I'm at my rock bottom. Please help!

[Friend999]

I'm asking all of you, my friends, to be part of my last desparate hope.  I call you my friends, even though I have not posted a lot, but I have seen yiour hearts, felt your pain, and cried with you over countless hours the last few months.  I'm crying now, as I write this, because I will have to leave a very wonderful friend to face the demons of the pills of false happiness alone. It is not my choice, because she has pushed me out of her life, but as many of you have warned me, addiction can ruin the lives of those near the addicted.  I'm still willing to have my heart pierced a few more times, but maybe it is for the best, for me.

Please find one more example of the compassion you have shown by writng an anonomous letter to my friend when answering this post.  She is 34, single, and has had "a problem with pain pills "all of her life" (problably roxycodone). To my knowledge she has kept this a secret from everyone. She is not at rock bottom, and I believe she is in and out of withdrawals as her money dictates. I cannot get her on this forum. I don't know her dosages.

Please write the letter to "A", from (your first name) (or nickname), where you are from, and what you would like to say to her. I know this is a long shot, and that she has to be ready, but when things get desperate, one must try anything.  

I sincerely thank you all from the bottom of my heart. My prayers will continue to include all of you, and her, and I wish you all the best as you try to get your life back.  

Sincerely,

Friend999

[Friend999]

Thank you so so much.  My heart goes out to you.  Very powerful letters written from the heart.

Bless you both, and I wish you "your life".

Friend999

[1234betterlife]

i am 48 years old, i am a professional, a registered nurse, a good mother, friend, sister and in a relationship with another recovered addict. this disease sneaks up on you, it knows no discrimination. before you realize it you have become someone you would never have imagined you would be. BUT that is not you. you are still there. at some point you recognize and admit to yourself that you are what you are. at that time i beg you to receive the advice of the others as well as myself and do whatever it takes to get your life back. it does not matter what others think. all that matters is that you recover and rescue the person inside you. you will be able to wake up, not worry about pills or feeling bad physically or mentally. you will not live with guilt anymore. you will not need to hide. it takes work. a lot of work but it is well worth it. i am once again able to live a normal productive life. i have to stay vigilant and work at it but i am no longer suffering. as you can see from our responses we are all around you. we are also willing to help you if you decide you want yourself back. there are many valuable lessons to be learned from this. you will come out the other side a more complete and understanding person. i wish the best for you and can only hope we can help you in some small way.

[feohmoon]

There is no way to know what a 'haze' you are living in until you emerge from it.  The mental clarity alone is incentive enough to stay off pills.
I can understand an opiate addict having fear of quitting because the pills are what motivates...no one likes to feel bad.  There is no way to express how awesome it is to overcome this...try not to focus on the negative or the withdrawals...that does not last long considering all you gain.
Best of luck...

You are a great friend...just keep putting positive energy out there for her and she will be ok.

Peace

[Friend999]

Thank you so much for your letter to "A".

I truly hope you get back to where you were.

Ordinary housewife who works and has two children?  You are that and so much more!

My very best to you.

Friend999

[reviewer]

Girl,,I know what you are going through. it took me until this past month to realize that I really had a problem.  At first I would what they call binge use... I would see some pills usually  hydrocodone pills.  I would take them until they were gone. sometimes 4-5 at atime. just to get the rush and feeling of energy that they gave me.  That was 2 years ago.  This past year I found myself going to doctor to doctor with ailments( boy I was good too).  they would give me medicine to take.  I hid all of this from my husband.  
One day this past fall my mother asked why I had changed, what was wrong with me.  I did not put make up on anymore.  I stayed at home.  I was a real you know what to be around.  THe energy was gone I did not do my housework and my job suffered.  I lost a job that I dearly loved and I am trying to get back to where I was.  I am just an ordinary housewife who works and has 2 children.  But I allowed the pills to come in and just ruin my life..  But like people have written.. until YOU wan to stop nothing or no one can make you.  Just think back on your life before using drugs...

[Friend999]

I understand, Mike.  It was the truth as you see it (saw it), and I thank you for that.

Friend999

[Mikeinthesouth]

Please don't misunderstand what I am saying. I applaud your help and wish you all the success one can wish. I just want your friend to know they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings if at all like my own. This was not at you, but for your friend to read and know they are not alone. Sorry if it is a bit harsh sounding. Mike

[Friend999]

Thank you, Mike.

I am just trying.  I truly hope that you will be who you used to be.  Best wishes to you.

Friend999

[Mikeinthesouth]

There are no words to change the mind of one addicted and using at least for me there were none and I think I have heard quite a few. I felt the threats were empty or they were so mistaken of who I am or what I am doing and that this is none of anyones business of what I do as it don't affect them much at all. I was so wrong in my feelings and opinions. All anyone did I have finally gotten the strength to stand and fight this addiction head on to be clean because I have chosen to not what anyone threatened me with as a few have already followed through with threir threats and it is not that much of a deterent for me. I just want to be who I used to be. Take Care, Mike

[Friend999]

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

To everyone else, please write a letter to "A".  Maybe, maybe, what YOU say just might be a trigger to push her in the right direction.

She is a WONDERFUL person, and you could save her life.  Please try!

Friend999

[Friend999]

Thank you, Jess, from the bottom of my heart.

Friend888

[sweetmomma_7]

I am a wife and Mother to 6 beautiful children. I too let pills take over my life. I kept telling myself that I had it undercontrol and that I didn't have a problem. Once I ran out of pills my sister saw me hit rock bottom. I was at the point of not caring about my children or my husband or anyone for that matter. The only thing that matterd in my life were those pills.

I lied to everyone especially to my husband. I was stealing money from him to buy my pills and then had to make up lies about where the money went. After 6 years of being an addict I finally opened my eyes and saw what I was doing to myslef and to everyone else.

Here is just a few things I have been through in the past 1 1/2 years because of my addiction. My Mother and Brother stopped talking to me and even called the cops on me to have my kids taken away ( luckily because my husband was there they didn't take my kids). We had 2 cars go through repossesion, our house just went through forecloseure, I lost all of my family and friends, I almost ended up in jail for prescription fraud, and noone knows this not even my husband but I even cheated on him to get pills. I really saw my life slipping away.

I finally decided that I have been through enough. I was tired of my kids seeing mommy cry all the time, and was tired of acting a way I never acted before. I pulled out an old photo album of me ( before my drug use) and saw how happy I really was without drugs. That was when I decided I wanted to be like that again.

I found this Forum 2 weeks ago and I was amazed at how wonderful these people are. Right now I have been clean for 2weeks and I will NEVER go back to those pills. It was my will powere to quit but most of all these great people on here.

You have a great friend who is worried about you. You also have all of us now who are worried for you too. If you don't post just keep reading until you get the power to write.

We are here for you!

Jess

[Friend999]

Dear MJ:

What a powerful letter to "A".  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Friend999

[marcatj]

Dear A -

From someone who has been in your shoes - who abused pain pills and didn't necessarily hit rock bottom, I imagine you are feeling the loneliness and quiet despair I was.  The hopelessness.  That steady, grey, empty feeling of depression as well as not really feeling any emotions (well, except the explosive ones.  The ones where you feel like a "victim." Oh, and the anger.)  Also the desperation.`  Quiety hating yourself and what you are doing.  And again, feeling tremendous shame...  

You're probably still chasing the "high" too, of a few pills at a time, that high that doesn't come anymore...  Maybe you're also going back and forth in your head too, between justifying your use, and knowing you have a problem.

You HAVE a problem.  You've stopped living.  You've stopped feeling joy.  Your soul is dimmed...

You will only know what it feels like to feel joy, love, beauty again when you quit pills.

It's scary, I know.  They're your "pal."  It sure helps to block out all the b.s. in the world..

Unfortunately, it blocks out everything.  It blocks out life.

From being on both sides (yeah, I coulda kept going... I hadn't hit "bottom"..) you need to know that life with pills and life off of pills are two different lives.

I now feel joy.  I now feel love.  I feel ALIVE.  And I am SO grateful.  So happy to be alive now.  I look forward to the next day to see what life is going to give me! Not avoiding my friends, the phone, work and everything else..

But you ain't gonna feel that on pills, sister.  You know exactly what I'm talking about.

So... put them down for awhile.  Do you really think everyone is "lieing" or "doesn't get it" when people say life is so, so very much better now?

Put 'em down for awhile.  H e l l, you can always go back, right?  So give it a shot and just see if what I'm saying is true.  If it's not, go back to using.

I'm sure your friends and family really miss you.  The real you.  The authentic you.  Which I'm sure is a really beautiful you... don't you want her back?

Be well,
mj

[Friend999]

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

To everyone else, please write a letter to "A".  Maybe, maybe, what YOU say just might be a trigger to push her in the right direction.

She is a WONDERFUL person, and you could save her life.  Please try!

Friend999

[Friend999]

Flmagi, I too so want to get her on this forum.  In a sense I am taking the forum to her, but only a small piece.  Yes, I can see how it might be difficult for some to look inward to come up with a letter.  I'm just asking them to write a letter to someone from theit hearts.  The heart can speak volumes.

Untwisting, thank you.  You are a gem, and your post was definitely from the heart, a beautiful heart that is 15 days closer to living with yourself, proud of yourself, and being there for your family.  Fight those cravings with all of your being, work on ways of getting past them, scream at them with all of your might!  I'll pray for you!

Please, what would the rest of you say from your heart to someone who is where you were.  Please write a letter to "A".  She needs you.

Friend999

[untwisting]

I'm still very much at the beginning of my recovery - thank God for the powerful posts above. I'm 15 days clean - but am struggling with cravings - the words help me remember what I'm working towards and walking away from. Thank you all

A - I've got 2 wonderful kids and am shamed when they follow up on something they've told me the night before that I can't remember because I was high. I want to be proud of myself and there for my family. I realized that when a handful of Vics hardly does anything I'm in trouble. I'm tired of feeling hollow, lying and being selfish and I know it would only get worse if I continue. I can't keep track of who I've lied to and which pill source to use. I steal pills from people who really need them. I'm afraid of getting caught and going to jail, loosing my job and everything that's important to me. Life is too crazy when I using. I want sobriety so I can live with myself. Want it for yourself.

[flmagi]

Sorry your not getting a bigger response to this. I think its probably hard for some people to do, because they may have to turn inward and think of what someone could have said to them to get them to wake up.
I really wish you could get your friend on this forum.

[Friend999]

I am overwhelmed by your support. These are exactly the type of letters I was hoping for.  Bless you all. I do not have the experience of being addicted (Experience? I can't believe I said that) but it is really hard for me to believe that such powerful messages such as what I have read here cannot penetrate the "fog".  You folks say probably not, but isn't it worth the try?

To all others, please write a letter to my friend "A".  I would be so gratefull.

[allaboutmary]

My name is Mary. I'm 48 years old. I take Suboxone, so I am not clean yet, but headed in the right direction.
Are you feeling that this addiction is much stronger than you ?  That your not like other addicts, that you won't be able to overcome this ?  That your too far gone to be saved and you will be an addict until it kills you ?  Do you wake up every morning feeling hopeless and think I will never be able to get out of this vicious cycle of abusing.  
These are all the things that used to go through my head.
You are not alone in this.
I guarantee some of the things you are thinking, I have thought also.
Please don't be afraid.  Just take one step for today.  Just one step.
Come on this forum and read.  No commitment . Just read.
Never lose hope !     Hugs to you.   Mary

[flmagi]

Dear A,
My name is Magi. I am oldest of three sisters, all of us are pain pill addicts. Myself and the youngest sister, Mary, are on the road to recovery. The middle sister, Dee, is still very actively useing and in extreme denial.  I am going to speak to you as if you were my sister, because you very well could be.

To my sister,
I have so much fear for what IS happening and may happen to you, that it consumes my thoughts on a daily basis. I know you don't see, feel or beleive the changes that are slowly takeing over you, but I have been there, I recognize them. I didn't see them in myself either until I stopped. I'm so afraid you will never admit that the pills are takeing over and takeing you further away from us. I know you think you have it under control and that you have a high tolerance, when in all actuality, you have lost all control. Why can't you see this? We have warned you of every step of this addiction thing. You have seen first hand what it did to us and the struggle we've gone thru, time and time again, to break free of this.  But you continue to put your hand up to us in dismissal, like we're exaggerating it all and like we're anti-drug zealots. Don't you understand, we're trying to pass on our knowledge to you, so that you won't need to go thru what we have.
I'm so afraid you will never stop the pills. That you're gonna keep increasing the amount you take, until one day, you don't wake up. What are we gonna do then? How will our family go on without you? How can we wake up every day knowing your not there anymore? That maybe I could have done something more? Said something that would have made a difference? Why couldn't I have stopped you? What will happen when I go to call you and remember that your not there? How will there ever be a holiday again? How will I ever be able to look your son in the face? What do I say to him when he crys " Why didn't you make her stop?, "You knew, you should have done something" My Mom is dead because you did nothing". He won't understand when I tell him, addicts have to want to stop and that I tried to warn you.  What do I tell him when he asks " Why didn't she love me enough to quit?", "Why did she love the pills more than me?". These thoughts haunt me everyday.
We see the changes happening, you don't laugh anymore, not like you use to. Its the addicts forced laugh. You're getting more and more impatient with people...and alittle snippy. Your becoming numb. The sister I know is starting to disappear. Its getting uncomfortable to be around you.  You are not the same, even though you think you are. Its getting harder to talk to you, you're moving into your own little world. I know you don't see this happening, you don't beleive it.  How do I make you see it? What do I do? I cannot handle loosing a sister.  I can't loose either of my sisters, but I worry about you even more. You've never really been one to stop and take a long hard look at yourself. You're always to busy helping or fixing everyone else.
Your sisters love you and worry so much about you, that if it were possible to trade places, we'd take your addiction away from you and onto ourselves to save you.
We are here for you and will do whatever we have to, to help you get clean. Please stop now. We can't loose you. Please. We'll help you.
With love and a pleading heart,
Magi

[toxictome]

Please come and read on the forum. I  hope it helps you to see  where your life is headed. Only you can decide whether you have a problem or not, but if you think you may...we'd love to support you in getting clean. You are lucky to have a friend who cares about you and is concerned about what is going on in your life. Addiction steals the soul right out of your body...and you don't  even know it until it is too late....and all your left w/ is an empty shell of a person. You become numb and hollow to life an dall tha tis going on around you.Take an honest  look at your life and save yourself before it is too late...because addiction has no boundries!! I hope all these letters  bring you back to reality!!!
Good luck!!

[Friend999]

WOW! to both of you, and thank you.

Please all, write your letter.  What would you say to her?

Thank you,

Friend999

[toxictome]

WOW!!!! That's all i can say!!! Those are a couple of powerful posts!!  Thank-you!!