Here's where I'm at in

[refills]

a dozen words or so. Just to let you know that this will be copied and paste for a few others. Nope, changed my mind, I put it on the main board instead and didn't change one word.... Lately I'm finding words very hard to come by. My anxiety is getting the best of me and I'm lamenting the fact that I'm just not ready for all this right now. I know I'm in a better place to deal with everything but so far away where I want/need to be. Like most people I deal with other people's problems better than my own. The old, 'that's easy for you to say", has never been more true for me than now. I'm fine one minute than BAM I'm completely overwhelmed by anxiety and thoughts from all angles that it stops my breathing. I don't want to scare the newer people to the community about their own recoveries but I know this is all about my unexplainable poor behavior most of my life. Will the truth set me free? I don't know. I really have to get focused like right now or I may lose it all together. Just being honest here. You guys have been there from the beginning of my recovery odyssey and I really need you all right now. I'm not afraid of the fight ahead of me it's more about not getting the chance to fight. My head is racing with guilt feelings and despair. I just hate saying, why me? but the thought is creepy into my head the past couple of days. I could just type in a few false words of bravado but that's just not me. Am I kidding myself that I deserve anything let alone some good fortune right about now?  My head is literally spinning right now as I struggle again for words. I need my gang, my posse, my comrades, my friends to swoop down and rescue me once again. I'm sorry this is not personalized very much but my energy level is also running on empty and it's the only way I can think of to reach all while keeping from dominating the message boards. I tell everyone about the Love in this community and the wonderful people that makes it home for me. They can say what they will about addict and such but no one can take away the kind caring hearts that you all have. I'm blessed to have found you all...ike

[qpatty]

You will be in my prayers morning, noon and night until you get through this.

[refills]

So much support. But I guess that's nothing new on here though. haha. It's no wonder I talk about this community all the time. Surgery is first thing Wed morning. The one mass is growing into my right kidney. This is a problem in that it takes a different technique to be removed. My left kidney has a smaller mass and was to be removed. Because of the complexity of the right kidney surgery the left kidney will be left alone for now. There is also something showing up on my liver. It may be nothing or something?? I am taking a small dose of an anxiety med. I really don't think it's doing anything and I have only taken it a few times. The past seven months seems like seven years.

I want to make sure I thank everyone. I can feel the love and it's awesome. I've read every post at least five times or more and they have helped me retake control. I know there are many more praying for me out there and thank you for that. Right now I'm cool. Tomorrow night we stay at my daughters house which is close to the hospital. The doctor rearranged the schedule to put me first. How about that? I have a lot to be thankful for. MH included and the people on here especially. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You....ike

[chig1130]

Hey buddy,

Just sending you tons of hugs, and prayers. Your a jewel of person, and we all know it. God, has you Ike, right in the palm of his hand. Your gonna whip out this surgery,and come home and live the life you deserve. Gods Favor is raining down on you.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

[katmandu516]

Hey Ike,
You sound so good! I know how that anxiety can grip you and you feel your whole world is falling apart. I went through a total mental meltdown myself this weekend. I hate that. I think it's all a part of the withdrawal process and learning how to cope with such difficult situations w/o any drugs or alcohol that we are so used to using to help us get through the tough times. Right? It's so hard and we are still learning how to do it. I know I am. Sometimes I wonder if I can even make it one more day, but then I do. Then another, and another...What else can we do? So, my friend, you will go and get this over with, and then go home and live your life again with your family. You got this Ike!! Go in there, and I want you to go kick some a*s and come out with some names!! Piece of damn cake my  awesome friend. I'm here for you always.
Kat

[refills]

Whoaa and Wow! Thanks to everybody. The caring responses are something to behold. Feeling better today and I'm thinking I'm as ready as ever. Had a particularly bad night a couple of days back. The anxiety has been real high for a while now. Recovery is not a free pass to be be left off the drama list of life. Stuff happens and sometimes it's not all good stuff. My recovery remains at the top of my list. I read Weavers quote by Gandhi, which has been posted here before, "Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional". Why do we do the things to do to ourselves? I just wanted to say Thanks again and let you all know, I'm Back and doing much better....ike

[spider6]

Hi, I'm in tears for you as I write.  You've got some lovely words of comfort here.  I just want to be part of them. I think about you every day even though I don't post.  I want to take that all away for you.  You will be in m thoughts and prayers n the 17th, along with the rest of your angel posse. Much light and love finding their way to you. (O) x