An Addict's Fight For Marriage

[discretekarma]

I've been married for 5 years. The last few have been pretty bad. I already bought Oxy's on the street at least once a week or whenever I could when I hurt my back and started getting Oxy's prescribed. I got 3 x 40's a day and told my wife that I was only getting Percocets.  After about 6 months I had come up so short for my next appointment that I had to face a cold turkey at a 4 pills a day habit. It was so bad. I had nothing to help. I laid in the shower but I didn't have any Benzo or Vitamin or anything. Even though I had lied to my wife the whole time, by day 2 or 3 she bought me a few vitamins and I could see that she cared. I went to a new doctor after that and started taking Kadian. I did pretty good for a while. Eventually I was switched to Opana and soon after I started taking Roxi's as well. I took the Opana and crushed and snorted the Roxi's. I never really got caught back then. I was taking 4 x 20mg of Opana and 4 x 15mg Roxy's.  In July of 08 I had back surgery and after this I was switched to the same Opana's but 6 x 8mg Dilaudid. I got caught occasionally getting high before my surgery. After my surgery I started I snorted all my Dilaudids and slowly started snorting my Opana's until I was snorting all 10 of my pills each day. Obviously, there's no way to snort 10 pills a day without getting caught.  In addition to getting caught regularly, I started stealing the extras that my wife kept in her drawer.  I got up to about 11 x 20mg  Opana's plus my Dilaudid's when she found my stash that I had taken from her. Things have gotten really bad recently if they weren't bad already.  In the past three months, my wife has caught me about once a week getting high.  Half the times were followed by letters begging her to believe that I wouldn't do it again knowing that I couldn't stop snorting them since I was so deep. I'd have had to go through major WD's just to be able to take my pills by mouth without snorting them. So many times she's told me she doesn't want to be married to me and that I'm a loser and that she's going to leave me as soon as she's out of grad school and can support herself and my son.  The other day, after getting caught again, I wrote my wife a 5 page letter explaining to her that I'm done doing all bad things and that I'm going to be a man and treat her like the woman she deserves to be treated like.  A few hours later she walked in on me crouched over in the shed getting high.  I couldn't believe it. I was so angry at myself.  I had wanted to get off these pills for a while so I thought that this has to be the time. I'm having surgery again in a few weeks so I don't know if it makes sense for me to get off my pills completely but I feel like I have to do something.  Last night she wanted nothing to do with me.  She didn't even want to listen to me speak but I told her not to give me anything at least until the following morning. For the past few weeks she had been giving me each dose and watching me take it. We both thought that would help me abuse but I couldn't go through that much WD so I'd put them in the back of my throat and then I'd spit them back out and crush them.  I just don't know what to do. I wd so bad last night and today that I can now take my Opana without WD and not take my Dilaudid at all. At least today.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Have I done so much damage that we can never be a happy couple again? What should I do? Should I get off the pills and just see if she'll have anything to do with me? She thinks I'm a dead beat, lying, loser.  I want to stay with her so bad. I'd do anything. Obviously, these pills have had such a hold on me that if I really would do anything, why am I still getting high and getting caught? What do I do?

How do I save my marriage?

[discretekarma]

At this point she seems to not want anything to do with me. Before she wanted to watch me take each one of my pills. Now she won't watch me no matter what.  I know she's hurt and angry so I can only hope that in time she'll see that I've cut my intake in half in one day. I may continue to take the Opana until my back surgery in a few weeks. I was thinking that once my Dilaudid wd  stops or at least becomes tolerable, I'm going to cut my Opana in half.  She's a great woman but she's been lied to and hurt for a long time and that doesn't go away over night.  Even though I'm really sick with withdrawal, I managed to make it to an NA meeting today. It was tough to sit through but it gave me hope that I may feel good some day like those people seemed to feel.   For the majority of the time I've known my wife, I've either fed my addiction in some way or swapped it out with another inappropriate or obsessive behavior. I'm hopeful that NA will give me an opportunity to focus on something positive.  For now, I'm just going to let my wife be mad while I try to get me head on straight.  

[10356]

Controlling our addictions as drug addicts I'm afraid is not a option.. at least not for me. as you say we make the choices right.. so glad you decided to stop snorting.. this fast track to high is not good and is addicting in it's self.. I'm glad you were able to go through a fast taper.. I also hope your wife will be accepting of your continued use.. I have need of it for pain also but I abuse and if in the house it is a mind game with myself constantly.. my best option had been to quit ct and get some clean time behind me.. It really helped me to get a perspective that I did not have before.. I was stunned at the profound impact my addiction made on my marriage my kids and my relationship.. I was humbled at how selfish and indulgent I had been.. I do wish you well in your marriage.. and I sure hope she hangs on as addiction is about finding your bottom.. wishing you well on your journey.. lesa

[discretekarma]

Thanks so much for your post. I've told her I'd stop and then didn't stop way too many times for me to say.  I think my taper may be good. I'm afraid of Wd but have and will continue to face them. Yesterday I was in Wd really bad and now am taking just my Opana.  Not only am I taking just my Opana but I'm am able to swallow them.  So far at least.  I don't think cold turkey is the best option since there are others available.  My fast ween is good so far since I dropped 6 Dilaudid's and went from snorting my Opana to swallowing all in one day.  Not bad. I thought about Subs but don't really want to substitute one addiction for another.

The bottom line is that I control what I do. My addiction makes it very hard to make the right decisions but I still control what I do.  I have the power to take my pills right. I just need to take it one day at a time and find support.  I get support from people on here but I think I'll find a meeting to help. I'm just trying to stay humble and remember that my wife has more than enough reasons to be mad and pray every day that she finds it in her heart to forgive me and believe me that I'm finished.

[worried878]

how many times have u said u wont do it again..and then went back on ur word?  so it is hard for her to believe anything u say now...addiction is a hard disease and those who do not have it do not understand it...the things u have said dont sound unusual to most here when we were using..par for the course..but that was when we were sick..and u r sick and only u can get well..she was willing to help u but u werent ready yet...everyone's bottom is different...u may not have hit ur cottom yet..and losing her may be what it takes for u to let go...only u know when u r sick and tired of this and when u r u will let go....after reading this the only thing i can think of to save ur marriage is to quit the narcotics..u r afraid of wds and the fear is paralyzing u..the emothional pain u will feel when u lose her will feel worse than the wd u will go thru quitting...perhaps go to a sub doctor since u seem to have tired other avenues and failed//ur dose is fairly big/on some strong narcs so sub may be a good idea..maybe she can go with u to ur appt....i dont usually advocate sub unless u have tried on ur own and it seems u have..u r sick and u need to get well...make a plan before it is too late