Just have to get this out...Some one please help me.

[monkey231]

I am so frusterated!  I tryed to just stop....HAHAHA....that lasted till about 5:00pm today then called up a "friend" drove an hour and a half to get some Diloudeds, my body was shaking and I couldnt breath, my legs were aching and I was freezing cold but sweating....I sat in the car with my "friend" the second he gave me the pills I crushed some of them up and snorted them.....Then I sat back in the drivers seat and started thinking about my little boy.  And how earlier that day I was blowing bubbles and he was running around the room laughing and clapping his hands togeather busting the bubbles.  I dont know why I had to leave him to go get pills.  What the hell is wrong with me?  What kind of mother would rather drive an hour and a half just to buy a bunch of pills then sit at home playing with her son.  I love my son to death, but Im starting to think there is really something wrong with me.  I cant honestly say that I give my son my best, and as much as it hurts to say it, my son deserves better than me.  Its killing me.  I've been crying for hours.  I love my son, I want to give him everything.  Why did I have to leave him today over drugs?  Im not that kind of person.  I grew up with my parents always drinking and doing drugs in my house.  I swore I wouldnt be that person.  But I am.  I hate myself.  Im ruining my sons life....And the worst part is that sitting hear thinking about all this, I should throw away the pills right now, and just be done with it....But instead, Im snorting more so that I dont have to feel this way....What the hell is wrong with me?

[monkey231]

Im trying to come up with a plan.  Everyone here has given me so many ideas....Im just really scared.  I feel helpless and controled by the pills.  Its driving me crazy.  I feel like theres no way I can do it.  Im determend to get my life back, and give my son everything he deserves.  I'm just scared of the WD and scared that I wont be able to do it.

[cathy5841]

monkey, it is called addiction.  it is a powerful disease that demands to be heard.  it is not easy to beat but it has been beaten.  i am 70 days clean and it is hard work.  but your little boy needs to be your inspiration.  he deserves a clean mom.  i feel the pain in your post, i have been there.  you will have to make a committment and stick to it, reguardless of the pain.  you can do this.  no one is worse off than i was.  i went through 7 days of pure hell.  i thought iwas gonna die and i wanted to.  bit then i turned the corner and i begin to see clearer and as the fog lifted i knew it was so worht it.  you can do this.  you need a plan. stick witht he forum there is great advice here and very caring ppl to help you through this.  i am her if you need me, but you gotta do the real workm we cant do it for you, but, we can walk through it with you.  good luck
cathy

[grncandy]

Do not feel bad . I took my baby to score today. I am going into detox monday but it still makes me feel like less of a mother. But worried is wright about a plan a goal or something. It is nights like u are having that made me spend everyday last week making plans to get better.

[worried878]

you just arent there yet...but u r getting there...i did this for a while before i threw in the towel...drugs change our prioities big time...that was the other me tho so I do not take responsibility!    doesnt work that way  lol......do you have a goal?   a plan?  have you thought of making one that is livable and does not scare you to death?