Worried that my husband is still in love with his ex girlfriend

[Julianne65]

I think my husband of 2 months, is still in love with his ex-girlfriend.  They have a child together that is 10 months old.  The child lives with the ex full time, and my husband only gets to see her every other Saturday.  He hasn't pushed her for more time with the child, hasn't gotten any solo visitation at all.  He tells me that he is working on her in little steps, that he doesn't want to **** her off.  He doesn't want to risk not being able to see the child at all, so he keeps the peace.  But in doing this, he allows the ex to call all the shots regarding the baby, when he can see the baby, etc.  Also, when he does go down there to see the baby, he will take the ex shopping, to the bank, out to lunch, wherever she needs to go.  They go and see friends that they have together and meets them at places or visits them in their home.
They are no longer together because she broke things off with him, and he went through major depression to get over it with counseling.  I have confronted him if he still is in love with her, but he tells me that he isn't, that he only loves her still as the mother of his child.  But his actions tell me otherwise.  He writes in the baby's journal that he still loves the baby's mom, and keeps a love note that she wrote him when they were together in our safe.  He tells me he doesn't love her anymore, but his actions tell me otherwise.  I don't know what to do.

[Julianne65]

I do want to thank all of you so much for all your thoughts and good points.  It has helped me see a lot of different sides.  But I think the main side is that I am being totally taken for granted by his expecting me to just sit back and allow him to do all that he is doing.  He should be able to put full closure on these feelings he has for his ex girlfriend, and if he can't, then he needs to be with her and not with me.  And if he really and truly wants to be with me, then he needs to change his ways and prove to me that he really wants me.  
All of your kind or harsh words have really hit me in a good way and is now going to give me to courage to really do something about all of this, as I know I can't let it keep going on this way and letting him continue to do what he is doing.  He needs to shape up or he needs to ship out.  And I now have the courage to tell him just that.  I have been afraid to force him to tell me the truth, but now I know that I have to really know the truth, and I'm not afraid of the end result, which could be that it might dissolve my marriage.  But I know I can't keep going on the way I have been.  
Thanks so much to all of you.

[pertykitty]

i feel bad for this poor gal. how long did you know him before you married him? if he has a 2 month old baby it couldnt have been very long. and you knew that a baby was on the way right? did he seem totally in love with you  and was there contact with the ex? look i will be straight with you. you have been married for 2 months. the age of the baby. so in the least im guessing you knew each other and got married all within the minimun of 9 months. that is oftly quick. i was a divorced mom with a child, i understand not wanting to hurt them by leaving. but to fall that quickly and knowing he had a baby on the way, you really put yourself in a pickle. i dont care if my dh had a child by another, he better not spend the day with the mom taking her shopping or having lunch as a family with old friends. you are being totally disrespected. i know you love him, but it sounds like his head is for his other family. i would probably tell him to go be with his other famiily and file. better to get out early on than to wait 3 years when everyone is really going to get hurt.

[PlateletGal]

IMO.... it doesn't matter how long they've been married.... they both took their vows. And this decision he will make will affect his happiness, which in turn will have an effect on his baby. Obviously I'm not saying that he should take away time from his baby --- only put in the extra time it takes to seek counseling --- if he and the poster wants to save their marriage.

[PlateletGal]

I always believe in giving honest answers. To be dishonest, is certainly not going to help any person who needs advice.

I admire the fact that you give your honest opinions, but telling the poster that her marriage was a "mistake" is a judgment. The fact is this poster's husband loves her and she loves him. The fact is, you & I don't know these people, their history and we could not even possibly make a judgment --- even if we wanted to. Only the poster can decide this for herself and to be honest with you, she married this man after he had told her that he had no feelings for his ex.

IMO... it is especially wrong to give advice based on our own fears or beliefs about how society should be.

[RockRose]

I totally disagree that his priority should be on his 2 month marriage.

His first priority (and actually,  only priority) should be on his baby.

[RockRose]

Julianne - I'm sorry you're in such a difficult spot.  I really think the best lesson you could teach your pre-teen daughters at this time is that you don't marry a man who has a teeny baby by someone else.   That's a mistake.  Even if he didn't want his ex-girlfriend and baby,  that's a mistake too.  You don't want to marry a man who's still in a deep depression because his girlfriend and baby aren't with him,  nor do you want a man who will walk away from them without hurting.   You don't want a man who has a baby by someone else.  

When I first read your post,  I thought you were maybe 18 years old.  You're too old to have made this fundamental mistake,  and I wish you well in correcting it before your girls get even more hurt.