OMG There's no turning back now!

[LosingMyMindInGA]

Well now I'm really scared.  I made the CPS report and I have to wait for it to be signed an investigator.  The worker from last year said that they cannot make him leave the home, they can ask him but if he refuses I have to take the kids and leave.  So now I guess I'm going to finish packing the stuff for us, put it in my truck and then send him a text asking him to go stay at his dad's and let him know that I have called CPS.  All hell is about to break loose and I'm so scared.  

[LosingMyMindInGA]

That's pretty much the way I feel about the phone thing.  It's not like it was a monitary issue.  On the contract that phone only cost $10 a month!!!  It was spite, pure and simple.  I didn't bother to ask him WHY he did it because I really didn't want to hear his excuses and b.s.  I already know why because I know how he is.  I'm still working on a way to get it hooked back up!!!

[NicoleW09]

I'm really sorry that you and your babies are going through this! I've been reading over everything the last few days to make sure you all were okay.

As for him cutting off Alex's phone, he had to know that it would upset her like that. I'm an adult, and my phone is glued to my side, especially now since DH's granny has been diagnosed with cancer and is in the critical care unit. As a teen though, I relied heavily on my phone for cheerleading practice and other things. It was my lifeline. I guess on one hand he's just really angry and wants to get even (in his mind) , but taking her phone just seems really low. Especially if she watches the other kids and needs it for band practice, etc. To me it would almost feel like he wanted her to feel alienated from everyone else. I don't know him, so I can't really say either way, but in my opinion, cutting off her phone seems a little harsh and immature. What did cutting her phone off solve? Nothing at all, it just made her feel worse about the situation.

You guys are in my thoughts and prayers!

[LosingMyMindInGA]

Yeah, big-picture-speaking Alex losing her phone isn't a big deal.  But, on the lower level - in Alex's mind that just broke her heart.  That phone is her life line, that's how she connects with her friends.  We don't have a house phone.  Poor thing carried her phone to school today simply to use as an mp3 player :(.  But she gave some of her friends my phone number so they can get her on my phone.  I'm looking into options for getting her another one.  When she does band at the football games on Fridays I need to be able to get ahold of her to find out when she's ready to be picked up since it's so late.  Some friday's they don't get home and done til after midnight. That and if she stays home or watches the others I have no way to contact her and she has no way to call in an emergency!

[Ashelen]

well that was random and nasty of him...but as long as he keeps paying the important bills I suppose one lost cell phone doesn't hurt much.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

Thanks!  I have one more exam to do tonight and then I have a 2 1/2 week break!!!!  So far he SAYS he's gonna keep paying the bills.  We'll see.  He shut Alex's phone off last night though.

[Ashelen]

Wow, you go girl..going through all of this and still acing your test?!
I'm so proud of you!!!

I sure hope that everything works out and you find some financial stability soon

[LosingMyMindInGA]

IF I get approved for TANF, they will go after him for child support anyway.  The way it works is they determine the child support obligation, then there is a GAP amount (whatever that is) they will retain whatever is paid over that GAP amount to pay back the amount they pay you in TANF it's kind of confusing and a pain to not just get the child support, but in order to have aHOPE of getting child care assistance I have to be considered a priority case and to do that my only option is to be a TANF recipient.

For now he seems like he's still gonna pay the bills, we'll see how that goes.  He called and asked if I would bring the kids to the mall (public place because I told him I trust him around us) so he could see them.  I left Alex at her friends and took them up there...we weren't there 10 minutes, but I got the impression that he wouldn't bother us if we stayed at the house.  He said he was gonna be looking for a cheap, small place to rent, but for now he's at his dad's.  We'll see how things go, been quiet tonight.  I was able to get one final exam outta the way and pulled off a 92...it dropped by grade by about 4 points but it's still an A and I have a few more assignments that are ungraded and can bring it back up.  Tomorrow I have a few assignments and another exam to have done by midnight.


I just realized a few minutes ago that with everything going on I TOTALLY forgot Lily's 1 yr check up today (duh). SO I have to call and reschedule that tomorrow. I am now off to crash, I am exhausted!!!!!

Oh and I'm gonna call the Salvation Army and see if they have any funds for assisting with the electric.  I managed to get the mortgage covered for this month.

[smjmekg]

S*ck, and double s*ck! I hope you do find a job soon. If anything, if you file for legal separation, or Joe moves out there is a possiblitity you can go to court for child support, which in any amount is better than nothing. I have a friend who is stationed in GA, and I don't know if it is because he is military or not, but he has to pay child support now, and his wife and him haven't even filed for legal separation yet, they're still married...they don't live together anymore, I don't remember exactly when she moved out it was sometime this year I believe. Anyhow, it's worth looking into as well...anything coming in is helpful right now until you do find a job.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

Well this is just lovely.  My mortgage company won't make any arrangements to help me out til I find a job.  The place here that does energy assistance and those rehousing grant things doens't have any funding at this time.  So, now I don't know what I'll do until I find a job.  I applied for TANF but it can take up to 45 days to get it processed.  

[LosingMyMindInGA]

LOL Thanks Sabrina!!  I already know the cops here and how they work. Unfortunately he knows most of them too because he used to be a jailer at the sheriff;s department.  May be better if I don't know, then none of them can go tip him off.

[smjmekg]

I'm praying for you! I'm glad you're letting Alex help you with some of the decisions, and talking to her so much too. I know the little ones aren't old enough to understand it all, but I'm sure she appreciates being in on everything and I'm sure it helps her feel more confident with everything else too.

Thank God CPS isn't being a major pain in the @$$ this time, that's so good to hear. I'm glad Joe at least said he would stay away, and I hope he does for you and the kids' sake. It still wouldn't hurt to give the local POs a call and see what they say if you have to call them. I pray that you don't, but you never know when a situation can get ugly.

GO CASSIE GO CASSIE GO CASSIE!!! YAY! (cheer squad, lol) Hope you got a laugh out of it!

[LosingMyMindInGA]

apparently this new "look" has some glitches because it showed that one of my updates didn't post.  Strange! Oh, well!

Did are CPS interview this morning. At first the lady still seemed real stuck up and like she didn't believe us.  I talked to her, then she talked to Zach (7), Abby (8) and Alex (15).  While she was talking to them I realized, DUH I had totally forgotten to tell her about all the porn and how he has left it up where the kids could easily see it. So I went back in and told her that.  Starting with Alex's interview, the worker we had last year came and sat in.  That's when things started turning around some.  The new worker seemed muched nicer and more compassionate. SO I went in and told them about the porn and stuff.  I also told them how he's always trying to pressure me into anal sex and even when I saw no, he will try to "slip" and hit the wrong hole...tho I always catch on.  They both agreed that those were definite warning signs.  BUT in order to stay within their legal rights they cannot make him leave the home unless there is PROOF.  I understand that.  They can only work within the rights they are given.  

I gave them permission to get records from all the counselors the kids and I have been too, gave them names and numbers of people who can attest to what we've been through over the years and what kind of person Alex is.  I told them about how he has found one excuse or another not to continue with every counselor he has been too.  I need to call legal aid and find out what my rights are.  I know legally I cannot keep him out of the house, even if I change the locks he could break in and nothing could be done.  Unless I have a TRO.  Alex and I discussed that this afternoon.  I left the decision to go that route up to her.  I discussed the pros and cons.  She said that for right she is comfortable NOT doing the TRO because Zach has a bday next week and this is already hard enough on them as it is.  I figure Alex can go to her friends house if she doesn't want to see Joe and then I can have his bday someplace public where Joe can come see him.  We agreed that we will plug the alarm system back in so that the doors beep everytime they are opened.  The windows would have to be BROKEN to get through because they are painted shut.  I also told her I would get a new lock for her bedroom door so she can lock herself in there if would make her feel better and that I will sleep in the living room so I can hear if someone pulls up.  

Joe promised the CPS lady that he would stay away until all of this is resolved, but we'll see.  He didn't take his meds with him when he came by to get some stuff last night.  I plan to text him later and ask if he wants to come by and get more stuff right after work, if he says yes, I'll take the kids grocery shopping while he does that. The little ones just don't understand any of this and are really scared.  Alex and I agree that since a TRO would prevent him from being able to contact them that it will make it that much harder on them.  If we try to go without one he can at least call and tell them good night.  We'll see if we can do this the civil way.  But I am prepared to get an emergency TRO at a moment's notice. I will download and fill out the paper work and have it on hand at all times.  Just in case.


Now I just really really need prayers that I'll find a job and be able to get daycare!!!

[LosingMyMindInGA]

Go figure. I typed this really long reply detailing everything that happened yesterday and when I his "post comment" MedHelp was down for the upgrades to the system!!!  Sheesh.  

Since CPS said they couldn't make him leave, only ask him, I decided to just pack some stuff and then text him telling him that I had filed the report and ask him to go stay at his dad's.  That went over like a lead balloon.  He called sounding all shocked saying he was never inappropriate with her...blah blah blah.  He said he wasn't gonna stay at his dad's because it was "his house too"  so I said ok and hung up.  Then he calls back asking what I planned to get from all of this.  I was like "what do you mean?" he said, what do you want from thsi situation? I said "to make sure my kids are safe".  Then he starts going on accusing me of doing this because I want the house and to have him pay the bills and that I've been wanting to leave for a long time, etc.  I told him I could give a crap about the house my only concern was for the kids.

Then he said he wasn't concerned about the house, but he was gonna fight me on the kids, he kept saying that I better not take them out of state, that I COULDN'T take them out of state without his permission.  I told him I wasn't planning to take them out of state but he wasn't going to know where we were for now.  After that I decided to get the kids from school early just to be safe.  

We went and got lunch and drove by the house to check the mail because he was still at work.  We got the reimbursement checks from his workman's comp. so I took them by the bank and deposited them, then took out $400 (just under half of the total amount).  About that time Joe texted me and asked if I was gonna pay the bills or clean out the account.  I told him I was gonna pay the bills, deposit those checks and take out half so I could support me and the kids for a few days.  That's when he started saying he was gonna talk to his dad abuot staying there.  Well his dad was in eye surgery yesterday so he said he would go stay at a motel.  He kept telling me to leave the cash I had on the desk at home for him to get, I told him no that I was keeping it as emergency cash.  He said "well I need money for a motel and food", so I said there was still $400 in the bank that was plenty, he replied with "you don't tell me what's plenty" then I said "you also get paid in a few days" and he says "that's for bills" so I said "if I don't need to use the money I'll put it back in the bank" and his reply was "yeah ok".

He's ALWAYS been a jerk about money.  He thinks that because HE works and I don't if I take money out of the account when we separate that I am "stealing" HIS money.  PSH whatever!  

We have to be at CPS at 10 am for the investigator to interview the kids.  I didn't NOT tell the little ones about the sexual harrassment against Alex.  As far as they know it's just because of how Daddy scares us sometimes and that isn't how a daddy is supposed to be.  I told them they would be asked questions today but told them that they needed to be honest, not to worry about what Daddy or I would want them to say, to say what THEY felt - that there was no right or wrong answer.  I also told them there was no reason to be scared, that the lady would just talk and ask them questions.  I let them know it was ok to be upset and to cry and explained that Daddy and I would not be living in the same house anymore and sometimes it's better for Mommy's and Daddy's to live apart because sometimes they are much nicer people that way.  So I hope I handled that well.  That was just for DD8 and DS7, no point talking to the 3 yo he's not gonna really understand so I'll just wait for his questions and answer accordingly!

Hopefully this investigator lady will be much nicer in person than she seemed on the phone.

[adgal]

Ok, so I am going to assume things in the US are similar to Canada again. You need to document, document and document some more.  Write down everything you have done, why you did it, and every conversation you have had with anyone and everyone involved.  Try to keep emotion out of it (I know, easier said then done) and stick to facts.  Make sure you include why you have done everything you have done, and the conversation Alex had with you that sort of prompted this.  It's important.  List witness', anyone you have discussed this with, etc.

I know, this is an emotional time.  But I do think it's important.  And most importantly...keep safe.  Thinking of you.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

Well ladies, we are finally in a motel.  We were at Alex's friends for awhile and it took me a bit to find one that had a double room available on the first floor (NOT hauling 5 kids up steps) Ok gonna update a bit more now, excuse me if I repeat anything becuase I can't remember what all I've said.  

Joe called me immediately after I texted him to say that I had filed a report with CPS and I asked if he would stay at his Dad's. He got mad, but not like screaming mad.  He kept on about how he didn't do anythign wrong and I said "All I need to know is if you are going to stay at your dad's"  He said "hell no that's my house too"  I said OK and hung up. He called back and asked me what I planned to get out of this. I said nothing other than having my kids safe.  He went on to accuse me of doing this so I could get the house and have HIM pay the bills.  Uhm ok, whatever!!

So then he goes on to tell me that I CANNOT take his kids out of state and blah blah, that he doesn't care about the house but he WILL fight me on the kids.  I told him I didn't plan on taking them out of state but that he would not know where we were for now.  I told him that I did things this way because he scares the crap out of us sometimes and I never know HOW he will react.  Of course he tried to make it out like I was exaggerating and being stupid.  AFter that I went and took my kids out of school early JUST to be sure he wouldn't do anything stupid.  We went and go tlunch and walked around walmart for awhile, then went to Alex's friends house and hung out there for a few hours before coming here.  

Around 7 or so he called wanting to tell the kids good night.  So I let them each say good night (not alex obviously) but made them stay right by me and instructed them not to tell him where we were.  Then when I took the phone back he was like "are you planning to go home tonight because you took the laptop?" I told him I wasn't sure where we were staying yet.  He said he needed to know because if we weren't going home he wasn't gonna pay for a motel room.  I never told him one way or the other.  He's not at the house because I drove by to see before we came here.  He also asked me why I took the guns, so I explained my reasons about being cautious and not knowing how he would react.  I didn't tell him this but it's not just for OUR safety but his own as well.  He has a history of threatening to shoot himself when things don't go his way.  

At 5:30 this afternoon I got a call from the CPS investigator.  She was pretty snippy when she said "I came by your house this afternoon to talk to the kids and you weren't home"  I was thinking "DUH".  So I told her I was afraid for our safety so we left.  Then she got all snobby and was like "are you going to be home in the morning?" I said I'm not sure, I don't know where we are staying tonight.  So in her snobby, pissy voice she says "Can you have them here at 10 in the morning" I said sure.  So I hope she gets up on the right side of the bed tomorrow because I really don't wanna deal with a witch.  What gets me is that she called JOE after she didn't find US at home WTF??  Uggg!

Well, I gotta go and apply for TANF online real quick, then get some sleep.  Tomorrow is probably going to be a long day too.  

[Ashelen]

Hey hon I think it's smart to stay away tonight...I was really worried for your safety.

checking in when I can to see what's up with you...thinking of you and the kiddos.

[adgal]

If CPS in the US works the same way as it does in Canada (and I do believe it does) they absolutely have to investigate this.  This is a good thing.  I agree you should probably stay away for a bit for safety, especially if he has access to guns and is violent.  You are forcing his hand, and that's a good thing, but I worry he will become completely irrational.  So just make sure you and the kids are safe..please.  

You can do this.  You are strong and you and your children deserve the happiness that will ultimately come from this decision.  You know you are doing the right thing.  Do not even hesitate to call the police if there is any indication whatsover of him becoming a threat.  I also love smj's suggestion of calling ahead of time to give them the heads up.  

So glad you and the kids are in a motel tonight.  Hold your ground and stay safe.  Thinking of you.

(btw..still trying to find a link to your area through the non profit agencies.  nothing so far, but will keep trying to see if someone can't help with the financial end until you get on your feet).

[LosingMyMindInGA]

who knows what he wanted. probably to call and try to convince them he'd done nothing wrong. the cps lady seems like a witch, we'll see when we go in tomorrow to have the kids interviewed. right now we r still at alex's frieds house, they're cooking us dinner, then we're going to a motel. i'll just have to check the arking lots to make sure i dont pick the one he did!           the cps woman went by my house this afternoon to talk to the kids and seemed pissed that wewerent home. aparently she called joe when we werent there...wtf? why not call ME?

[smjmekg]

Wonder what he wanted with CPS's number...interesting. Anways, I hope you do decide, just for the night to stay at a hotel. Even if Joe does go to one, you never know...he may just decide he's had enough of the hotel and wants to come home early. BUT then again he may do that tomorrow too. If I were you I'd consider calling the cops just to see what they say. Prepare for the worst and pray for the best. I personally would rather know whether or not I'll be able to rely on my local law enforcement before I actually need to call them. Here they're pretty good. We've had a creepy guy get caught by people twice while he was standing half naked in their yards masturbating. He's not a peeper, they think he's not all there mentally. And we had to call cause our car was broken into, due to my lack of locking it the night before, the ONE night I forget, lol. Anyways, back to you...no matter what you do keep us updated! I want to make sure you're ok, I've been worried and thinking about you all day. I know you're safe for now.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

well right now we r hanging out at alex's friends house. still undecided boutt goung home tonigt. may just get a motel then go home tomorrow and chnge the locks. ive already bout them but this way it will be daytime when i am changing them. thinkin bout maybe keeping kids home from school tomorrow too. joe texted me earlier asking for the number for cps. i gave it to him and he texted back saying it didnt work.  you have to call severral ties cuz it says all circuits are busy.  so i just replied with "then look it up that's the number i called" tomorrow i see bout a possibly a tro. if i can get the wireless broadband to work im gonna pply for tanf online tonigt.  im on my phone right now...thats why the sloppy grammar n stuff

[LosingMyMindInGA]

well right now we r hanging out at alex's friends house. still undecided boutt goung home tonigt. may just get a motel then go home tomorrow and chnge the locks. ive already bout them but this way it will be daytime when i am changing them. thinkin bout maybe keeping kids home from school tomorrow too. joe texted me earlier asking for the number for cps. i gave it to him and he texted back saying it didnt work.  you have to call severral ties cuz it says all circuits are busy.  so i just replied with "then look it up that's the number i called" tomorrow i see bout a possibly a tro. if i can get the wireless broadband to work im gonna pply for tanf online tonigt.  im on my phone right now...thats why the sloppy grammar n stuff

[smjmekg]

Cass, have you thought of maybe giving the cops a call as a heads up in case something does happen or request for someone to maybe do a few drive bys and make sure everything is ok? You could tell them you're in the process of trying to get a TRO, or an RO and see what they say. I mean worst case scenario they tell you no. AND since it's the cops and not just CPS I seriously doubt they'd tell you "well it's his house too we can't make him leave". If you tell them that you're afraid for you and your kids then they'd HAVE to do something. They can't just sit by and do nothing, they're cops. Well...that I guess would depend on the ones in your area and exactly how good they are.

[Ashelen]

hopefully he DOES get out of the house...don't you think he'll leave and then come back when you're all home and settled for the night though? might be best to stay away for a night or two to prove you're serious? up to you tho-ugh (sorry i keep getting a stuffed Yoshi thrown at me while I"m tring to ty--pe)

[LosingMyMindInGA]

its his house too, they can only ask him to leave.  cant make him. she said if i fear for me and my kids i need to take them and leave.  im gonna check into a tro. he's now saying he will get some of his stuff after work and go stay at a motel. im keeping the kids out of the house until then, picked em up early from school.