I am stuck in hell

[colinsplace66]

I am new to these forums but found myself gravitating to them as I am really hurting and needed advice. I stated going to a pain management clinic about 9 months ago after having sergury and having pain as a result. Honestly, I could deal with the pain. I liked the way the Percocet made me feel and convinced my doctor to refer me to a pain clinic. The pain clinic gave me 2 scripts. 1 for 30mg Morphine extended release 2 times a day and 1 for 15mg Oxycodone 5 times a day. I have been going through the Oxy in just over 2 weeks and then use the Morphine to hopefully get me throgh the next 2 weeks till I can fill my scripts again and then it starts all over again. 3 times, I have run out a few days before I could fill my scripts. 3 times I went through the worst pysicle and mental hell I have ever experienced. I am tired of thinking about this all the time and counting my pills. I have a good job and I have missed several days over this when sick. I am married and half 2 great young kids. My wife does not know I am doing this. She works in the helth care industry and knows my addictive personality and would be very mad if she knew what I was doing. When I run out and get sick she thinks I just have the flu. I want off this stuff so bad. I have put my job and my marridge and my life on the line here and it has to stop. I am ashamed of myself and find myself crying about it all the time. I am overly emotional for some reason. I started doing research online and was terified to find out how difficult it is to get off this stuff. I had no idea. I cannot got to detox. My wife would lose it. I dont think I would be able to keep my job either. I have to get off them on my own. I have another appointment with my pain doctor in a week and I am going to tell him that I want to get off these pills and hope he will help me rather than just cut me off. I cannot trust myself with the pills. I have a gal I work with that is very nice and says she had the same problem with her husband and she was able to take control of his meds and gradially ween him off of them. He is clean now. I gave her my pills. She is going to despence them to me and bring me down off them slowly. My question is, am I doing the right thing? Will this work? What do I do when I am out? Should I ask the doctor for something to take at that point to help ween me off further? I appreciate any help I can get. I don't really have a support system.

[quitinoxys]

Collin ImDONE is right you need to get professional help now if you are talking about hurting yourself. I just read your thread and I know how you are feeling. I too let those little blue devils take over my life. It is a long hard struggle to get your life back but it's worth it. I see you also have an angry wife to deal with well you need to take care of yourself first, then you can go back and try to heal your relationship. You are not doing yourself any good by trying to fight the war on two battle fronts. Get help for yourself and I will be praying for you. God Bless---Rick

[ImDONENoMore]

You need to seek professional help NOW.  Actually you and your wife need help.  It's time, collin.  It's TIME.

[colinsplace66]

i am trying sooo hard not to completly lose it. The guilt and the greif I am swimming in is too much to bear. My wife can't get past the lies and the betrayal I have caused. She cant seem to move forward and seems stuck. I have never dealt with soooo much punishment all at once ever in my life. Those little blue pills are ending me. They have taken more from me than I could have ever imagined. Losing my relationship with my "angel" wife is promising to be more than I can bear. Unfortunately its only 1 of the overwhelming problems I am now dealing with. Losing a job I loved and was extremly good at and well paid is overbearing. I am reminded how bad I ****** up everyday I walk into my new crappy low paying job. Driving to work in used POS car because mine was repoed and this is all I could get. Facing call after call from collectors everyday. realizing that the credit I worked so hard to create is shot to hell. Everytime I look at my wife I am reminded how I listened to my sick brain and lied to her to continue taking these ******* blue pills. It all too much to bear..... I want to end this suffering.... I have thrown my life away...... Theres nothing any of you can say that will change how I feel. I blew it. I had a good life and I threw it away. I will never forgive myself for what I did. I hope im killed in a car wreck on the way home from work. save me the trouble..........

[theaddict]

thanks for updating all of us. i read this post a couple of weeks ago and had wondered where you'd been!!

[colinsplace66]

I am back at home since Friday. Things are still rocky with me and my wife. We are going to couseling though and I am hopeful. I love her very much and hope she sticks with me. I am still trying to find my energy. I went to the gym yesterday and rode the bike for 25 mins. I swear I thought I was going to die. I just have to keep it up. Try to fight through it......

[beenthereandback312]

There is something fishy with this thread...