Bemis really is "not clever"

[bemis]

So, I screwed up about 16 hours ago (at hour 70!!! WTF is wrong with me!). I had a horrible migraine (those of you who have them know that when it's in full force, a bullet through the eye socket really does seem like a good idea) - so I caved. Now, I will say - I am trying to be positive: If I were doing a taper, I'm totally kicking butt - from 240-300 mg of oxy to 2 vics is . But I had wanted to do cold turkey, I wanted to believe I could endure. The worst of my symptoms have been diarrhea, feeling cold, and, needless to say, I have lost any social graces for the time being. And I don't know if this is unusual (my counselor says it's not) - I have been ravenous. I can't stop eating. I truly am an addict - food substitution. Weird way to deal with GI issues, I know. What I was hoping someone could tell me - did I totally undo those 70 hours of hell? Pharmacologically speaking, that doesn't strike me as true, but the brunt of this is not physiological, is it? It's mental. And I'm weak. I wish I could buy willpower. It's so hard - I look at people who don't have this weakness and I'm so envious. Why can't I be that way? Sorry, I'm rambling - just wondering if I could file this slip-up under "oops" and not have to freak out come Monday morning when I walk in to work. I have to be okay for work. I have to be okay for my beautiful children - they deserve so much better than me. I think maybe it's time to go for a walk. That helps, yeah?
b
PS I would posit at this point that Aldous Huxley's Brave New World planted a terrible seed in my 13 year old brain. Didn't sound dystopic to me at all.... still doesn't. Consume! Consume! Consume! Jerk.

[bemis]

Thank goodness there is someone who is eating their way through recovery, spider! After this mess is under control, I fear weight watchers is my next step. Can't wait to go back to work and growl at people who try to take my chocolate. Get off, b*****s! I'm a woman on the edge!

[spider6]

Hey girl congrats on your journey...
first of all, can I just say that I'm one of those that has just been eating through my recovery. lol  I never read much about that here on MH, usually
people just can't eat.  ...also the "social graces"...out the f*cking window!!
I just don't have a censor button for the time being. Ssshhhh, I kinda like it.
(insert weird *ss toothy grin here.)

I love what Rosy said...I agree, guilt is counter productive and it serves nobody any good.  Feel it, get over it and move on.  Pain meds are for precisely that.....and migraines are a b*tch....like Rosy said...."just a step backwards"...assuming you have two feet, make your next step forward.

You have huge incentive (family).... you CAN do this.  We are all here for you girl and we have all been where you are. Chin up and trudge on.

All that being said.....I wish I could give you a big hug....hugs are great for
encouragement....so here's a "virtual" hug from me.  :o}
'sqeeeeeeeeeze"
prayers, hope, peace and a really good view of the "end of the tunnel" to help get you through this.
That's what I'm sending you.
xo

[spider6]

Vic, stellar post!!! kudos!

[usarmymedic1]

it is always better to taper it helps your body adjust to the decrease in the natural dopamine levels and to start re adjusting them. don't bet yourself up over using two for a true medical reason. you look at my page and it shows 2 trackers one is at 2100 days the other at 985 days that is because I hade to have a spinal fusion and had to take pills again. Medical reasons do not mean you are slacking just you are being resonsible

[bemis]

I am so blessed to have found this site. Seriously, guys - you're the best.

[molly1923]

I'm pretty new to this - 6 days, in fact but here's my two cents. Addiction is a disease. We know that there are physiological reasons we get addicted to all kinds of substances. If you think of your situation in these terms, in what other disease process would we say, "well, you messed up so everything you've done to this point is worthless?" Do we say that to the diabetic who has had good blood sugar control for days but ate a candy bar? Do we say to the diabetic, "well, you really screwed up with that candy bar so you need to go back to square one. Just stop taking your medication and checking your blood sugars and eating right. In fact, you should just eat an entire box of chocolate and put yourself in a diabetic coma" Of course we don't!
Now, this doesn't justify a slip. It doesn't take away the fact that you screwed up but it doesn't mean the other 70 hours are pointless and you give up. You own the mistake and move forward and it sounds like you have done just that.
By the way, I get migraines too and understand how torturous they can be. Can you ask your doctor to prescribe non-narcotic medication like Imitrex or Relpax to help? Relpax works best for me (if I take it as soon as I start seeing the flashing lights and feel the stabbing in my eye). Good luck to you and keep moving forward!

[bemis]

Thank you - I can see how easily one can get derailed by just one slip. It's almost as though your mind say, "Eff it - you've messed up already. Forget the whole thing." But I can't, so I appreciate your support.

[VICourageous]

Hi..Take a deep breath and try to calm down..Do Not pack your Bags and go on a quilt trip. This has happen to many of us throughout are years of using..This is why it is a Brain disease..Many parts of our wiring up stairs get very unbalanced..Also there is some info called "Addiction and the Pleasure Pathway, Beyond Willpower". It takes a second to think of a pill and a second to re-direct your self. I have a little over a Year now and every time I think of these pills I think "Pure Poison". Unfortunately I have used off and on for over 40 years so it has not been no picnic coming back and learning to live in ones skin. BUT  if you get out now than it is less damaging on your Brain, Body and Soul. This Journey into our recovery was not meant to be walked alone.
Just take this Lesson and turn it into a Blessing to move on and know better the second time around..Yes! You did come off of a high dose and what you described is a normal w/ds while detoxing. The detox part will take time but it is the after is where the work really begins. SO Chin up Friend and just ride that horse back into the sunrise, and do it with a Big  Smile on your face.
Bless

[bemis]

This is a wonderful place. Busymom, I dig you.

[Kbusymom]

Congrats on cutting your sources.  I didn't the last time I tried to quit and as soon as I got too uncomfortable I was back at the dr getting pills.  Now I have no options which is scary, but I know it's what is best for me.
You did a great thing telling on yourself, we are only as sick as our secrets. This is our safe place; there is no judgement here.  How awesome is that!!!

[bemis]

You guys are the best - Thank you so much for your understanding. I have cut most of my sources - just had those two vics from a dental appointment from a while ago - they didn't appeal to me when I could just pop 6 30's, ya know? I have asked my friend (who is also my connect) to NEVER sell me anything again, and I know she won't. We cried the last time I met with her, because we both knew that we couldn't talk much after this, and that she would have to tell me no, even if I begged. I keep hearing Lennon's song in my mind...

Oh, I'll be a good boy,
Please make me well,
I promise you anything,
just get me out of this hell.

A battle hard won is all the more sweet. This is what I will try to remember.

[CRSeaside]

You are still a success. 240-300 down to
2 Vics. Migraines got me once before on a
Cold turkey. Give yourself credit. I know you
Want it. Your body will revolt. Your mind
Will try to trick you. Pick yourself up, dust
Yourself off & stick to your plan.
    I like the fact you have a councelor.
Support is a very necessary part of a successful
W/D strategy. We respect what you are doing.
We understand. Keep posting. You'll feel our
Love & support. Pamela

[ROSYouralright]

Hey... Ok so you took a step backwards eh? Pick yourself up, dust off and push forward! Guilt is an oppressive emotion that won't get ya anywhere ny friend. Guess what? You CAN totally do cold turkey (many of us have.) Thing is, during withdrawal MANY things pop up that will have you reaching for the pills. Much better to get rid of them and CUT YOUR SOURCES! If you don't do that you are setting yourself up for failure! NEVER underestimate the addicted mind! I am here to tell you, it CAN and WILL wreck havoc on your recovery if you leave any open cracks... I wish only the best for you!