I am stuck in hell

[colinsplace66]

I am new to these forums but found myself gravitating to them as I am really hurting and needed advice. I stated going to a pain management clinic about 9 months ago after having sergury and having pain as a result. Honestly, I could deal with the pain. I liked the way the Percocet made me feel and convinced my doctor to refer me to a pain clinic. The pain clinic gave me 2 scripts. 1 for 30mg Morphine extended release 2 times a day and 1 for 15mg Oxycodone 5 times a day. I have been going through the Oxy in just over 2 weeks and then use the Morphine to hopefully get me throgh the next 2 weeks till I can fill my scripts again and then it starts all over again. 3 times, I have run out a few days before I could fill my scripts. 3 times I went through the worst pysicle and mental hell I have ever experienced. I am tired of thinking about this all the time and counting my pills. I have a good job and I have missed several days over this when sick. I am married and half 2 great young kids. My wife does not know I am doing this. She works in the helth care industry and knows my addictive personality and would be very mad if she knew what I was doing. When I run out and get sick she thinks I just have the flu. I want off this stuff so bad. I have put my job and my marridge and my life on the line here and it has to stop. I am ashamed of myself and find myself crying about it all the time. I am overly emotional for some reason. I started doing research online and was terified to find out how difficult it is to get off this stuff. I had no idea. I cannot got to detox. My wife would lose it. I dont think I would be able to keep my job either. I have to get off them on my own. I have another appointment with my pain doctor in a week and I am going to tell him that I want to get off these pills and hope he will help me rather than just cut me off. I cannot trust myself with the pills. I have a gal I work with that is very nice and says she had the same problem with her husband and she was able to take control of his meds and gradially ween him off of them. He is clean now. I gave her my pills. She is going to despence them to me and bring me down off them slowly. My question is, am I doing the right thing? Will this work? What do I do when I am out? Should I ask the doctor for something to take at that point to help ween me off further? I appreciate any help I can get. I don't really have a support system.

[lulu747]

Hey Colin
Awesome news that you are doing better...I knew you could do this..You are so right-one moment at a time (it's all we've got after all)  Congratulations on 12 days...Keep up the fantastic work....Lu

[colinsplace66]

Day 12. Woke up feeling allot better today. My energy and drive are starting to come back thank god! No nausia today. Seroquel has enabled me to sleep every night. I would be in rough shape without it. Went to another NA meeting last night. At work right now and ok towith it today. remember everyone 1 is too many and a 1000 is never enough. how true this is. I am still having cravings but taking the good with the bad and am taking one day, or 1 hour at a time and living life on lifes terms. I am going to make it. I know it. Take care everyone and stay clean. For the addict still suffering, 1 minute, 1 hour or 1 day at a time. You can do it! This too shall pass, I am proof of that.

[lulu747]

Morning Colin...
Day 11!  It's so good.  Listen-i've been really struggling with sleep deprivation and find if I get out of the house and do a solid hour of cardio exercise I am able to function work-wise and socially.  My energy levels are low but I pace myself and am patient and kind to myself...You need to be.  It's tough I know-but your energy will come back every day if you go after it.....

Hang in there you are doing awesome...
Lu

[vicki595]

Colin-  You need to go after that energy and it IS hard but you have to!! You have to tell yourself you CAN and then do something.  As lulu said: small things and frequent breaks. You really CAN do that and you'll see if you start. It's good for your brain to be active, as well. It will decrease your anxiety...

Stay in touch!

[colinsplace66]

Thanks everyone! Day 11, ccb72, You better tell your wife. I made that mistake. My wife found out and the fact that I kept it from her made it worst than if I would have just told her I was dealing with this. I'm serious bro tell her. Chances are she is going to find out anyway and then she will be way madder because you kept it from her.

Went to another meeting yesterday afternoon. Im already looking for another this morning. Yesterday I had a pretty bad panic attack after my meeting and it was the first day I had cravings. I got throgh it though. If not for the Serequel I know I would not be getting any sleep. Man I just need my enegy back,,,,,

[ricart70]

Hey Colin,hang in there.It's good that you have a couple days off .You will be feeling alot better soon.The lack of energy is just temporary.Just remember that.Like lu said exercise.You are doing really great.I am just so glad you didn't get caught in that suboxone trap.