...   she was on their side...  anyways..after five years I tried having a mother/daughter  relationship w/ her again, and then my son came home from their house, all screwed up..  he is 7yrs old...  I didnt know what was wrong w/ him, but come to find out they messed w/ his head some how... he was going to therapy for a couple of times... because he would cry all night until 5am in the morning, he stayed depressed, he told me he wanted his grandma(my mother) to be his mom, and when i was goin to die!  So I told my mother, his grandpa, and dad(which they all live together) that I was keeping him for two weeks to get him in routine again for school, since he wasnt doing so well..  (by the way when they took me to court for grandparents rights, even though they got him every weekend, they then were only allowed visitation every second week sat 9am to sun 5pm...)  it wasnt even their visitation time...and they got all pissed starting stuff...  now my mother treats me like ****...  I asked why she was treating me like this and she is saying it is my fault...  what should I do??  this is just a brief summary...there is alot more going on..

LOST and Lonely
Autum

[cowgirlnerd]

Your "Mother" has issues - they are NOT your issues.  I am a Mom and it's un-natural to turn on your children the way she has on you.  I STRONGLY disagree with the first post and don't even see why it would be implied that your child thinks of your Mother as his Mother???  Anyway, I agree that court situation is horrible.   Plus, you are going to have to not look at his grandmother as your "mother" - think of her as the exhusband's father's wife..(good grief!) and take that emotion of betrayal to YOU out of the picture.

I have NEVER heard of grandparents rights, and in fact, my exhusband's parents tried to get visitation rights in my state and the attornies laughed at them.  Go by your court order, don't give more or less than the court order and be strong.  

It takes more than birth to make someone your "Mother".  Focus on being a family with your husband; son, and your child's step-siblings and make it as normal as possible for him.   Stablility and no drama will get to your "mother" and MAYBE it will rub off on her in some way and she will act better (guilt can be a good thing...if they have a heart).  Do go to counseling to get your self confidence back, and to work through the abandonment issues you probably have.

Hang in there - don't let anyone tell you not to be a mother to your son.  God knows if your "birth giver" can abandon you like that - when will she abandon him???  ....  She has the issues. ...not you.   Sometimes ex-family members don't like to see the other part of the ex family happy.  Sounds like you are doing well (going to school, new family, stable, etc.) and they have to torment you and sadly they do it with the easiest and most emotional target - the child.  Don't let them win.  Keep fighting.

[autum]

Thank you for your posts, I do really appreciate them...  well to answer your questions:   The theripist told me to limit phone calls ect.  and that not to keep him from them, but when he is w/ them he gets worse, so I took it in my own hands by just following court papers about they only get him a certain time..  they funny thing is, when they were getting him all the time, that wasnt good enough, so thats why they took me to court trying to get every weekend, but between me working all the time and only getting to see him on the weekends, his great grandparents wanting to see him, and then the ones taking me to court...the judge only gave them the one sat to sunday... so they did that on their own..  I have consistently tried working w/ them, and if I know its something that could cause more trouble w/ my son I disagree...but they are ok w/ it for a few days, then they go crazy...  Im actually starting therapy myself next month...  I am on medication due to my anxiety and pannick attacks..   I have tried several times to make ammends with my mother, but ever since she has gotten w/ her so called b/f then she just forgot about me... and my son's father (never were married)  just follows what ever his father tells him to do... its sad to say my husband plays with my son more than his own father...   Its hard trying to work with people that want to only make your life miserable...  I just want a normal life...  you know my mother thinks im irresponsible and I have changed for the worse...  but hey I dunno...  I do work all the time... take care of the house...  pay bills... take care of all 3 of my kids (2 are step kids, but I treat them like my own)  I dont drink, I dont go out all the time...  shoot the last time I went out was several years ago...  I even spend money on my family before myself...  my hubby has to gripe at me just to spend money on myself...  I dont know how I have changed for the worse...  Im even going to school ...  what do i do??  I just want my son to have  the best life...  I even told them, I dont want him to see the friction between everyone... he does not deserve that... but they always try and use it against me by telling him...


Lost and Lonely
Autum

[jo929]

You really have a bad situation here, and i can see it is not good for the son, or for you are you seeing a therapist, also a lawyer. it is hard for a child to have to many people, and all telling him what to do this is one situation that needs to be addressed now, so i would first go to a lawyer and the childs therapist and see what is going to be best for the child as you know most kids can be bribed maybe they give him anything he wants, and if so this is not good, as a child needs boundries to go by I do hope that things get better, i know it is hard but just maybe you can try again to talk to thr granparents and dad for the childs sake  lots  luck  jo

[nuredshuz]

I strongly DIS agree with Rock Rose, you should not even let him near the grandmother. She should have no rights. You should start trying to gather solid evidence and go to court and have the visitation revoked. Your mother is a toxic, noxious, poision to your son and you. If I were you I would NEVER let them see him. If I were you I would get counceling for yourself and for him and stay the HE!! away from that crazy beeoch!!!

[sammy73]

This is a really difficult and horrid situation for you.  I'm not sure what the best thing to do is - I just wanted to say that I disagree with RockRose here, I don't think anyone reading what you wrote can possibly say they understand the situation well enough to state categorically that the kid is better off staying with his grandmother than his mother.

At this age it is not unusual for kids to throw a tantrum and say they hate you - particularly when a kid is torn in a situation like this which messes them up.  They are likely to take it out on the parent who looks after them most of the time, because you have to do all the bad-guy stuff, the discipline, telling him to tidy his room and eat up his vegetables or whatever.  I'll bet your mother and your ex and his father are spoiling him rotten while he is with them to bribe him to love them more than you.

Is the situation too far gone for you to be able to negotiate when they see the boy without recourse to court orders and externally-imposed schedules?  If everyone involved genuinely has the boys interests most at heart, it would be better just to discuss and agree visits as and when, without having to wave bits of legal paper around.

I hope you find a way to patch things up with your mother, and find a way that everyone involved can be civil and friendly.  This situation can only be hurting everyone involved.  Try to move past blame, and anger, and resentment, and about caring who is "right", and concentrate on what will work in everyones best interests in the future.

[Agiesmom]

What does his therapist say?  If he's being screwed up by your mother, ex-husband, and ex-father-in-law, why isn't the therapist recommending limited or supervised visitation?  What exactly IS the therapist suggesting?  What does your attorney suggest?