Might relapse

[Mintyfresh79]

Well so far I'm 37 days free from tramadol and 35 days free from vicodin. I've had urges and cravings but I feel like today might be the day I cave in. I'm so tempted to call the doctors and make an appointment. It doesn't help that my pain has been flaring up but mabe I'm making it worse than it seems.

I've made some progress but as much as I go over all the negatives of going to the doctor today it still seems like a good idea to me. I feel like my family doesn't care if I relapse or not and I feel like I haven't made any progress in my life cause I'm just unhappy most of the time.  Do I need more time? Alot of ppl here have already taken time to help me and encourage me and I appreciate that. Is it possible I can take the medication as prescribed or am I setting myself up for failure?

[DevilMeds]

I'm with the majority of posters here, DON'T DO IT! Once you get that "taste" or "feeling" again, it's all over! Think of how hard you worked to get to 35 days clean! Remember what all you went through to get to this point and how you'll have to suffer all over again if you restart using!

It's just not worth it!

Stay strong!!!!

[FourJays]

Hey - sleeping all day is not always a bad thing!!!  I'm really happy for you that you didn't call the dr.  I know exactly how you feel about the boredom thing; I get the same feeling and often wonder what was so exciting in my life before that I am missing now that I'm clean?  It's not like I did much (at least nothing I'm proud of) those last months/year when I was using except sit around in a fog.  I guess I was always busy figuring out how/when I was gonna get more Tramadol!  And I know the weather does not help - I live in SE Michigan also and right now it's hard not to be down about the whole winter thing.  I mean the high in the last 2 days has been like 10 or 15 maybe???  At least the sun is out today; that usually helps me a little.  And - think about it this way; the days are getting longer (slowly, I know), and we are on the upswing.  Just a couple of months and the gray will start to fade and green will return.  I think that you are doing great, you have some serious clean time going on and every minute adds up to 1 more day, to one more week, etc.  Hang in there!
Julie

[killerzoey]

I'm sl glad you slept rather than used. Fair trade, I say! I came to this post right after work hoping to read that you were ok.

What you wrote about feeling not great but admittedly better than 30 days ago mad me remember a movie I watched on Netflix called "happy". (Not  the movie "Happiness", that's a whole other level of dysfunction, haha). Anyway, one thing I took from the movie, which was an analysis of what makes people truly happy, is that we adapt to our situations amazingly. So if something really bad happens to us, we resume our basic level of happiness remarkably quickly. That is a very favorable adaptation, obviously. But the opposite is also true, and we tend to have that same response to really awesome things, like getting clean. I think that must be why they talk about the pink cloud in sobriety.

The movie also went into the things that are associated almost universally with people who report high levels of happiness. It's interesting that a few of those (being of service to others, a feeling if belonging) seem to be really key to recovery programs.  The movie also went into the value of exercise and variety of routine in happiness, and spending time in awe of breathtaking art or performances, or just generally having moving experiences that transport us out of ourselves.

Geez I'm rambling! Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I can relate, I guess. I was born a rather somber and skeptical person, and an introvert. So I myself am very interested in what really gives us feelings of contentment and joy, without ingesting harmful chemicals.

[luvabugga]

Must be something about today, because I'm right there with you!

Just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[Mintyfresh79]

Hey guys, thanks all for the answers. Well I didn't end up going to the Doctor. I just slept the day away. I know not the most productive thing but it's pretty much all I could manage. Was either that or go get that script so I chose the sleeping.

Alot of good suggestions here. I know what I need to do but like someone said  it's not just knowing but it's doing. It's like I might not have made the progress I wanted so far but I guess today is one more day being clean counts for something right? I think it's just the boredom of life and the cold weather having nothing to do and nowhere to go. Winter is just a big trigger for me. I've always associated winter with being high..weird huh?

Well I bought myself one more day to find a plan before I relapse which if I don't have a plan I probably will. Going back to NA would probably be a good first step and finding a counselor might be good as well. I've been trying to find one for the past month. Think I'm afraid to spend the money on one cause I'm afraid I'll just end up relapsing and wasting my money anyways. Ya how messed up is that? lol

Now that I think about remebering writing my old posts and how I felt it's not something I really want to go through again. Yes I may not feel the greatest now but I feel better than I did 30 days ago so I guess that's good enough for now? Still trying to figure it out though. Just wanted to thank everyone for the caring words and support, it really is nice to know,

[Bkitty]

Congrats on your sobriety. Have you tried addressing the depression with our doctor? You said you are unhappy in general? Maybe if that was addressed it would help the cravings? I know I abused pills because I was depressed and once I got that under control~getting sober fell in to place. Using is not an option. Its just not. When you feel like this~have these feelings its your addiction at its finest testing your will. If you have the desire to remain sober -do that. Don't call. What is it about today? Why today?

[OpenMind24hours]

Hey Troy, MI! SCS here. I can identify with you. I can't use anymore because it's a bottomless pit that goes nowhere but deeper and deeper. And I don't want to use anymore, but I don't want to feel unhappy about it. My wife drinks a bit, has mild pain killers in her purse, and probably wouldn't care if I used or not; but she supports me. These problems we have are pretty common. But you/we don't have to deal with them alone. I go to NA and AA for the exact reason you stated in your post above.  

You've just been thru hell my friend. You got lot's of suggestions above, like "skin-on" aftercare. And "can't do this alone". I know I can't do it alone. When I go to meetings, I'm committing to stay clean with a bunch of other ppl who are doing the same. I also have steps I can work on to "pass the time" being clean. It's amazing how it works. And I have Degenerative Disk Disease. The NA program in particular has info on ppl like you and I who live in pain every hour of the day.  One of my groups I love to go to is in Ferndale. Tons of meetings in Troy, RO, Bloomfield...

I'm not trying to sell you something here, I'm simply passing along a serious message to you that you have other options that honestly work, besides starting back up. There's a reason you stopped, same reason we all stopped here; using quit working for us and it made our lives unmanageable and for me, completely miserable.

Message me if you want to communicate. We live close!

[weaver71]

It took me a solid 6 months to realize the value of life. You've tried it your way, try something new. I won't lie and say life is easy, but life can be worth it. You know what I mean? There's so much more than living in a fantasy. Genuine happiness does exist, keep fighting for it. You have so much to live for.

[toothfairie]

Stay strong!  I know you can!! Think of where you came from and now today you're clean!!  You can do it!!

[Coze11]

Wow, Im in awe that youve made it so long.  Im so far off from that...you inspire me to keep going.  Relapse starts with thoughts before the action- can you do something else that takes up your thoughts?  I cant be much support as Im such a newbie at trying to stop, but please hang in there!  I need to know that it will be better on the other side of using!  And please share how you get through these hard times!

[dominosarah]

Using is NOT an option.  Instead of putting so much thought into using change up your thinking and be pro active on how to stay clean.  Your brain is playing games with you right now.  Get yourself busy, look around at all you have to be grateful for.  You are doing great so keep it going!

[clean_in_ks]

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/Feeling-discouraged/show/1867365#post_8670174

I was going to suggest what someone else above did.  Go back and read the above thread you had going the end of Dec.  You worked thru A LOT during that time; took some pills, then flushed, then went to a meeting, you talked about A LOT of things that might help you to re-read today plus a lot of people shared INVALUABLE things w/you......It may just help you today, right this minute to re-set your head and heart and give you the determination you need to NOT call the dr.  

As I was reading your post "feeling discouraged", you said what has always caused you to relapse in the past was "I took drugs out of the picture but I didn't change"  You talked about "doing it by yourself".  About "considering" doing 90 meetings in 90 days.  About how the NA mtg you went to wasn't a good "fit" for you.  Teresa gave you some excellent advise about going to AA instead and about trying more than one mtg.  There are TONS of options for you and I'm thinking from re-reading your journey that you really DO know what you need to do, but just haven't put it into action.....consistently...yet.  When I was in trmt wayyyy back when (before opiates), my counselor said, "Connie, you KNOW all the right things to do.....your problem is ACTION".  Maybe you can relate to that, I don't know.  Doesn't really do us any good to "know" something if we don't follow thru and carry out what we know.......ya know?  LOL

You talk about being a recluse, being alone, trying to do this alone, etc.
It WON"T work alone.......you need "skin-on" support.  Others that are also trying to live a life w/o drugs or alcohol and no longer want their addiction to be the master of their souls.  We learn from each other.....we help each other.....we relate to each other.....we NEED each other.
I really hope you'll re-read your threads, especially all that was going on Dec 29th with you....not even a full month ago.....please do this for YOU!
Rootin for ya......and you are NEVER alone......we're all here for you~

[meegWpaw]

Hiya friend, you know you cannot use and you have my support!!!!  Stay strong and follow through with all the amazing things and work you've been doing.  You're tough and you can do this!!!!    :-))))

[Brightfutureahead]

Hi Minty...hang in there my friend.  To answer your question, yes- you would be setting yourself up for failure if you think you can take those meds as prescribed.

[gunn73]

whenever u feel like relapsing think of the reason(s) why u wanted to quit ... that might help u stay strong cos cravings wont stop.
remember u r quitting it for urself and no1 else.
good luck
gunnu

[Fireby29]

Don't do it.  You have to give your brain time to heal itself, and yes, it is very much mental.  We all have to deal with it.  While it is a long battle, each day of clean time is another day of healing and reclaiming your life.  I know you have legit pain issues like a lot of us, but more pills really is not the answer.

On another note, you really have not cleared the rebound pain timeline.  I wager that by month three your pain will be much improved.  You should also remove this temptation and tell your doc your an addict.  Then the tease and risk of making an appointment is not there anymore.

Hang in there, you can do it.

Bryan

[hillgoat]

Way to go! Think positive about what you've done. Tell yourself that you are clean and how great it is that you don't take the drugs anymore. You don't need them and you are the coolest person in the world and nobody can put you down! It may sound dumb to some, but reinforcing your power, to yourself, is great. Do something that requires physical action. If you have one, rake the yard, or swim at the Y, or walk a mile, play with a pet. I am not one to read, so sitting and looking at a book would not be stimulating enough, but if it works....You can get through the bumps, you are the strongest person You know!

[selfinduced]

Killerzoey is sooo right. Write down all the reason's these pills had you on your knees. That will pull you back to reality. Good luck!

[Jeffii]

Stay strong, you can do this. I'm right behind you today its 32 days for me. I know our addict minds try to trick us that the only way out is using but that got us no where before. Keep fighting, we will be free soon...  

[selfinduced]

Hey Minty, Think of all the damn hard work you've put into this process. To blow it for what? A 10 minute high that will evaporate along with your spirit and soul. You think your family doesn't care. I promise, they do. Besides that, what about YOU???? Do you want to start the fricken rain dear games over again? You've walked the walk, done the work, now it's time to look ahead and chip away at the reason's why. You've made huge progress. Just ask anyone on day 3. You don't want to repeat this dance and if you go to Dr. and get script you will. We're here...lean on us. Remember what used to make you smile and do some of that today. Keep posting. This is just your addict brain trying to pull ya in.

[killerzoey]

Maybe it would help to read back on previous post and see what you went through? Yours was one if the first posts I read when coming here to get help quitting Tramadol.

Maybe tell yourself you will see the doctor tomorrow. Buy a day. Tomorrow, tell yourself the same?

Make a list of the pros and cons? You're probably thinking catastrophically. Might help to see it on paper.

Based on what you came off im going to hazard a fuess: You went through some hell to get clean. Think of all that you would have to do again if you go back on the pills. It's pretty much inevitable.

Do something to boost endorphins...see a really moving film, listen to some Grateful Dead (wait, that's me :)...

I really hope you hang in there.

[Mintyfresh79]

It's so weird it's not a physical craving but it's more a mental one.. Like a voice tempting of greener pastures. I know it's all an illusion but it seems so tempting like an oasis in the desert lol... But then you realize after it was just sand

[BlondeChick10]

Don't do it! 35 days is awesome.  Try to occupy your self I know boredom for me is brutal maybe you can pick up a book and dive into that so you can redirect your head!  For the pain try Tylenol or Advil.. Have you talked to your doctor about feeling the way you do? Stay clean for you wether you feel the family cares or not. I am sure they do care but a lot of families don't offer verbal support but inside they do care!