Scared

[Scaredmd001]

I am in an abusive relationship and I don't know what to do. My husband abuses me physically verbally. I walk on eggshells because he is so unpredictable. We have a 3 year old daughter together and be takes it out on her if he is not in the mood. I am scared to leave because he has already told me he would hunt me down find me and kill me. I don't want our daughter to grow up in this type of household. If I step in while he is "disciplining" her it only makes it worse for her. So I stay out of it....does this make me a bad mom?  I have contemplated leaving but I am scared for her life as well as my own. I have suggested counseling for his anger problems but he is oblivious and doesn't think he needs it. His family has even talked to him about it but they are too scared and back off before the conversation gets too serious for fear of pissing him off. To our friends they think the world of him because he never shows that side of him to anyone else.  I don't know what to do. Please help me.

[CC914]

Sweetheart..my heart goes out to you and your daughter. My God, please get her out of this situation and keep her safe. Hun, you are not a bad mother at all. I do understand how scared you may be,  but this is a decision that you have to make not only for you, but your child too. My first decision would be that if and when you decide to leave, please do not let him no. Get in preparation..have someone that you can trust to help you pack some unnoticeable things while he is gone to work. Necessities...leave furniture and all. Majority of women are at most risk of danger when they are preparing to leave.Please do this in secret. Don't give him a reason to suspect that you are leaving or things may turn for the worst.  You have to do this for your baby as well as yourself. Someone said seek a women shelter. Please do so as soon as possible. I do not that has threaten to hunt you down and kill you but you are at much danger just being in his presence. I pray for your safety and I am asking God to take care of you.

[sammyleigh]

Hey, I have read your post and I am so sorry for you, I was in an abusive relationship with a 8 month old baby involved. Also my dad use to beat the crap out of my mom and she was scared to leave him until one day I walked over to her at the age of 8 and said mom will you please leave dad. She then realised what this was doing to me, through out my child hood I developed a servere obsessive compulsive disorder which has taken over my life and that was because of seeing my dad hit my mom. I also have generalised  anxiety and panic disorder and suffer from depression, its not a recent thing I'm 22 now I have been like this ever since I was a child. You don't want that for your child its the worst thing in the world being bought up in fear of your mom getting hurt. In my relationship my partaner isolated me and made me feel like I had know one but him, he said if I left him he would kill me and my family and take our son away. I eventually plucked up the courage to go and ask a friend if I could stay there while he was out and I left. I left my stuff and asked the landlord if he could pack some up for me as my we were due to be leaving that home anyway. And that was it I had abuse but he couldn't get me and I phoned the police and told. Them and he was arrested now its all over. Do you have any family that can help you if not then friends there are abuse support lines that you can phone to. Don't tell him you are leaving him just go when he's out and don't be scared just hide away and phone the police and let them know what is happening, people don't change and it will only get worse, be strong and do it for your child you don't deserve to be hurt and in a couple of months time you will be so happy again. You just be strong and work out a plan of action and get out of there as soon as you can u never know if he could turn on your child either. Its best to be as far away from people like that and your daughter will love you for it. Stay strong and be care full I really wish you the best and don't be scared I'm here if you need to talk x    

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to med help.  I appreciate your insight and the support you are lending here.  thanks for posting

[mariiberii]

My ex was abusive and I stayed with him forever. I finally left for my son's sake. He is using empty threats to intimidate you. Contact the police and a woman's shelter. It will be the best decision you ever make. Scary and hard at first but worth it.

[brice1967]

I'm sorry that you are going through this.  

My wife used to work for a crisis hotline.  Because of confidentially, she would not discuss any cases that she helped with but stories like yours are out there everywhere.  When you start looking at the facts surrounding abuse, it just seems to make matters worse.... but the facts are there for you to use to make a wise decision.

By reaching out here, I feel that you've taken a very brave first step and the women above have given some very sound advice.  I would only add that while things so grim and scarey right now, a clean break is often the only real way out.

I wish the best for you and your daughter....

[janellin]

I will only to tell you to take the advice that these women from the shelter are telling. I urge you to contact them immediately. This is the best thing to do for your daughter and yourself. It is unfortunate that this is happening to you but keep prayers darling. Contact these shelter and I'm sure they will help you and your daughter to the fullest extent. I am glad you have taken the first step to seek help all you need to do is continue. May God Bless You  and your daughter.

[Emily_MHManager]

Hi there -

We are concerned for you, and your daughter, and want to help.  Based on your name, we are assuming you are in or around Maryland (forgive us if you aren't, and your name means something else entirely).  This is a Maryland hotline that will be able to help.

24 Hour Hotline: [phone]

We can help with other resources if you aren't in or around Maryland.  Feel free to send me a PM anytime.  (Hover your mouse over my name, and choose send message.)

Emily

[adgal]

And just so you know...you are not a bad mom.  You are in survival mode and in your own way are protecting her.  Your not a bad person, you are not a bad mom, and you have done NOTHING to deserve this.  Your not weak, your not helpless and your not useless.  You are strong and you have taken the first step in reaching out for help here.  So many women go through this, you are not alone.

Remember that abusers are bullies.  And bullies will back down. Do not confront him on your own.  Just call that number and they will help you, I promise!  It's going to be ok, but it is up to you.  I am keeping you in my thoughts...please please make that call.

[adgal]

Sweetheart, there is only one real solution to this.  You need to get out, and you need to do that today.  I know you are scared...every women that goes through this is.  His threats to hunt you down are terrifying.  But trust me, it is a means of control. He uses threats to ensure you will not leave.  I suspect that as is typical in this kind of situation, he probably has also attempted to isolate you from your family and friends, may use financial controls and justifies his behavior with words such as "I don't want to hurt you, but you do X"...am I right?  You can be kept safe.  The fact that he is going after your daughter and calling it discipline means things are escalating and they rarely get better unfortunately.  This is HIS issue, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.  If it wasn't you and your child, it would be someone else.

I work with battered women every single day.  Do you know that the average women leaves 11 times before she goes for good?  And I am not trying to scare you, but at this level of violence not every women gets the opportunity to leave.  It will escalate until HE decides to get help.  Nothing you say to him or do will make a difference.

Specialmom is correct in that you must contact a battered women's hotline.  Do not allow the word shelter to scare you.  Most shelters for battered women are what we refer to as second stage shelters.  This typically means your own private space for you and your daughter in a secured building.  It is typically accompanied by counseling for both of you, assistance in relocating, assistance in dealing with the legal system, and other types of support.  Do not confuse it with what you hear or see as shelters for Homelessness ok?

I know it all sounds terrifying, but he has programmed you to think that way.  All you need to do is take the first step and pick up the phone.  You do not have to make any decisions at all, just make that call.   Then take it one step at a time.  No one will make you do anything you don't want to.  

I am not sure where you are, but here is a phone no. in the US that is manned 24/7.   They can help you locate resources in your area.  If you are not in the US, or want additional resources, just pm me and tell me your city (you don't have to tell me anything else and there is no possible way for me to track you) and I can help you find other resources ok?  In the meantime, here is a phone no for you that you can call anytime, again, if you are in the US. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233 )

Also, remember what he is doing is illegal.  You can call 911 if you are in immediate danger and the police will help.  Please stay safe, and please ensure your daughter does not grow up in that environment, nor suffer abuse herself. You can do this, you really really can!  ((hugs)) and take good care.  

[specialmom]

You need to contact a battered woman's shelter.  You need to escape even if it means leaving much behind.  My goodness, I'm so sorry.  I'm afraid for you as well.  As these threats are real, I think you'll need to contact a shelter and explain what is going on.  They may have resources to help you.  Peace and luck