Here's where I'm at in

[refills]

a dozen words or so. Just to let you know that this will be copied and paste for a few others. Nope, changed my mind, I put it on the main board instead and didn't change one word.... Lately I'm finding words very hard to come by. My anxiety is getting the best of me and I'm lamenting the fact that I'm just not ready for all this right now. I know I'm in a better place to deal with everything but so far away where I want/need to be. Like most people I deal with other people's problems better than my own. The old, 'that's easy for you to say", has never been more true for me than now. I'm fine one minute than BAM I'm completely overwhelmed by anxiety and thoughts from all angles that it stops my breathing. I don't want to scare the newer people to the community about their own recoveries but I know this is all about my unexplainable poor behavior most of my life. Will the truth set me free? I don't know. I really have to get focused like right now or I may lose it all together. Just being honest here. You guys have been there from the beginning of my recovery odyssey and I really need you all right now. I'm not afraid of the fight ahead of me it's more about not getting the chance to fight. My head is racing with guilt feelings and despair. I just hate saying, why me? but the thought is creepy into my head the past couple of days. I could just type in a few false words of bravado but that's just not me. Am I kidding myself that I deserve anything let alone some good fortune right about now?  My head is literally spinning right now as I struggle again for words. I need my gang, my posse, my comrades, my friends to swoop down and rescue me once again. I'm sorry this is not personalized very much but my energy level is also running on empty and it's the only way I can think of to reach all while keeping from dominating the message boards. I tell everyone about the Love in this community and the wonderful people that makes it home for me. They can say what they will about addict and such but no one can take away the kind caring hearts that you all have. I'm blessed to have found you all...ike

[msdelight]

Hey Ike, I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now. You aredoing a great job on recovery, but it's only been 7 months, and it does take a bit longer to balance brain chemistry that's been unbalanced for such a long time.  Also, dealing with our emotions instead of numbing them out isa new thing we must learn and it is definitely a work in progress for all of us.

That applies on a normal day, but now you have been given the news that none of us want to hear. You are facing surgery soon, and the future seems uncertain. It feels as though you have lost control of everything.  It is definitely a time of high emotion and reflection, and the feelings you
describe above are normal for someone facing this diagnosis, addict or not. Its similar to the stages of greiving. Denial, depression, anger, guilt will come and go as they please, probably several times a day.

You know what?  Fighting cancer is alot like fighting the demon of addiction . It requires a strong desire to fight, a sense of surrender, a very positive attitude and a good support system.  Your mind is a very important tool here.  As much as any medicine or surgery. I think you have proven that you have what it takes.
Yeah, the timing may not seem like the best. But unfortunately we as individuals can never see the big picture. Only God can. One thing I know for sure is that He never gives anyone cancer to punish them. Everything in life happens at just the right time to teach us what we need to learn.  Or so I believe anyway.
Deep breathes are very good. Surrender all to God and place your spirit in his hands. Feel the sense of calm and relief. Fight like hell!

[dominosarah]

Ike, the unknown is always scary for us.  You have more fight in you than you realize.  Take some deep breaths my friend, we got your back~

[qpatty]

You have been an inspiration to me since I started this journey and always there with sound realistic advice. I consider myself a newbie here and your post doesn't scare me, just let's me know what to watch for on the road ahead. I have read your entire story and if you weren't having these feelings I would think you either weren't human or you aren't real.

I believe there are times in our life when we are allowed to say "why me" and we are allowed to feel like giving up. But then we have to find the strength to keep going and not give in to those feelings. No matter what we are facing in life.

If I could I would gladly hand over all my strength and determination to you and let you keep them as long as you needed to. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.

[Catt_N]

Hi Ike.  
You are so not alone.  You have always encouraged me to be strong! We have good days and our bad days.  I'm still getting panic attacks also. It's so hard to leave the house. I was also going through a really bad day today, just not feeling like yourself and despair all day that u wonder if you will ever be normal again. I just saw your post and I felt even more despair,  seeing that Ike has been clean longer than I have, and is still feeling like this? But ... at least,  we're not alone Ike ... and of course,  we know this too shall pass.  We just gotta hang on a little longer.
You're one of the angels I look up to Ike!  Make me proud!
We will be fine.
Hugs*  Catt. Xx