I have never had the courage to tell anyone my real profession.

[Munsond]

I have never told my story and need to get it off my chest :(. I came out of a severely dysfunctional family. A mother who is more like a 13 year old child and a father who left. When mother got sick with cancer I took on a role that started me into a business I never imagined. All of my innocence was taken away in hopes I could support and provide to my family. I was taught that it was a child's duty to take care of our parents and siblings and I felt it was my responsibility to do so. I first married young 16 hoping I could run away from the pressure. It lasted 3 years until the guilt of running away sunk in. I was afraid to lose mom and have not been there to help. After my divorce I was 19 wet behind the ears and talked into working at a small strip club. I made a good amount of money but hated the work. A customer approached me and offered me $1000 dollars to accompany him. I was so nervous but needed the money... So I did it. We started seeing each other once a week and the money kept rolling in. 2 years go by and not only did I have a savings I had made a lover that paid me.  I have never told my story and am in tears telling it now but I can't take it anymore. I eventually decided to change my life and get a more notable income. I was a secretary at an office and failed miserably. Them I went to yoga school and also found that it wasn't for me. Bartending was next, it was very fun and probably the closest thing to happiness I had found but long hard hours wore me down. I went back to my sugar daddy arrangement always saying "if I can make $1000 and hour doing this, than why would I slave a whole week to make that much money!"
It has been seven years and I bought my mom a house, pay her bills, and I travel sometimes by myself to exotic places just to feel free again but I'm so afraid of what I will do in my future. I have had to alienate myself from making friends in hopes no one would find out what I do. I  am a very normal looking girl and save every penny but  so hurt inside because I feel the pressure to support mom but don't know how I would if I quit. I have one client now that has be one a friend. It's been a year and he pays for everything. We often walk the Beach, talk for hours, and of course do the deed. Maybe I'm just needing to tell someone. . .
This isn't easy nor was it a question, but maybe someone out there has experienced these feelings. I wonder if what I'm doing is wrong? Even if I have good intentions. I'm so confused.

[jane1147]

hi if you still follow this thread I want to say no judgement here
when ever you feel down and what to let out how you are feeling.u are free to write on here
remember no judgment
sometimes ppl out here can help u left up ur spirit ok

[Life360_Dave]

Hi, no judgement from this end and glad you could get this off your chest.

[allmymarbles]

Do you love your sugar daddy, or is he distasteful to you? What I don't understand is whether it is traditional morals that are causing you grief, or if it is a situation that physically disgusts you.

[AnnieBrooke]

I can see why this is eating at you, not only for the job you do (which in the 18th century was called either a courtesan or a mistress, not as harsh a name as you seem to have given yourself), but because of the obvious question of what happens in the future.  There are a lot of jobs that depend on youth and strength, you're not alone there although yours is certainly on the more colorful end of the range of jobs.  Are you at least putting away enough money so that by the point when you think you won't be as 'marketable' as you are today, you will be standing on your own and able to cover your costs?  Because obviously you aren't getting any Social Security out of the present gig.  (Presumably even with exotic dancing, you're paying into the Social Security system, and with money that good you will be able to draw when you are past 65 at the rate a high income-earner can take it out.  If Social Security is still there.)

One thing I would advise is to talk to an accountant or banker about setting up an IRA or other similar retirement plan.  I don't know if you will be asked by the IRS where the money came from to fund it or not, but the accountant can tell you. Or, look into buying stocks.  Anything to get some cash socked away in a place you won't touch, so when you're 65 you have a little nest egg to live on.

The reason I'm talking financially and not morally is that right now, you've determined this is your road.  You may change your mind tomorrow, but except that it is hurting your heart, it is not looking like the worst situation you could find yourself in.  (Someone I know who works at McDonald's is still getting minimum wage after a year.  Frankly I think *that* is wrong in a lot of ways ... she works her tail off.)

I'd also suggest you rethink the bartending gig, and see if you can find one that doesn't wear you out.  I assume you must be a member of a gym to keep up your physique -- maybe take some classes there so you can up your stamina for bartending work.  

Another possibility would be to write your story up as a novel or nonfiction book -- Diary of a Mistress or something like that.  It might make some money, and you could also perhaps gain some emotional insight and release by doing it.

Good luck, I'm rooting for you.  People can get out of all sorts of bad spots, if they set up a timeline and a plan.

(((HUGS)))

Annie