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Worried that my husband is still in love with his ex girlfriend
I think my husband of 2 months, is still in love with his ex-girlfriend. They have a child together that is 10 months old. The child lives with the ex full time, and my husband only gets to see her every other Saturday. He hasn't pushed her for more time with the child, hasn't gotten any solo visitation at all. He tells me that he is working on her in little steps, that he doesn't want to **** her off. He doesn't want to risk not being able to see the child at all, so he keeps the peace. But in doing this, he allows the ex to call all the shots regarding the baby, when he can see the baby, etc. Also, when he does go down there to see the baby, he will take the ex shopping, to the bank, out to lunch, wherever she needs to go. They go and see friends that they have together and meets them at places or visits them in their home.
They are no longer together because she broke things off with him, and he went through major depression to get over it with counseling. I have confronted him if he still is in love with her, but he tells me that he isn't, that he only loves her still as the mother of his child. But his actions tell me otherwise. He writes in the baby's journal that he still loves the baby's mom, and keeps a love note that she wrote him when they were together in our safe. He tells me he doesn't love her anymore, but his actions tell me otherwise. I don't know what to do.
They are no longer together because she broke things off with him, and he went through major depression to get over it with counseling. I have confronted him if he still is in love with her, but he tells me that he isn't, that he only loves her still as the mother of his child. But his actions tell me otherwise. He writes in the baby's journal that he still loves the baby's mom, and keeps a love note that she wrote him when they were together in our safe. He tells me he doesn't love her anymore, but his actions tell me otherwise. I don't know what to do.
My husband and I talked and this time he actually said that he loves only me, he doesn't love her. He wants a life and future with me, and that we need to focus on our marriage. He said that whatever he does during his visitations is for the baby onlyand the ex is attached to the baby. I asked him that when things come up that he is at least open to discussing what bothers me and at least meet me halfway and compromise on a solution. This affects me and I should be allowed to be a part of the decisions regarding it, and not to just sit back and have to accept what he decides to do. He didn't seem to want to bend here, and that he wants to stick to the fact that he will handle things his way, and if I have a problem with something she has done, then I need to pick up the phone and talk to her about it. That totally bothers me, because why would he not be willing to compromise with me and risk my being angry and picking up the phone and calling her, with the chance of messing things up with his visitation. Then he throws in my face that I better make sure to not **** her off and mess up his visitations. Why would he be so unwilling or scared to talk to her himself at the risk of my messing things up for him? Why should I talk to her? It is clearly written in his journal that he loves her. My big dilemma now is that I haven't had the courage to tell him that I read this in his journal, or that I have seen the love note in the safe, or that I have seen phone calls with her on the phone bill. I don't want him to try to worm his way out of anything by turning this all on me and throw in my face that I was snooping and invading his privacy.
Since he was never married to her, he feels that she is allowed to call all the shots because they only have mediation paperwork where they agreed to every other Sat visitation. At the time of this, he lived 80 miles away from her, so that is what he agreed to. But they apparently had a verbal agreement that once he was closer to the baby, he could see the baby more often. This has only happened a few times though. This is why sometimes I feel I was convenient to him because I lived only 20 miles away from the baby. But she does tell him that he can go and see the baby as much as he wants, but he doesn't do it, perhaps because right now he is only home on the weekends, or because he doesnt want to have to run her around, who knows. Sometimes I wonder if she has something on him and that is why he won't stand up to him, but why wouldn't he care if I called her or not. I just feel that there are things that I don't fully know about, that he has all these secrets. He won't take her to court because he feels he would have to get an expensive lawyer, and doesn't want to put the money out for one, so he wants to work on her slowly, to keep the peace and not cause any arguments. So basically he gets what she allows him to have right now.
I meant --- just a thought. I've been doing this all week --- not feeling too good here. = (
Platelet - I know I do sound very judgemental on this forum, and it's because I really care about kids and I'm kind of sick up to here with kids who don't have both parents with them.
I know sometimes that's unavoidable - things happen. But we as a society have sort of decided that it's not that important that kids have parents, and in this thread it seems obvious that most think the brand new marriage commitment is much more important than the commitment a father has to his baby.
We're all supposed to judge - how else would we have a society, and have rules that people have to follow? Of course we judge.
I'm sorry if my judgement seems harsh, and when I post and disclose things that I'm doing in my family, if someone honestly thinks I'm doing something harmful, and making a mistake, I truly hope they speak up.
Best wishes.
I know sometimes that's unavoidable - things happen. But we as a society have sort of decided that it's not that important that kids have parents, and in this thread it seems obvious that most think the brand new marriage commitment is much more important than the commitment a father has to his baby.
We're all supposed to judge - how else would we have a society, and have rules that people have to follow? Of course we judge.
I'm sorry if my judgement seems harsh, and when I post and disclose things that I'm doing in my family, if someone honestly thinks I'm doing something harmful, and making a mistake, I truly hope they speak up.
Best wishes.
Good luck ! I do hope that your husband is able to stick by his decision and that you get the closure that you seek. Just a though.... if you husband sticks around, it may be a good idea to set up boundaries when it comes to his ex. He should decide whether or not it is acceptable for him to be used by her.
If you can, please let us know what happens. We do care.
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