Crying Opiate Tears ...Again....

[bewitched_queen]

Hi guys, good morning to you all. It's been a very long night and here I sit, 8am, crying because I'm dying inside.  I've taken all the advice, Imodium, lots of gatorade, sleep aids. And nothing compares to what I really want. The tears are not from self pity tho, they are from knowing I can go get them and I'm fighting myself not to. It's killing me. This may sound crazy to some that havnt fought the opiate demon but it feels as if my heart has been ripped right out. No joy, no happiness. Only misery. I think of going on everyday like this and I would truly rather be dead. I'm sorry to all the people who have had kind things to say and been supportive. But I'm just not strong enough. I'm so sorry.

[apike31108]

You are so "me" bewitched. Seriously. I feel the same way you do. But no pills anywhere I can get my hands on which is good because honey you have more willpower than me. I keep thinking just one to help. I have a refill on March 9th, I can get it as early as March 7th...who is counting down the days? Me. How pathedic. I can't get any until then. I am pathedic. I need off them. They have been my friend and support since my mom passed away in Oct.

[bewitched_queen]

I will Mike. I'm tired. I'm not trying to stop because of anything but my own desire. No CPS wanting my kids, no spouse demanding I do it, nothing but my own desire to be free. That's what's so crazy to me. Its not the pills I want free of, heck I love those. It's the being addicted. To anything. It's the feeling of helplessness that I cannot tolerate. That's just my 2 cents for what its worth...  

[bewitched_queen]

Unfortunately no Sara. I work too much, go to school too much. I only have "friends" that I can get pills from if I run out too soon...not real friends in other words. It's funny to me, how in real life, fellow addicts that you know don't want you to get clean. It's almost like they hate you for it. This is just my experience. They want to keep people where they are. Enslaved to big pharmaceutical... I'm making a stand guys. It's all I can do. If I do fail, I will be back to go another round. I have to beat it eventually.  I will not accept failure. Now for my regularly scheduled watch the clock session....

[MikeInFrance]

And guess what...? So many of us truly and sincerely and honestly want to help you, a total stranger that we know so very little about. You know why dont you? Cuz we have this problem in common. And only we can offer the kind of advice and words that mean something real. . We all come here looking for, needing , sometimes pleading for help.... Stay in contact with that part of yourself. The part that wants change , the part that brought you here to this familial community.

[bewitched_queen]

All I have done in the last 24 hours is not use Mike. That's a lot for me. I know it takes time, just like it took time to become addicted. I'm not making any excuses for myself, I'm a weak addict who is trying to become a strong sober person. That's it.

[dominosarah]

Do you have someone you can call?  A friend that you can go and see?  Your mind is in overdrive right now and that becomes very overwhelming for us.  Get out of your house for awhile.  Those pills are calling your name.  When you feel better have him come get those pills and get them out of there.  You are stronger than you think.  Fight for you, dont let your addiction take over.   sara