Worried that my husband is still in love with his ex girlfriend

[Julianne65]

I think my husband of 2 months, is still in love with his ex-girlfriend.  They have a child together that is 10 months old.  The child lives with the ex full time, and my husband only gets to see her every other Saturday.  He hasn't pushed her for more time with the child, hasn't gotten any solo visitation at all.  He tells me that he is working on her in little steps, that he doesn't want to **** her off.  He doesn't want to risk not being able to see the child at all, so he keeps the peace.  But in doing this, he allows the ex to call all the shots regarding the baby, when he can see the baby, etc.  Also, when he does go down there to see the baby, he will take the ex shopping, to the bank, out to lunch, wherever she needs to go.  They go and see friends that they have together and meets them at places or visits them in their home.
They are no longer together because she broke things off with him, and he went through major depression to get over it with counseling.  I have confronted him if he still is in love with her, but he tells me that he isn't, that he only loves her still as the mother of his child.  But his actions tell me otherwise.  He writes in the baby's journal that he still loves the baby's mom, and keeps a love note that she wrote him when they were together in our safe.  He tells me he doesn't love her anymore, but his actions tell me otherwise.  I don't know what to do.

[Julianne65]

Hi again.  I want to thank you all once more for all your words and advisement.  My husband and I have gone thru a lot over the past few days, but I do believe that we have gotten everything out in the open, and are on the same page going forward, together.  We both understand each other and feelings, anger, resentment, disappointment, secrets, lies, etc., and we are going to be OK.  We have reached new levels, and most important, we will work thru all this together.  And we truly do love each other, and time will heal all wounds.
Thanks again, one and all.

[PlateletGal]

Great news ! I'm sure you feel a lot better now that everything is out in the open and has been addressed.

I hope you guys have a great weekend.

[waitingwithhope]

Here is my take on it--he still loves his ex. He is not with her, though, because there is something there between them that he already recognizes didn't work. He loves you too because he married you. He has a responsibility to both relationships now- not to the other woman but to their child together (he financially and emotionally must support this child and help facilitate the best upbringing for the child as possible) and he has committed to you too--he must provide for you and love you and look out for you too. I think that he may have to work out some sort of visitation or custody schedule that includes having the child over to your place or that at least involves him being alone with the child in a public place (i.e. a park) without her around. It is an uncomfortable situation, but since you knew going into it that there would be challenges, this is one that you must face--but together. If he is brushing things off, then he is not balancing out his responsibilities and that is unfair to you. He needs to also understand that him being with his ex, even if he says it is for his child, makes you feel threatened. It does not matter if he is not doing anything wrong--if you feel it, he must work with you to find a plan for this that makes you feel more at ease. In the end, he must help to raise his child and he will be a part of the child's life always and in some ways, that will involve staying in contact with his ex. Get some boundaries established and then you will feel at peace.

[PlateletGal]

I agree with mami. I was going to ask about the baby and mention that it sounds like your husband could be terrified of losing any rights to his child and giving into his ex because of this. Or is he doing it because he still has feelings for her ? And is it okay with you that he is taking his ex shopping and out to lunch when he sees her ?

As far as finding the note and reading the baby's journal... I think you need to tell him and just lay it on the line. If you don't, you may tell him when you are angry at him and that would make things worse. You are his wife and this man has given you some reasons not to trust him completely and you have every right to know what is going on.

[pertykitty]

i think its time you suggest (as a very supporting wife) that the visitation, and all be made legal. im sure she tells him if he doesnt do what she says he cant see the baby, and might very well believe her. she holds no control if done through the courts. they will set up visitation, child support, who pays for what ect. i think it will be the best so that way she cant use it against him if that is what she is doing. now if she has something on him, she would have to be able to prove it. if he did drugs at one point, well they could follicle test him. it goes back i think 7 months to a year. but if he is clean now he has nothing to worry about. that is IF that were a concern. if he only sees the baby on occation then what difference does it make? i mean what if the courts said you can see the baby once a month? or you have to have supervised visitation (ok im being way on the edge but to prove a point) he is anyway. i hope im making sense. there is no judge that will tell him he cant be a part of his childs life unless he is doing things that could cause harm. you have children from a previous marriage (as do i ) so you should see what im talking about. i dont want to be this way but should he say he doesnt want to go through the courts, and he has nothing to hide, then maybe he likes things the way they are. seriously id be worried. if my husband of only a few months was off with the other gal. he sounds sneaky. be careful.

[pertykitty]

one thing im confused on is why is he nervous about visitation? dont they have a court order? why doesnt he get the baby on some weekends? why only is visitation with the baby and her? does she have some dirt on him? did he use drugs? has he been arrested? just because he is the father doesnt mean he is entitled to less rights or visitation if the answers are no. im sorry but id be unwilling to allow him to do what he needs to for the baby and the mother attached. no. he needs to be a father to this child and love it and care for it. but he needs to make you a priority as well. if he loves this baby why doesnt he take her to court for more visitation or partial custody?