hi if you still follow this thread I want to say no judgement here
when ever you feel down and what to let out how you are feeling.u are free to write on here
remember no judgment
sometimes ppl out here can help u left up ur spirit ok
Hi, no judgement from this end and glad you could get this off your chest.
Do you love your sugar daddy, or is he distasteful to you? What I don't understand is whether it is traditional morals that are causing you grief, or if it is a situation that physically disgusts you.
I can see why this is eating at you, not only for the job you do (which in the 18th century was called either a courtesan or a mistress, not as harsh a name as you seem to have given yourself), but because of the obvious question of what happens in the future. There are a lot of jobs that depend on youth and strength, you're not alone there although yours is certainly on the more colorful end of the range of jobs. Are you at least putting away enough money so that by the point when you think you won't be as 'marketable' as you are today, you will be standing on your own and able to cover your costs? Because obviously you aren't getting any Social Security out of the present gig. (Presumably even with exotic dancing, you're paying into the Social Security system, and with money that good you will be able to draw when you are past 65 at the rate a high income-earner can take it out. If Social Security is still there.)
One thing I would advise is to talk to an accountant or banker about setting up an IRA or other similar retirement plan. I don't know if you will be asked by the IRS where the money came from to fund it or not, but the accountant can tell you. Or, look into buying stocks. Anything to get some cash socked away in a place you won't touch, so when you're 65 you have a little nest egg to live on.
The reason I'm talking financially and not morally is that right now, you've determined this is your road. You may change your mind tomorrow, but except that it is hurting your heart, it is not looking like the worst situation you could find yourself in. (Someone I know who works at McDonald's is still getting minimum wage after a year. Frankly I think *that* is wrong in a lot of ways ... she works her tail off.)
I'd also suggest you rethink the bartending gig, and see if you can find one that doesn't wear you out. I assume you must be a member of a gym to keep up your physique -- maybe take some classes there so you can up your stamina for bartending work.
Another possibility would be to write your story up as a novel or nonfiction book -- Diary of a Mistress or something like that. It might make some money, and you could also perhaps gain some emotional insight and release by doing it.
Good luck, I'm rooting for you. People can get out of all sorts of bad spots, if they set up a timeline and a plan.
(((HUGS)))
Annie