Aa
Jumping off methadone
First let me tell you a little bit about me. I'm 50 years old, male and have been on methadone for the last 10 years. I'm an alcoholic who quit drinking 29 years ago. I don't do any other recreational drugs whatsoever as opiates have scratched that itch quite well. A few months back after tapering down from 80 mg a day to 20 mg per day , I signed out of the clinic and walked away. I was determined that with the small stockpile I had at home I could continue to wean myself off. I called a good friend of mine who has also been on methadone for over 10 years , although not at any particular Clinic and told her I was done. She happened to be horribly dope sick that day and begged me for a few wafers. I personally have great empathy for other Junkies who are sick and trying to keep it together, hold a job, pay a mortgage Etc ...
To make a long story short I picked the wrong time and the wrong parking lot to meet my lifelong friend in and soon I was in jail. I didn't stay in jail long as I do have some savings and means to post bond. I hired the best attorneys that I could and continued to cut my dose down as my court date approached. Last Wednesday was my court date and my attorneys worked out a no felony deal that knocked the drug charge down to a misdemeanor and more importantly the gun charge down to a misdemeanor (I live in a state that allows registered guns in your car) I also got 12 months of drug tested probation and it's because of this that I decided to jump off and go clean from 10mg of methadone a day. I've been doing opiates for 17 years and I've went the same route that a lot of you guys have. A bad back injury led to a prescription of Lortabs then to Percocet to Roxy's, oxy's, lollipops, pain patches and smack if nothing else was around. My last dose was Wednesday morning(10mg) a week ago. I was drug tested the day after I went to court , called in at random they said.. what they really wanted was a Baseline so that they could see if the numbers went down nanograms/ decaliter wise. Therefore I don't have the luxury of taking benzos to sleep or even the most innocuous of prescription meds if they're not prescribed to me, it would be a violation Of course and I'd end up further entwined with the justice system. Here is how it's went:
I noticed nothing Thursday except for anxiety.
Friday was a bit worse but still nothing I couldn't work through.
Saturday I could tell I was going into the beginnings of a somewhat serious withdrawal. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night and the joint pain centered itself in both ankles. Sunday I knew I was in trouble, the nausea started , digestive troubles bubbled away painfully in my gut and sleep escaped me no matter what I tried. I was sweating like a w**** in church and more anxious than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. It was a very rough day.
Monday it appeared, at first at least , was going to be a great day . Somehow Sunday night I had managed to sleep four and a half hours and my mind had tricked itself into thinking the worst was over . I Knew by noon that it was certainly not over. The mystery sleep had simply been one of those strange gifts that happened from time to time and not anything more. I decided instead of being crestfallen about the situation I would instead be grateful that somehow, somewhere, someone had allowed me that rest. No matter how rough Monday was I resolved myself to be in a grateful State of Mind for the nearly five hours of blissful sleep that I'd received. It's currently Tuesday evening and I'm feeling pretty rough. my face is so flushed , my body stinks , my ankles feel like they've been run over by semi truck, I am utterly exhausted but it's the small things that keep me moving. I want to be clean. I want to put this hellish chapter behind me. I no longer want to be a Slave to the Grind of this disease The constant Hustle and Flow of opiate addiction has left me exhausted emotionally, spiritually and financially. Wish me luck, say a prayer and hopefully you'll hear from me again
Regards , Dave
To make a long story short I picked the wrong time and the wrong parking lot to meet my lifelong friend in and soon I was in jail. I didn't stay in jail long as I do have some savings and means to post bond. I hired the best attorneys that I could and continued to cut my dose down as my court date approached. Last Wednesday was my court date and my attorneys worked out a no felony deal that knocked the drug charge down to a misdemeanor and more importantly the gun charge down to a misdemeanor (I live in a state that allows registered guns in your car) I also got 12 months of drug tested probation and it's because of this that I decided to jump off and go clean from 10mg of methadone a day. I've been doing opiates for 17 years and I've went the same route that a lot of you guys have. A bad back injury led to a prescription of Lortabs then to Percocet to Roxy's, oxy's, lollipops, pain patches and smack if nothing else was around. My last dose was Wednesday morning(10mg) a week ago. I was drug tested the day after I went to court , called in at random they said.. what they really wanted was a Baseline so that they could see if the numbers went down nanograms/ decaliter wise. Therefore I don't have the luxury of taking benzos to sleep or even the most innocuous of prescription meds if they're not prescribed to me, it would be a violation Of course and I'd end up further entwined with the justice system. Here is how it's went:
I noticed nothing Thursday except for anxiety.
Friday was a bit worse but still nothing I couldn't work through.
Saturday I could tell I was going into the beginnings of a somewhat serious withdrawal. I didn't sleep at all Saturday night and the joint pain centered itself in both ankles. Sunday I knew I was in trouble, the nausea started , digestive troubles bubbled away painfully in my gut and sleep escaped me no matter what I tried. I was sweating like a w**** in church and more anxious than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. It was a very rough day.
Monday it appeared, at first at least , was going to be a great day . Somehow Sunday night I had managed to sleep four and a half hours and my mind had tricked itself into thinking the worst was over . I Knew by noon that it was certainly not over. The mystery sleep had simply been one of those strange gifts that happened from time to time and not anything more. I decided instead of being crestfallen about the situation I would instead be grateful that somehow, somewhere, someone had allowed me that rest. No matter how rough Monday was I resolved myself to be in a grateful State of Mind for the nearly five hours of blissful sleep that I'd received. It's currently Tuesday evening and I'm feeling pretty rough. my face is so flushed , my body stinks , my ankles feel like they've been run over by semi truck, I am utterly exhausted but it's the small things that keep me moving. I want to be clean. I want to put this hellish chapter behind me. I no longer want to be a Slave to the Grind of this disease The constant Hustle and Flow of opiate addiction has left me exhausted emotionally, spiritually and financially. Wish me luck, say a prayer and hopefully you'll hear from me again
Regards , Dave
As you say, "fighting the good fight" and it sure feels like it. I don't know where I read it but 10% per month improvement seems accurate. I think I'm better than a few weeks ago, although I still don't want to be around people... It's certainly nice to have you as a friend who really DOES understand!! Keep on keeping on
1 Comments
Just letting you know I'm thinking of you Dave Sending Prayers things are going well.. lesa
I'm still here. Still clean, still fighting the good fight. Just overwhelmed with hospital visits and stress. My mom will finally be moving to a rehab center for her hip soon. The Surgeon found a 80-90% blockage in her coronary artery and put in a stent to open it up. She's feeling more energetic than she has in years. She's a tough woman. I can't wait to drive her back to her house when this is finally over.
What a wild ride.
I couldn't have done it while using.
2 Comments
It feels good to be there 100% for someone you Love including yourself. Proud of you Dave! I bet your Mom is thrilled with her son! Good to hear she is well and feeling better soon you will be on that drive with her home..
Thank you and yes, it feels good to be present...
Day86
5:30pm.
For 15 years my life revolved around opiate use. For the first 60 days of my recovery, life revolved around freeing myself from that usage. But as of late, I'm realizing my life is beginning to revolve around other things. Life is incredibly complicated and immensely diverse and it involves much more than pills, doctor's visits, call ins, and **** tests.
Lately with my mother being hospitalized and me myself feeling better and better everyday, I've thought less and less about the things of old and more and more about what really matters. I can only thank God that I began my recovery when I did and that I was well enough to make the five-hour round-trip to visit with my mother and support her. Just 60 days ago I don't think I could have accomplished these things. There was a time, a few weeks back, when I couldn't even stand for more than 15 minutes without becoming exhausted and nauseated. Remember that? I do...
Tomorrow go back to do more volunteer work. The work is being done at a local Recovery House which is in dire need of the renovation it's receiving. I am certain that I will be able to work 5 strong hard hours. I'll be tired when it's over, I'll be exhausted when it's over , but I'm sure I'll be able to do it. My confidence has grown so much from this small volunteer job. It's been worth every hour I have put in.
Welp, it's been three hours since I started writing this post. I got interrupted by a phone call saying that my elderly mother and her somewhat elderly sister were having a major argument inside my mother's hospital room...
So now I'm certain that all the nurses think we're a bunch of backwoods rednecks. (We are but I didn't want them knowing it)
My aunt, who's rude anyways, is addicted to pain meds prescribed for L4-L5 back surgeries.
Too many pills and she loses touch with any empathy. What follows is snippy rudeness disguised as curt observations.
Not good to be snippy with my mother. This is a woman who escorted the meter reader off her property via a 12 gauge after she witnessed him pepper spray her Dogs.
Anyways, it's so unfortunate that my family is showing its azz but hey, I've been showing mine for 15 yrs...
So there's that'
Gotta get some rest. Everyone have a blessed weekend..
-Dave
5:30pm.
For 15 years my life revolved around opiate use. For the first 60 days of my recovery, life revolved around freeing myself from that usage. But as of late, I'm realizing my life is beginning to revolve around other things. Life is incredibly complicated and immensely diverse and it involves much more than pills, doctor's visits, call ins, and **** tests.
Lately with my mother being hospitalized and me myself feeling better and better everyday, I've thought less and less about the things of old and more and more about what really matters. I can only thank God that I began my recovery when I did and that I was well enough to make the five-hour round-trip to visit with my mother and support her. Just 60 days ago I don't think I could have accomplished these things. There was a time, a few weeks back, when I couldn't even stand for more than 15 minutes without becoming exhausted and nauseated. Remember that? I do...
Tomorrow go back to do more volunteer work. The work is being done at a local Recovery House which is in dire need of the renovation it's receiving. I am certain that I will be able to work 5 strong hard hours. I'll be tired when it's over, I'll be exhausted when it's over , but I'm sure I'll be able to do it. My confidence has grown so much from this small volunteer job. It's been worth every hour I have put in.
Welp, it's been three hours since I started writing this post. I got interrupted by a phone call saying that my elderly mother and her somewhat elderly sister were having a major argument inside my mother's hospital room...
So now I'm certain that all the nurses think we're a bunch of backwoods rednecks. (We are but I didn't want them knowing it)
My aunt, who's rude anyways, is addicted to pain meds prescribed for L4-L5 back surgeries.
Too many pills and she loses touch with any empathy. What follows is snippy rudeness disguised as curt observations.
Not good to be snippy with my mother. This is a woman who escorted the meter reader off her property via a 12 gauge after she witnessed him pepper spray her Dogs.
Anyways, it's so unfortunate that my family is showing its azz but hey, I've been showing mine for 15 yrs...
So there's that'
Gotta get some rest. Everyone have a blessed weekend..
-Dave
Day83
9:35am.
Very, very busy but doing well. My mother's hospital stay has been trying. For starters, her hospital is 4.5 hrs round trip from me. Secondly, the hospital doesn't seem to know from day to day what the plan is supposed to be.
It is very frustrating to say the least.
My recovery seems to be picking up a bit of momentum as of late. Some mornings I wake up and simply feel...Well, Normal.
My sleep seems to have evened out at about 5 hours a night. Unfortunately, that leaves me feeling that I need more sleep. But I've discovered that it doesn't do any good to try to lie back down and pick up another couple hours. It's simply not to be had and I end up wasting time in bed for nothing.
But, if I'll get on up and get in motion, within an hour or so the sensation of being sleep deprived will evaporate.
All in all I'm very satisfied with where I'm at in my recovery. It hasn't went smoothly or perfectly by any means but I've made progress and the progress I've made is tangible and irrefutable. I am undeniably much better than I was 60 days ago.
It's just so easy to forget how far I've come and concentrate instead on the little things in my life that are still out of focus.
But fear not I am still trudging along making progress and getting better. Hopefully things will calm down soon and I'll be able to post more frequently.
All my best to everyone,
Dave
9:35am.
Very, very busy but doing well. My mother's hospital stay has been trying. For starters, her hospital is 4.5 hrs round trip from me. Secondly, the hospital doesn't seem to know from day to day what the plan is supposed to be.
It is very frustrating to say the least.
My recovery seems to be picking up a bit of momentum as of late. Some mornings I wake up and simply feel...Well, Normal.
My sleep seems to have evened out at about 5 hours a night. Unfortunately, that leaves me feeling that I need more sleep. But I've discovered that it doesn't do any good to try to lie back down and pick up another couple hours. It's simply not to be had and I end up wasting time in bed for nothing.
But, if I'll get on up and get in motion, within an hour or so the sensation of being sleep deprived will evaporate.
All in all I'm very satisfied with where I'm at in my recovery. It hasn't went smoothly or perfectly by any means but I've made progress and the progress I've made is tangible and irrefutable. I am undeniably much better than I was 60 days ago.
It's just so easy to forget how far I've come and concentrate instead on the little things in my life that are still out of focus.
But fear not I am still trudging along making progress and getting better. Hopefully things will calm down soon and I'll be able to post more frequently.
All my best to everyone,
Dave
3 Comments
This post made me grin from ear to ear Dave! Congrats on 83 Days!!
Thank you very much..
I admire your positive outlook... You're right it's easy to forget. Simply not being tied to a drug everyday is a miracle in itself. I need to remember the simplest of things sometimes and you help me with that.
Fellow men in recovery take b12 shots and say it really helps big time -- shoots my anxiety to the stratosphere so I only did one... doesn't bother them though...
It always seems you work the problem. :)
It always seems you work the problem. :)
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