Is this an abuse or not?

[skrom]

My husband and I have a different sexual desire. He wants to have a sex almost every night, but for me it is OK to have it once in two weeks. He is really insisiting on having sex more often, and although I have no desire I have to follow his request. He does not forse me, but keeps tauching me and asking for sex, untill I finally give up. I was trying to explain him, I get tired by the end of the day and just want to sleep, but itv seems when he is in a mood nothing can stop him. If I decide to avoid sex, he will be mad at me and might stop talking to me for a couple days. From another point I realize if I will not have sex with him he might start looking around. What should I do?

[Rainbow_Ike]

You have me confused.

Is this problem new, or has it been going on for 15 years?

It is important.

Ike

[kenneltech]

Can you try different times of the day instead of just at night when you're tired?  Also, and I'm NOT saying this man is right, but have you spoken with your doctor about being so tired?  I don't know, but it just sounds like nothing is being resolved here. Every night he wants sex, every night you don't, you give in, and then your upset.  Night after night after night.  Do you think that maybe this just has happened once too often and now subconsciously you are just not into him anymore?  It's really not right to not talk to someone because they didn't have sex with you and I can understand that.  But I can also understand his side, too.  It seems there is something deeper going on here.  You guys need to sit down and air all of this out and come to a compromise, or see a marriage counselor.  But don't just continue this night after night.  Good luck.

[margypops]

I guess a marriage of fifteen years should tell you whether he wants sex when he wants it ..well what can I say ...good luck with him ....

[skrom]

Thank you, everyone! I just want to tell a little more about our family. My husband and I live together for more than 15 years and married for 10. We have two children of 9 and 16 y.o. They are good children, although as any other children have their ups and downs. Both me and my husband came from different culture (we are both immigrants from the same country). My hasband does not really spend a lot of time with children, although he helps a lot around the house. I believe because he was rased in single-mother family, he does not really understand the role of the father. He is a nice man in general, but of course has some attitude what I do not like.
We shurely do have other problems then just a sex, and couple times I was about to divorse him, but show me any family where ara no problems.

[Rainbow_Ike]

If you have a decrease in sexual feelings/desire since you got married, and are always tired, perhaps the problem is physical. Maybe your first step is a complete check up, starting with a gynocologist, and being honest about your lack of sexual interest and lack of energy. I say that because to often we ALL try to downplay the problem with the doctor, afraid that they will think we are exaggerating. Or tell us we have a horrible disease. (g)

I was almost like that with my urologist, positive I had cancer of some sort, although my PSA was great. It was a minor, benign problem associated with (sigh) aging, and a pill a day fixed it up - after avoiding the issue for 6 months.

WE all keep telling you "therapy" but that depends on both your attitude towards that and your husband's attitude towards that .As a retired therapist, I know that a spouse "blackmailed" into couples' therapy will not only not get anything out of it - s/he will sabatoge the process.

If you belong to a faith community, perhaps a talk with your religious leader might be in order. Maybe s/he can have a talk to your husband about YOUR needs and rights.which he will respect more.

Even a mutual (male) friend who he splays sports with, or some other male bonding activity, and who you also trust, may be a better way of getting through to him.

Only YOU know who is the right person in your life to approach him and "slap him in the face" to wake him up and say "Your wife has rights too, and if you don;t wake up and pay attention, you will lose her."

[allmymarbles]

I also have another thought on the subject. With divorce so prevalent there is less of a conviction that marriage is permanent. So if you go through a difficult period, there is less motivation to work things out.

Mind you, I am not against divorce. If there is a partner who is a gambler, a drunk, a criminal, a brute, or a layabout, divorce is a blessing. But I notice that people are increasingly intolerant of their mates, and of other people in general. When I returned to the States after an absence of about 25 years I found many changes and developments. The language change was surprising and interesting. But the rise in narcissism was appalling. One's personal needs, one's personal desires, even one's personal fitness, seemed to take precedence over personal relationships. Many people can't even "commit" to marriage anymore. Sad really. And lonely.