Aa
I am stuck in hell
I am new to these forums but found myself gravitating to them as I am really hurting and needed advice. I stated going to a pain management clinic about 9 months ago after having sergury and having pain as a result. Honestly, I could deal with the pain. I liked the way the Percocet made me feel and convinced my doctor to refer me to a pain clinic. The pain clinic gave me 2 scripts. 1 for 30mg Morphine extended release 2 times a day and 1 for 15mg Oxycodone 5 times a day. I have been going through the Oxy in just over 2 weeks and then use the Morphine to hopefully get me throgh the next 2 weeks till I can fill my scripts again and then it starts all over again. 3 times, I have run out a few days before I could fill my scripts. 3 times I went through the worst pysicle and mental hell I have ever experienced. I am tired of thinking about this all the time and counting my pills. I have a good job and I have missed several days over this when sick. I am married and half 2 great young kids. My wife does not know I am doing this. She works in the helth care industry and knows my addictive personality and would be very mad if she knew what I was doing. When I run out and get sick she thinks I just have the flu. I want off this stuff so bad. I have put my job and my marridge and my life on the line here and it has to stop. I am ashamed of myself and find myself crying about it all the time. I am overly emotional for some reason. I started doing research online and was terified to find out how difficult it is to get off this stuff. I had no idea. I cannot got to detox. My wife would lose it. I dont think I would be able to keep my job either. I have to get off them on my own. I have another appointment with my pain doctor in a week and I am going to tell him that I want to get off these pills and hope he will help me rather than just cut me off. I cannot trust myself with the pills. I have a gal I work with that is very nice and says she had the same problem with her husband and she was able to take control of his meds and gradially ween him off of them. He is clean now. I gave her my pills. She is going to despence them to me and bring me down off them slowly. My question is, am I doing the right thing? Will this work? What do I do when I am out? Should I ask the doctor for something to take at that point to help ween me off further? I appreciate any help I can get. I don't really have a support system.
Hi there, and welcome to the forum. I am so glad that you are here! Lots of nice people are here to help in any way they can. Please listen to them, for their experiences have made them really wise.
I understand what you are saying about not letting your family or coworkers know what's going on. Please go as soon as you can to the pain clinic doctor and tell him/her what you have told us. Then ask for a taper program. You'll probably get a couple prescriptions to help with withdrawal as you wean off. I'm a big believer in tapering rather than cold turkey, but most addicts don't have the strength to do that, especially when they are having w/d symptoms and those pills are right there. Yet you really can't go off them cold turkey if you have to work, and you also want to hide the problem from your wife. Giving them to a coworker to dispense is a bad idea for several reasons, but the prime reason is that if she is discovered holding your pills, she will lose her job and go to jail, as possession of DEA Schedule II drugs that are not yours is a felony. Take them back immediately to protect her and yourself legally. The best idea of course is to tell your wife---yes, she'll be furious, but honey, marriage is "in sickness AND in health". Would she hold the bottle for you and dispense them? Write to us some more in the days to come--we all want to see you healthy again.
I understand what you are saying about not letting your family or coworkers know what's going on. Please go as soon as you can to the pain clinic doctor and tell him/her what you have told us. Then ask for a taper program. You'll probably get a couple prescriptions to help with withdrawal as you wean off. I'm a big believer in tapering rather than cold turkey, but most addicts don't have the strength to do that, especially when they are having w/d symptoms and those pills are right there. Yet you really can't go off them cold turkey if you have to work, and you also want to hide the problem from your wife. Giving them to a coworker to dispense is a bad idea for several reasons, but the prime reason is that if she is discovered holding your pills, she will lose her job and go to jail, as possession of DEA Schedule II drugs that are not yours is a felony. Take them back immediately to protect her and yourself legally. The best idea of course is to tell your wife---yes, she'll be furious, but honey, marriage is "in sickness AND in health". Would she hold the bottle for you and dispense them? Write to us some more in the days to come--we all want to see you healthy again.
Hi,Your doing a really good thing by giving the pills to someone to give out to you.The ideal thing would be for you to taper down little by little.The doc can give you clonodine when you get to the point of quitting altogether.It helps with the withdrawals.Also there are alot of people on here to help and support you during this.I went cold turkey because I am all alone and could not taper.This is hard but you can do it.The mental stuff is the worst in my opinion.You can do it.I am 60 days clean from 150-200+ oxycontin perday.It will get better I promise you that.The first five days are the roughest physically then you just tough it out day by day.In just 21 days you will notice a big difference.Kepp posting and let us know how you are doing.
Yeah I guess snake is right about the friendo.It would be best to tell your wife and she may be way more understanding than you think.It would ultimately probably make you feel better to tell her too.After all you came by this addiction honestly for the most part and it's not like you have been buying them off the streets.The end result of these pills is always dependency or addiction or both so you should give yourself a break on the guilt.She should too.Addiction is a very common if not ubiquitous problem when people are given these pills for pain.There is no way you are really to blame for this.You are only responsible for fixing this.So is your pain doc imo.
I have a problem with substituting one pill for another unless it is non addictive. Suboxone has it's place for sure...but, I would think to save that for a last ditch effort. IMHO
I am sitting here at work reading all these replies and crying my eyes out. I can't believe I got myself into this fix. I would really like to tell my wife. I know I would feel so much better BUT, no good will come from this. She found out I was taking them a ways back and went to the doctor with me and put an end to it immediately. I could not handle the W/D so I called my doctor who had refered me to them. I made up a excuse saying that they don't take my insurance info anymore and that I need another referal to another pain Clinic. He did this and I started all over again. My wife and I have been on a rocky road since then. She has trust issues with me and she is totally justified in this. I love my wife and our life together more than anything in this world. I treat her well. I have never abused her, cheated on her or anything like that. She is a perfect angel. She does not deal well with weakness. She expects me to be the man of the family and strong. I am sure this would be the straw that breaks the camels back. I CANNOT let that happen. I must be strong and get the hell off this terrible drug on my own. It was hard to ask a coworker to hold the drug for me. It's asking allot I know. They will never leave my work though. They will be locked up and she will despense them to me little by little. She understands what I am going through, thank god. I wish I could go to my wife but it's not going to happen. I will ask my pain doctor for something to help me come down off it. I already have a script for clonodine. I will fill it when the time comes. Once I taper down to 1 a day I will go to 1/2 a day and then I don't know? Maybe he will perscribe me something less strong to use at that point. I am just afraid he will tell me that he is going to cut me off and give me nothing. I can't believe how this stuff messes with my emotions. I am already an emotional guy but this is rediculous. I am still on it and just taking a little less and still I am an emotional mess. I am crying over nothing. Crazy huh? I would way rather be in pain than go through anything like this. I can't believe that the pain clinic doctors didn't explain any of the ramifications of taking this to me before they perscribed it. They just wrote a script and sent me on my way. I had no idea that this would happen. Thank you all for responding. It is nice to talk to someone about all this rather than holding all of it inside. I am taking 5 this week and next week 4 and so on. I hate ocycodone! It should be illegal! No wonder there are so many people addicted to this drug. Please keep posting, I totally appreciate it.
Hey,we all have experienced the exact same things that you are describing from these opiates.Sounds like you have a plan and if it does not work then there are other plans.Just hang in there.You want off and that is the first step.
I understand what you are going through, I wil be 48 hours COLD TURKEY tonight!!! I tossed and turned all last night. No sleep what so ever. I have been on Norco for about just 8 months, compared to some people on here that is not long and I took about 3-4 pills daily. However, soed not change the fact that my body is used to it and my legs hurt! this really *****, I wonder what day three will be like.....im never ever taking these pills again and I mean it! I refuse to put myself through this, and if it makes you feel better, I have also been crying, just about this situation period. its crazy how you have a surgery and like the way the pills make you feel. that is what happened to me! i kinda liked it and did not hav e the desire for alcohol anymore which was a previous problem. and i liked that!! not wanting to drink, i really like that, just pop a couple pills and Im good, its time to start feeling normal again......im just going to suffer through the withdrawls coldturkey , i got myself into this mess not i have to get myself out!!! you can do it also! God Bless
I think it's great that you have decided to kick it. A few weeks ago I ran out and told myself 4 days wont be a big deal, God was I wrong. The first day wasnt that bad but the 2nd was pure hell. I could't go to work. I actually forced myself to go to work the 3rd day and I could harly even drive there. I sat at my desk like a zombie. I couldnt really function. I didn't eat or get any sleep for 5 days solid. The 5th day was a little better but I filled my script and got to work. I still coulnt sleep for another 2 nights. There is nothing worst than not being able to sleep that long and without eating I was soooo sick. This is the worst nightmare I have ever gone through and I will never get myself into this mess again. I have to function, work, and be a dad so I am going to try this weaning off thing and see if it works. I see my doctor next Monday and am hoping he will help me with something to ease the withdrwal process. I would expect another few days and nights of pure hell. I hope you start feeling better after that. I was so sick I coudnt even get on the computer. I was having panic attacks constantly. I am getting nausiated just thinking about it.
I can totally relate to almost everything you posted! I am newly married and my husband has NO idea his wife is an addict-Ive managed to keep it from him all this time. I feel like a terrible person,,he loves me so much but Ive been so strung out on these pills (percs) that ive been nasty and moody. I have a lot of pressure as you do,,i am the "bread winner" in the family, the one with the great job and education. Everyone looks to me for advice and support. Hang in there this site is a great place/resource and amazing folks with amazing advice. This is my second and LAST time here. What Ive done differently this time is followed up with aftercare and meetings. I didnt 2 yrs ago and well,,,here I am. Percocets are a terrible terrible drug but oh how I love them but the big thing was they "turned" on me and they didnt give me the gusto I once had with them no matter how many I took. I keep telling myself that. Hang in there!!
Oh ya,, I too am overly emotional and cry at everything right now,,but another member states that is very normal and will pass. Im on day 6 cold turkey off 10-15 10/325mg tabs a day. I tore my car apart on day 2 looking for a pill that I thought I dropped at 2 in the morning.Then the cat found a bottle under the bed with about 20 in them. after my husband coaxed him out I realized what they were I made him flush them. I actually checked the toilet and a few were still floating around and the cat was drinking from it and I couldnt even look at my cat for the rest of the night. I was so mad at that cat. I cried and cried. Still cry...but its over. This addiction is over.
Hi Bkitty,I think that later yuo will see some humor in that cat story.Were you mad at that cat because he got to lick up the percocet water?lol I am sorry.
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For some reason this whole coming off the pills this time around has been comical for me,,,its like this addiction is mocking and making fun of me. The other thing is I ate a box of twinkies the first day (10),,the 4th day I ate a box of fiber bars (6) which was prolly the stupidest thing ever!!,,then the cat and yesterday I ate a loaf of bread (toast). My hubby who has NO idea im in withdrawal told me " Wow baby you have been eating us out of house and home,,do I need to check you in the Betty Crocker Clinic".......that kinda hurt my feelings :(
Welcome. Glad to see you're kicking the habit. We've all been where you are right now.. feeling terrible, crying daily, horrible anxiety, just pure misery. BUT....the one reassuring thing you can take from ANY of this, if you want to take anything at all....it's that we're all still here to help you aren't we? So that means we survived and this is something you can absolutely get through. When I posted on this forum, just the sheer fact of knowing I wasn't alone really helped me get through the first tough stages. Knowing a lot of the people posting were people who had already gone through these things and they ended up being okay.
You already took the first step by recognizing this all has become a problem and you plan on doing something about it. Just need to remember what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, and I can promise you that from my experience, to the experiences others have told me about, this will be hell yes I won't sugarcoat it for you....but will you come out a stronger person? Absolutely. My life has made significant changes since I kicked my habit to the curb, and I've got mainly the people on this message board to thank, so you came to the right place my friend. Please, continue to post you progress and any questions, everyone is more then willing to help.
You already took the first step by recognizing this all has become a problem and you plan on doing something about it. Just need to remember what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, and I can promise you that from my experience, to the experiences others have told me about, this will be hell yes I won't sugarcoat it for you....but will you come out a stronger person? Absolutely. My life has made significant changes since I kicked my habit to the curb, and I've got mainly the people on this message board to thank, so you came to the right place my friend. Please, continue to post you progress and any questions, everyone is more then willing to help.
That you for your response. It's nice to know that I am not alone. I feel terrible that I have not shared this with my wife. The guilt is unbearable. I think she suspects though. About 5 months ago I was seeing a pain managment doc with her knowledge. She didnt agree with it but knew I was doing it. I ran out of pills and had her come with me to an appointment. The plan was to let the doctor know I was having issues controling my meds and that my wife was going to hold them and dispense them. That all backfired on me when she told the doctor that she does not believe that I am in enough pain to justify these meds. She also told him that she believes I am taking them just to get high. All this was true of coarse but this was not my plan and the doctor pulled the plug on my meds. I called the original doctor that had refered me to this place and made up a story saying that the place I was going is no longer contrated through my insurance carrier and that I need another referal to another pain clinic. He did just that and I started back up again without her knowledge. We have been on rocky ground ever since. I think another problem with this stuff is that I have no sex drive at all. Zero. That certainly isn't helping. She said last weekend that she has our furniture separated in her head and that we were just like roomates right now. She said she has stopped caring if I am smoking or doing narchotics. I think she suspects that I am still doing them. She has trust issues with me now and these are totally justified. I caslled my heath insurance today and found a detox place nearby and after my insurance it would cost me $1400 to detox and be done with it. I would have to come clean with her though. I really want to but am also worried that that would be the end of us. The way I look at it though, if I keep doing it than it will end in us not being together. If I come clean and tell her that I am doing it for myself, her and the kids then at least I think I will have a better shot. I am never doing this again. I love my wife more than anything and if I lost her I would lose myself. I dont think I could go on with out her.
I called my heath insurance today and found a detox place nearby and after my insurance it would cost me $1400 to detox and be done with it. I would have to come clean with her though. I really want to but am also worried that that would be the end of us. The way I look at it though, if I keep doing it than it will end in us not being together. If I come clean and tell her that I am doing it for myself, her and the kids then at least I think I will have a better shot. I do not think I can make it through this taper thing. I am too tempted. I want off these now. I can't wait. The longer I'm on them the harder it will be. I am going to talk to my boss. He is also a good freind and he knows whats going on with me. He wants me to get off these too. I am going to see if he will let me have the time off I need to go to detox. When I go throgh withdrawals I don't have anyone to help me at home. My kids are to young and my wife wont help me. I need someone to help take care of me. food, drinks, meds, support. I know I will need this. I can't put my family through this again. The times I went through withdrawal before my family though I had the flu and I just can't do this again. My wife hates it when I'm sick. She has no compassion and hates weakness. I think a week in detox is the best way to end this as comfortably as possible. I am going to be honest with my doctors so I will cut off all sources. that way I wont be able to relapse. I am thinking of doing it over a weekend like thursday thru tuesday. I would just have to tell my wife the truth that I have still been taking them and have been trying to get off them for several months but the withdrawals have made it incredibly hard. I will tell her that I am sorry and that I want to end this so that we can work on us. There no way I can continue this way. I dont want to lose you. I realize I have done allot of damage and this has not helped but if I don't do this than we dont have a chance. I hope she will understand. I hope she doesn't leave me. I think this is the best way to do this. What do you think?
Boy do I feel for you!! Im so sorry you're going through this and your wife isn't (yet) supporting you. I think you need to come clean with your wife and the Dr. But I begging you please dont trade one addiction for another!! Take the most natural way possible to get clean dont become dependent on the withdrawl meds. I did it cold turkey at home and dragged my butt out of bed each day! Which wasn't easy after being up all night with the RLS and the sweats! But I work from home so it was great not to have to face the world feeling like that. My husband it great and supports me which I so hope your wife come around also because that would help you so much! Good luck!!
I think this is a good plan.I hope she understands that you are really trying to do this for your family.Good luck buddy
OK, change of plans. The detox facility I contacted gave me another option and gave me the contact info of a doctor that used to work there and has opened his own practice. He himself is a recovering pain pill addict. I have an appointment with him next Tuesday. I am supposed to go there in intermediate withdrawal. Not supposed to take anything 12 hours prior. I am going to see if he has a plan to get me off these pills but still be a functional parent, employee and husband. I was told that once he starts with me I have to see him daily for the first week. I like this idea because if I have having issues like not sleeping I am hoping he can give me something to help with that. I am worried because of when the appointment is. I cannot be sick through the thanksgiving holiday. My family would not appreciate that at all.
sounds like he is going to put you on a replacement.I hope this doesn't just prolong the agony and make it worse.I just do not know about this
I would not want him to put you on suboxone. You will have to wean off of this also. What about weaning off the drug slowly and taking Clonidine once you are totally off the drug?
Your wife sounds a lot like my husband. I know others will disagree but I don't know if telling her is a good idea. My husband was not supportive. He accuses me of abusing Vitamin C now. I can't take anything without being accused of abusing it. I regret ever being honest with him. He also accused me of abusing antibiotics when I had a sinus infection that wouldn't go away. He said I needed to go to rehab when I went to the doctor twice in one month for the sinus infection. Try to get an insurance company to pay for that!!!
Your wife sounds a lot like my husband. I know others will disagree but I don't know if telling her is a good idea. My husband was not supportive. He accuses me of abusing Vitamin C now. I can't take anything without being accused of abusing it. I regret ever being honest with him. He also accused me of abusing antibiotics when I had a sinus infection that wouldn't go away. He said I needed to go to rehab when I went to the doctor twice in one month for the sinus infection. Try to get an insurance company to pay for that!!!
I agree with you on not telling my wife. I have talked with my mom about this too. She is really my only support. She told me that nothing good will come from it. My wife would not understand and not simpathize with me on it at all. You and my mom are right. I will not tell her. I will have to kick this on my own. I got a referral from a detox clinic to see a pain management recovery doctor. He used to work for them and is a recovering addict himself. I have an appointment with him tomorrow at 1:30 pm. He does use Subexone. I am worried about taking this but I cannot taper down on the Oxycodone. I don't trust myself. I will take more than I am supposed to. I know it. I am going to put my trust in this doctor and lay it all on the table for him. I will take my last dose of Oxy toninght as I am supposed to stop taking the meds 12 hours before seeing him. For me it will be more like 18 hours. I am supposed to be in begining stages of withdrwal when I go there. I am scared to death that I am going to be sick again. I need to be functional over the Thankgiving holiday and to put up all the Christmas decorations like we do every year. I am supposed to see him daily for the first week. I am glad because if I am having trouble he will be able to make adjustments to help me. Sleep is the biggest problem. If I can't sleep within and a couple days I will be a mess. He will then taper me down off the Subexone at a gradual pace. I am hoping to get through that within a month. I don't want to take it anymore than that. The good thing is you don't get high taking it so there's no reason to take more witch is why I couln't taper off the Oxy. He came highly recomended so I hope this will work for me. I am really worried about it. I am not one to go buy drugs off the streets. I have no one I could convince to give me any so this is it. All my sources for the drugs have been cut so I have to get off it period. I WILL GET OFF THIS STUFF! I will post again and let everyone know how it's going. Thanks for caring. wish me luck!
Ann, I just wanted to let you know that I took my last Oxy last night at 8pm. My appointment with my new doc was a 2pm today. I didnt get in to see him till 3pm and was already withdrawing bad. I was crying just talking to him about everything. (I'm already an emotional guy but when I'm in withdrawal it's rediculous). He stopped me and gave me a cup. It had a little orange pill in it. He told me to put it under my tongue and wait till it disolved. It was Subexone. I felt 100% better in like 2 minutes. Unbelivable! I told him that I am glad it works but that I don't want to get dependant on it and he said that I won't. He is going to taper me off it within a 3 week time frame. He says he has helped hundreds like me. I feel great! I am not taking those evil pills any more. I will take a pill twice a day. He wants to see me tomorrow to see if the dose worked. I am back at work and doing great. I will be able to enjoy my holiday weekend without having to worry about how many pills I have left and when I can take more and the guilt I have been going through. I know everyone says don't take Subexone but I think if I follow the plan and get off it in a few weeks the nightmare will be over! I am so relieved! Have a great Thanksgiving :)
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