I am stuck in hell

[colinsplace66]

I am new to these forums but found myself gravitating to them as I am really hurting and needed advice. I stated going to a pain management clinic about 9 months ago after having sergury and having pain as a result. Honestly, I could deal with the pain. I liked the way the Percocet made me feel and convinced my doctor to refer me to a pain clinic. The pain clinic gave me 2 scripts. 1 for 30mg Morphine extended release 2 times a day and 1 for 15mg Oxycodone 5 times a day. I have been going through the Oxy in just over 2 weeks and then use the Morphine to hopefully get me throgh the next 2 weeks till I can fill my scripts again and then it starts all over again. 3 times, I have run out a few days before I could fill my scripts. 3 times I went through the worst pysicle and mental hell I have ever experienced. I am tired of thinking about this all the time and counting my pills. I have a good job and I have missed several days over this when sick. I am married and half 2 great young kids. My wife does not know I am doing this. She works in the helth care industry and knows my addictive personality and would be very mad if she knew what I was doing. When I run out and get sick she thinks I just have the flu. I want off this stuff so bad. I have put my job and my marridge and my life on the line here and it has to stop. I am ashamed of myself and find myself crying about it all the time. I am overly emotional for some reason. I started doing research online and was terified to find out how difficult it is to get off this stuff. I had no idea. I cannot got to detox. My wife would lose it. I dont think I would be able to keep my job either. I have to get off them on my own. I have another appointment with my pain doctor in a week and I am going to tell him that I want to get off these pills and hope he will help me rather than just cut me off. I cannot trust myself with the pills. I have a gal I work with that is very nice and says she had the same problem with her husband and she was able to take control of his meds and gradially ween him off of them. He is clean now. I gave her my pills. She is going to despence them to me and bring me down off them slowly. My question is, am I doing the right thing? Will this work? What do I do when I am out? Should I ask the doctor for something to take at that point to help ween me off further? I appreciate any help I can get. I don't really have a support system.

[lulu747]

Hey Colin-

Hang in there...You're doing great!  Day 10 woohooo!  Just so you know I had zero energy until around day 12 but forcing myself to exercise really helped.  It will get better everyday.  Try to focus on how far you've come taking your life BACK from those stupid blue pills and be proud of yourself...I'm proud of you too..(:  Try to eat small amounts of good food and don't worry about cleaning the house...I will vacuum...sit and rest...unload dishwasher...have a bath...Fold laundry....sit and call a friend....sweep kitchen floor..come on here and post....

See where I'm going with this?  Focus on one small step at a time and be in the moment....You may find yourself even enjoying it...You're doing all the right things so be patient...I promise it gets better every day....Lu

[ccb72]

Hey man....hang in there!...I'm new to these boards, but they have helped me get through this.  Anyway, I started a ct norco detox as of last Tuesday  (got up to10-12  10mg pills a day for the last 3 months), so this is day 5 and I still feel like dogsnot with all the flu-like symptoms one can imagine, but the anxiety/depression I had has liffted, but I know exactly what the malaise is you are describing, it takes all my effort just to brush my teeth...I have called in sick all week at work and my wife thinks I have the flu, she has no idea that I've become an addict to these little devils, not sure if I'm even going to tell her, but maybe I will in future when I feel more stable and can deal with her reaction (here ex was an opiate junky, and she would probably lose it if she knew I slipped into this...).  The only thing I have been taking is ibuprofen for the headaches and ambien to sleep, but sleep has been damn near impossible up to this point...what's worse is that I have two slipped discs in my back and don't have any other good ways to deal with the pain besides powerful meds, and now my back pain is coming back with a vengeance on top of my withdrawals...I need surgery, but don't have insurance yet, although it does kick in in March, so hopefully I can get it taken care of.  My scripts ran out for the meds, I'm sure the doc would give me more, but after this detox hell, I'd rather deal with my back pain than go through this EVER again...I am actually glad that I went ct so that I can just get it over with, thought about refilling and "tapering off" but no, I want OUT.

Anyways, just reading your posts, and I feel for you...please hang in there and hopefully you WILL get off everything and get your life back...I know I can't wait to feel normal again, on many fronts...good luck and Godspeed!

[colinsplace66]

Bkitty, thank you so much. I'm sitting hear crying reading all of these remarks. This is day 10. I'm off for the weekend. Have to be at work 11-8pm Monday. My day started at 7am with that empty tummy naseating feeling again. yuk! My wife left for work this morning and I have to take care of my kids. I gotta feed them and watch over them and I can't hardly walk 20' without a break. I'm 6'2" and 210lbs of dead weight right now. I should clean the house while my wife is at work but I can't do anything. Just getting up from a sitting position is soooo tough. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, see anybody. I have to push myself to go to meetings. I went to another last night. Where is my energy? Where did my Drive go? Where the **** did enthusiasm go? ******* god danm blue pills have ruined me.

[Bkitty]

Hi Collin Im glad you are doing a little better,,hang in there. Also,,Keep it Simple. I know you feel you have lost everything but you have lost material things,,the most important thing is that you have not lost yourself. You are fighting to get that back. We ALL make mistakes addicts or not. Its a part of life,,Have you ever gone thru a spell in your life that you didnt think you'd be able to get thru? And you did,,and years later you look back and think,,,I made it. It doesnt matter how you get thru as long as you get thru it,,right? I wake up as well with that nausea,,empty tummy feeling. I think its from the seroquel. I take it 12hours before I have to wake up so usually about 6pm. If these meds are not helping you please contact the doctor and let them know,,you should never go cold turkey off them you'll send your brain in a downward spiral. I learned in aftercare that with psych meds its all "trial and error" until you find the right combo that works for you. I am currently on Lamictal,Cymbalta and Seroquel and after swinging back and forth mood wise I finally found the combo that works good for me. It did take a few weeks though for the levels to get therapuetic,,in the beginning I too had those terrible thoughts but then,,poof,,one day I woke up. Im so happy that you are going to NA meetings. I can tell you that if I didnt go thru aftercare and NA I would not have made it this far. I always thought I could do this alone,,,well that didnt work out obviously. I also told my husband this in the beginning too and it may sound harsh but I told him " I love you,,but right now I love myself more". I took care of me. I spent many nights on the bathroom floor balling my eyes out and our marriage even took a turn for the worse and I felt I lost everything,,I wasnt gonna make it. I wanted to just go to sleep and never wake up. Well,,I fell asleep for an hour and a half. I woke up and I was OK even though I thought I wasnt. For me it did get worse before it got better. My point is,,you are OK.  Its gonna be OK. You will get thru it,,,I promise. Life is ahead of you,,,a good healthy sober life is awaiting you. You deserve it and its all yours to have. You will get the "old" new you back. You have to be patient,,you have to crawl before you walk,,you have to re-trian the brain to start producing those chemicals on their own again and as each day passes you will see slight improvements and then you will look back and see that those little things you noticed were actually huge steps that you took. You have to surrender. I surrendered on the bathroom floor one night yelling and screaming at God and no one,,anyone out there and only until I did that and got raw with myself did I start healing. This feeling you are having the lethargy the lack of motivation will end,,I know you feel like you have 20lb bricks on your arms and legs right now. I know that feeling and it ***** a$$. I get it. Be patient and kind to yourself. This too shall pass and remember one day at a time,,for me sometimes it was one hour at a time. Your life is waiting for you to catch up and you are doing a great job,,you'll get there in due time. When you do catch up,,,hold on to it sooo tight. Congrats on making it thru another day. Tomm you'll be posting that you made it thru another one and so on....Bkitty

[jennybreeze]

Hey Collin,

Just wanted to let you know that everyone here supports you and KNOWS you can do this. I too am wondering about all the other medicine and what impact they could be having on you physically and emotionally. Your poor little body is having to adjust to soooo much at once!! Good gracious. I can't believe you're doing as much as you are doing. :)

I truly am in the camp that believes the worst is behind you. Just hang in there. People have endured and overcome extreme poverty and cancer concentration camps and car crashes and all kinds of horrible things that push you beyond anything we think possible. And they lived and things got better. It's hard to believe, but this time will seem so tiny to you compared to the happiness waiting on the other side.

[kyle505]

I'm on day four of a ct detox; using Norco 10s - abusing Norco 10s - for over a year, and have been abusing pain meds for over 10 years. Yes, this is hell. Things are a little bit better today, but hell is hell. I've posted this quote several times, from someone else on this site; it has helped me..."count the seconds, count the minutes, whatever it takes to get you through". For some reason that is something I've held on to. Congrats on being clean. Hand in there.