postpartum/ opiate addiction....i'm scared to death

[BSUGAR524]

i have been abusing oxycotin for 3-4 years now.  in the past year i got pregnant in the middle of the worse part of my addiction.the man i was with was a really good child hood friend. and we planned on gettin married and having a little girl one day. that day came sooner then later. and the man that i stood by with a crack and oxy addiction cheated on me a day after we found out. i came home to find his ex in our bed. i was devestated. i tried to commit suicide and ended up in the hospital for 3 days the first couple days i knew i was pregnant with my daughter. they kept me on duialted for the 3 days i was there so i would not withdrawl and try to leave before htey got me into a rehab for pregnant women. the doctor made sure i was comfortable for the trip there 3 hours away. and specified that he wanted me to have something ready for when i came in so i didn't withdraw and leave. first day came and went and no relief. i walked right into a n/a meeting while i was detoxing. i had a anxiety attack and they group all tried to help. i know they were just trying to help, but when your in the middle of an attack havin 20 people you don't know touchin you kinda sets you off. another night went by. didn't get barely any sleep and when my body finally gave into the sleepiness the people were waking me up for the day. i was so miserable. i tried to stick fall the day out. then went up to ask if my med were ready yet. i got another no. and i said i can't go through withdrawl i might lose the baby. it's sad that i've been in a rehab for to days and no one will help me. my dealer won't tell me no. and that was the end of rehab. afer i left rehab i hooked up and called my cousin in fl and ask her for a loan for 200 dollars. i felt i had to leave this place to get clean and get my sanity back before i hurt myself and there was no fixing it. two days later i was in the beautiful town of sylva. i seemed to be just fine with he withdrawl at first. first i found some pot to smoke, and then soon after found vic, and perc to keep me from going insane down there cause i couldn't find oxy's. i finally came home to pa. and ended up relasping not even a couple days that i returned home. now i knew i was pregnant but gave myself reasons like withdrawl can cause a miscarrage. but i did taper myself down. lucky enough i had a beautiful, healthy, withdrawl free baby. who is now 2 month as of the 4th. after havin her i tried methadone clinic. and a lot of people feel the same about that. embrassed and demeaning. not only that when they upped my dose thinkin i was have increase panic attacks were cause i was still withdrawling. but that wasn't the cause. 40 mg was what they gave me and later that day i had so much trouble just trying to swallow. i went back the next day and explained what happened and i need something for the anxiety cause it makes me feel suicidal. they said i could be allergic. the dose was just too high. and absolutely no anti-anxiety meds. i ended up leaving the clinic. surpizingly enough i din't get withdrawl until 2 weeks later and it came on like a light with high anxiety.so i broke down. got enough pills to make me feel normal, and adivan for panic attacks. that's the thing i don't abuse my anxiety meds. i just use them when i need them as prescribed. i was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorded due to post tramatic stress from something that happened in my past. my mother was murdered when i was nine years old. so after having the baby and gettin clean and relapsing i'm feeling it's a lost cause, that i'll never be the same again. i'm 26 years old.and i'm scared to death everyday. scared that my addiction is somehow in the long run affect my daughter who i never wanted to hurt. i'm scared that i always be on pills and end up takin to many or havin a bad mix of anti-depressents and anti-anxiety meds. i shouldn't be in this mess, i have no pain, and didn't have no business ever taking them. and know i'm scared i'm gonna pay with my life. i have a nine years old daughter who i'm not setting a good example for, and would be heart-brokin if she ever had to go through something like this. god watch over her when she a teen and hope that she doesn't follow down my path. i quess my question is:IS THERE ANY SALVATION AND HOW DO YOU GET IT. I WANT MY LIFE BACK...AND I WANT TO DO IT FOR MYSELF.  i know i've been suicidal, but i told myself i would never act upon it again that i would have missed alot of things in the last year if i would have secceeded. i met hank williams III, those poor *******, misfits, and just cool people that i'm glad to call new friends, and still get to grow older with my old ones. so i really want everyone to know out there your not alone, and i'm scared with you.

[heather_r]

Listen to what gizzy and nrecovery are telling you. There is hope your children need you. Do you have help with your children so you can go get help right now?

[gizzy32]

You have a lot of issues here and I am sorry your going through all this but wow! If your living in fear everyday and want your life back, then it's time to do something about it. Wanting to end your life and leave your kids without a Mom is unfair and i promise I am not judging, but you need to get some help. This is already setting a bad example to your children and you owe it to them and yourself to get clean. Have you talked to a counsellor, you have so much more going on here than just addiction and there is help out there for you. 26 years old is not too late to change your life around, nobody should live in fear. How long did you stay in rehab? By reading this post I think you need a long term treatment center, it's your life we are talking about here. Please don't wait till it's too late to do something, you can fix this, but you need some help.

Suicide is the most selfish act and as a mother, your children deserve more and so do you. Please get better, life is waiting for you. Good luck.