Aa
is my thinking out of date?
I am a 24 year old mother of 2. My husband and i have been married almost 3 years but have started dating almost 11 years ago. Maybe I made the mistake long ago and it can't be fixed now but I love him and always have. in highschool all my "friends" would start rumors most of which were lies but they still made me uneasy about him cheating. After highschool I had our 1st child and then we moved for him to go to school and I was very confident in our relationship we made new friends and depended on eachother for everything, i then had our 2nd child and we moved back home he has since gone from job to job usually 6mo between til right after we got married he held that job over 2 years he recently lost it now money is very tight and stress is very high.In the past we had words over internet porn. I felt he was being unfaithful by wanting to see other women when i was upstairs in bed. he agreed to stop looking and as far as i know ( which at first i did check the history and that made him mad...) anyways i feel i moved past that and so did he then a year ago he started seeing a coworker outside work. she was dating a guy i grew up with one of my only friends from highschool so i wasnt worried really i trusted him. then we all went out and i realized she was competing with me for his attention. i flat out said she could have him it turned out they were dating, dreaming, so on no sex though at least that is what he said. dreaming of the future was something real life took from our relationship. i was so hurt but i still love him. he came home and after a day or two i said i wasn't leaving him we have two wonderful daughters and they need both of us. He was so happy and swore he changed and i never had to worry. Some days i would worry have nightmares even, but i thought i was moving past the hurt feelings. Now i feel stupid. I really dont think i ever moved past it just burried it. I still hurt and worry the recent stress keeps making me think i should have left. Do people really change? Am I a fool? Everyone keeps saying they can tell something is bothering me but I don't know what to tell them. I feel as though I am nit picking every thing in our lives what he used to do that he doesnt anymore. why do I always have to try so hard to keep the house going? I am overwhelmed by life and have no where to turn. we have no money so counsiling costs are out of the question and we aren't very religous and i am to ashamed to talk to my pastor. I guess highschool sweethearts hear i told you so alot and i dont want to fail....
One thing I have learned after 4 years of marriage is that you have to realize what is really important. Like everyone said there are free therapy places. Never be deterred by costs, because of debt. If your marriage is important you will find a way to make it work.
If you love someone, as I suspect that you both love each other, you will find a way to make it work. Keep your chin up and try and be the stronger one.
If you love someone, as I suspect that you both love each other, you will find a way to make it work. Keep your chin up and try and be the stronger one.
My initial thought is that your husband may be trying to sow some wild oats. You guys got together at the age of 13 (if my math is correct) and/or needing some sort of outlet due to stress at home.
I know money is tight but if you want your marriage to survive, you BOTH need to get into some sort of marriage counseling. Don't be ashamed to talk with your priest. This could very well be exactly what you guys need to get back on track. They say "the family that prays together, stays together." Your priest of all people should not judge you or your circumstance. No matter what, this issue HAS to be dealt with and feelings need to come out to the surface so you guys can move on and in a healthy way.
I know money is tight but if you want your marriage to survive, you BOTH need to get into some sort of marriage counseling. Don't be ashamed to talk with your priest. This could very well be exactly what you guys need to get back on track. They say "the family that prays together, stays together." Your priest of all people should not judge you or your circumstance. No matter what, this issue HAS to be dealt with and feelings need to come out to the surface so you guys can move on and in a healthy way.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. Sounds like your husband could also be suffering some depression. He's had a lot of issue with work and moved back to your home town in a low state probably feeling pretty defeated. His sense of self was low and one way to make yourself feel better is the special attention a "new person" can give you. They don't have to worry about food on the table for the family, entertaining two kids, getting rent together for the next month, etc. It is all fun and all about the ego.
If you suspect that he is mildly depressed, he should see his doctor.
I agree that therapy would be an excellent option. The good part of joining a church and taking full advantage of what is offered there for couples is that it is free. You could be hooked up with someone that has training in working with couples working on issues, you could have mentor couples take you under their wing, you could join support groups or marriage retreats. Many churches offer these things as they focus on strengthening the family. Keeping mom and dad together is part of that. Consider this. Don't be embarrassed as this is not an uncommon thing. Your pastor would much rather have a couple come to them trying to save their marriage than hearing that another couple is getting divorced. And they hold things in confidentiality.
I wish you the best of luck. It is hard to trust again after being disappointed but many a couple survive infidelity when both partners are wanting and willing to work on it.
If you suspect that he is mildly depressed, he should see his doctor.
I agree that therapy would be an excellent option. The good part of joining a church and taking full advantage of what is offered there for couples is that it is free. You could be hooked up with someone that has training in working with couples working on issues, you could have mentor couples take you under their wing, you could join support groups or marriage retreats. Many churches offer these things as they focus on strengthening the family. Keeping mom and dad together is part of that. Consider this. Don't be embarrassed as this is not an uncommon thing. Your pastor would much rather have a couple come to them trying to save their marriage than hearing that another couple is getting divorced. And they hold things in confidentiality.
I wish you the best of luck. It is hard to trust again after being disappointed but many a couple survive infidelity when both partners are wanting and willing to work on it.
I did not read all of your original post, or everything that everyone else wrote but one thing did jump out at me and I had to put in my 2 cents on the issue - I am avidly against porn. Being told that "boys will be boys" and that you have to accept them looking at porn is ____________. Don't buy into it if you do not agree with it. There is nothing wrong with having standards and expecting a man with the same. Just because a lot of people may do it does not mean that everyone does nor that everyone should... that goes with doing drugs, sleeping around and jumping off bridges.
This all boils down to what YOU are willing to tolerate. Chances are it would take a lot of counseling and nothing short of a miracle to change him. I wouldn't be suprised if some of the "rumors" in school had some truth to them. An affair is an affair...be it emotional or physical...it is still a form of betrayal. The fact that he's not keeping jobs, the porn, his going behind your back, etc are not good signs. The BOTH of you need counseling. Even if you can not convince him of it at this point, seeing you get some help may speak volumes to him. There are so many different ways to get counseling, your local health department, pastor, non profit organizations, you just need to do some research and ask around.
BEcuase he has broken your trust, HE needs to EARN it back, do not just give it back to him unconditionally becuase he apologized and swore not to do it again. He needs to know and see that you are being vigiliant about keeping him on the straight and narrow. I've been there with my husband and after almost 11 years of being together we are STILL working through issues...including porn addiction, infidelity and depression issues. This is not something you will resolve overnight. Even if you think you can tuck it under the rug and move on, it's going to come back and bite you...it MUST be dealt with NOW in order to pave the road for the future. The longer you ignore it, the worse it will get...YOU have to decide what lines you draw and what the consequences will be fore him if he crosses them. You also have to decide how hard you are willing to work and how far you will go to try and make this relationship work....again, I believe the counseling is going to be your biggest line of defense. Good luck.
BEcuase he has broken your trust, HE needs to EARN it back, do not just give it back to him unconditionally becuase he apologized and swore not to do it again. He needs to know and see that you are being vigiliant about keeping him on the straight and narrow. I've been there with my husband and after almost 11 years of being together we are STILL working through issues...including porn addiction, infidelity and depression issues. This is not something you will resolve overnight. Even if you think you can tuck it under the rug and move on, it's going to come back and bite you...it MUST be dealt with NOW in order to pave the road for the future. The longer you ignore it, the worse it will get...YOU have to decide what lines you draw and what the consequences will be fore him if he crosses them. You also have to decide how hard you are willing to work and how far you will go to try and make this relationship work....again, I believe the counseling is going to be your biggest line of defense. Good luck.
Not all council costs. So what you are not religious. It is not about religion it is about a personal relationship. Make an appointment with your pastor. I know I went through the same thing. My husband had an emotional affair with a co worker, they still work together it ***** but I deal with it ( them working together that is). Believe me it takes time but you need to focus on positive things. The more you are negative the more it will eat at you and kill any chance of restoring your relationship. Check out Mort fetel ( I think that is how you spell it) on line. He really helped me alot. I learned to focus on me and now my husband and his indiscretion. Our relationship is so much better now. Not that I am happy this happened but it did draw us closer together. It hurt like hell and sometimes I can still feel the sting. I am not 100% yet and do not know if I ever will be but much better then before.
This is why getting married right out of high school and having kids is usually a pretty bad idea. You hit the nail on the head when you said high school sweethearts hear "I told you so" a lot. There's a reason for it. High school relationships aren't supposed to last this long. Neither are college relationships most of the time. They just really aren't. This is why the divorce rate among those under 25 is through the roof.
First the porn... most guys will look at porn. Guys who have been married for 20 years and have never even considered cheating on their wives will look at porn. I don't know if "that's what guys do" is a cop out... but that's what we do. Many of us. And it doesn't necesserily suggest that he's interested in other women (his other behavior certainly does though) it's just something that, for whatever reason, guys are really into. It's a multi billion dollar industry (porn is) and it's marketted and made for us. So that's really a losing battle for you to fight. Make peace with the porn because if you fight it then one of three things is going to happen. A. He'll stop looking at it just to make you happy but he'll resent you for it, B. He'll continue looking at it but he'll try to keep it more of a secret and he'll just tell you what you want to hear, or C. You'll just continue to fight about it every 6 or 8 months. If it's something he's into then he's just into it. If he's watching a type of porn that is particularly depraved or disturbing to you then maybe you can fight the porn battle but if it's just more or less "regular" porn I wouldn't say that in and of itself thats something to worry about.
Secondy the cheating...I don't know your husband at all but if he was "dating" another woman and not just sleeping with her that suggests a type of cheating beyond physical lust. That suggests more of an emotional thing and that really is worse (in my opinion). If you're 24 and you've been together for 11 years that means you've basically been together since you were 13 and if that's the case then neither of you have really ever known what its like to be in a relationship with anyone other than each other. It doesn't excuse his behavior by any means but it's not surprising. I'd almost bet my life that this isn't the first time either. Just the first time he got caught.
Can people change? Yes.
Do they? Usually not.
And not unless something really makes them change. He's not sorry he was cheating. He's sorry he was caught. This is another reason why relationships when you're young aren't supposed to last forever. It doesn't allow either person to be with anybody else and they get curious, start to wonder, maybe even get bored and start looking for something else... Again, not to suggest that these things NEVER work out. Some poeple are okay with only ever having been with one person but his behavior to this point hasn't suggested he's one of those people. I'm not sure I would completely believe his claim that they didn't have sex either.
But the kids... they have to be the top priorty. What is best for them? What's best for them is not growing up in a house where their parents are constantly suspcious, fighting, or on edge with each other. I know you don't want to break up the home and I'm not suggesting you should just yet but bare in mind that growing up in a broken home is just as bad, if not worse, then growing up with divorced parents. Kids are smart. They'll pick up on what's going on. Your oldest is about 6 y/o? Trust me, he/she can sense if things aren't right and that's not good either.
Counesling is a good call. Get over your embarassment about talking to your pastor. It's probably the best low-cost or free marriage counseling you're likely to find. You could also try calling up your local (large) hospital and see if they can refer you to any support groups, group marriage counseling sessions, etc. Sometimes you can find something there.
Cheaters cheat. Liers lie. Etc. And it takes a monumental, life-changing event that causes them to see the error of their ways and change. If his family means anything to him then perhaps the thought or the threat of losing them might be what keeps him in line and makes him see that sort of behavior is unacceptable. But that won't happen if he thinks you won't leave him and he'll continue doing the same things until one of you has had enough and leaves.
I don't think you're out of line at all for what you're feeling. You're hurt. Embarassed. Angry.. probably a whole other range of emotions too. The worst thing you can do is keep this all inside. Don't let him feel as though there's no consequences for his actions and DEFINITELY don't let him think you can be treated this way. Don't allow him to control you and don't let yourself be controlled by him.
You need to try and work this out with him as best you can if only for the sake of your children. Sometimes unhappy couples will agree to more or less "Stay" together until the children are older and then go their seperate ways from each other. The agreement and understanding you both need to have is that your kids come first. Everything the two of you do from now until both those kids turn 18 has to be with them in mind.
Take some time. Focus your thoughts. Then have a good long conversation with him about this. Tell him that you need counseling and find a low-cost option to get some kind of marriage help. If that means going to the pastor then swallow the pride and go to the pastor.
Go to counseling, talk it out, communicate your thoughts and feelings with each other and figure out if you can stay together or if this marriage isn't going to last. Either way, the kids have to come first and whatever your relationship is, was, or will be remember that you are the parents of these kids and you'll always be connected by that for the rest of your lives. There's a lot of work to be done and a long road ahead.
Good luck!
First the porn... most guys will look at porn. Guys who have been married for 20 years and have never even considered cheating on their wives will look at porn. I don't know if "that's what guys do" is a cop out... but that's what we do. Many of us. And it doesn't necesserily suggest that he's interested in other women (his other behavior certainly does though) it's just something that, for whatever reason, guys are really into. It's a multi billion dollar industry (porn is) and it's marketted and made for us. So that's really a losing battle for you to fight. Make peace with the porn because if you fight it then one of three things is going to happen. A. He'll stop looking at it just to make you happy but he'll resent you for it, B. He'll continue looking at it but he'll try to keep it more of a secret and he'll just tell you what you want to hear, or C. You'll just continue to fight about it every 6 or 8 months. If it's something he's into then he's just into it. If he's watching a type of porn that is particularly depraved or disturbing to you then maybe you can fight the porn battle but if it's just more or less "regular" porn I wouldn't say that in and of itself thats something to worry about.
Secondy the cheating...I don't know your husband at all but if he was "dating" another woman and not just sleeping with her that suggests a type of cheating beyond physical lust. That suggests more of an emotional thing and that really is worse (in my opinion). If you're 24 and you've been together for 11 years that means you've basically been together since you were 13 and if that's the case then neither of you have really ever known what its like to be in a relationship with anyone other than each other. It doesn't excuse his behavior by any means but it's not surprising. I'd almost bet my life that this isn't the first time either. Just the first time he got caught.
Can people change? Yes.
Do they? Usually not.
And not unless something really makes them change. He's not sorry he was cheating. He's sorry he was caught. This is another reason why relationships when you're young aren't supposed to last forever. It doesn't allow either person to be with anybody else and they get curious, start to wonder, maybe even get bored and start looking for something else... Again, not to suggest that these things NEVER work out. Some poeple are okay with only ever having been with one person but his behavior to this point hasn't suggested he's one of those people. I'm not sure I would completely believe his claim that they didn't have sex either.
But the kids... they have to be the top priorty. What is best for them? What's best for them is not growing up in a house where their parents are constantly suspcious, fighting, or on edge with each other. I know you don't want to break up the home and I'm not suggesting you should just yet but bare in mind that growing up in a broken home is just as bad, if not worse, then growing up with divorced parents. Kids are smart. They'll pick up on what's going on. Your oldest is about 6 y/o? Trust me, he/she can sense if things aren't right and that's not good either.
Counesling is a good call. Get over your embarassment about talking to your pastor. It's probably the best low-cost or free marriage counseling you're likely to find. You could also try calling up your local (large) hospital and see if they can refer you to any support groups, group marriage counseling sessions, etc. Sometimes you can find something there.
Cheaters cheat. Liers lie. Etc. And it takes a monumental, life-changing event that causes them to see the error of their ways and change. If his family means anything to him then perhaps the thought or the threat of losing them might be what keeps him in line and makes him see that sort of behavior is unacceptable. But that won't happen if he thinks you won't leave him and he'll continue doing the same things until one of you has had enough and leaves.
I don't think you're out of line at all for what you're feeling. You're hurt. Embarassed. Angry.. probably a whole other range of emotions too. The worst thing you can do is keep this all inside. Don't let him feel as though there's no consequences for his actions and DEFINITELY don't let him think you can be treated this way. Don't allow him to control you and don't let yourself be controlled by him.
You need to try and work this out with him as best you can if only for the sake of your children. Sometimes unhappy couples will agree to more or less "Stay" together until the children are older and then go their seperate ways from each other. The agreement and understanding you both need to have is that your kids come first. Everything the two of you do from now until both those kids turn 18 has to be with them in mind.
Take some time. Focus your thoughts. Then have a good long conversation with him about this. Tell him that you need counseling and find a low-cost option to get some kind of marriage help. If that means going to the pastor then swallow the pride and go to the pastor.
Go to counseling, talk it out, communicate your thoughts and feelings with each other and figure out if you can stay together or if this marriage isn't going to last. Either way, the kids have to come first and whatever your relationship is, was, or will be remember that you are the parents of these kids and you'll always be connected by that for the rest of your lives. There's a lot of work to be done and a long road ahead.
Good luck!
ewww, what a hard place to be , you are in... sounds like you need to back off your thoughts and worries for while...even a day or two. Go to the beach,,,and just be there...drop it all off your mind for awhile..and rest. it will be there when you come back....ease off it...just try to live and BE HERE NOW. Just to mellow out on it...then you will be refeshed,,and you may be able to see things clearly, and decide what you
need to do...best wishes , it will all be okay ... take care of YOU b 4 all of this crap.
need to do...best wishes , it will all be okay ... take care of YOU b 4 all of this crap.
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