Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

[Emmas Mom]

So, I am hanging in there on my taper.  Down to 11.  I had a horrible night sleep last night, but I can take it.  Why is it when you are trying to make a positive change, all these negative things keep happening?  My husband is bi-polar and I found out last night he had written a bunch of bad checks on our joint account and also wrote some on a CLOSED account in his name.  The kicker is when I found out, he got mad at ME and I never support him, blah blah blah.  I was just bawling.  My marriage sucks and I am not trying to make excuses but when things started going bad in my marriage was when I started using more and more pills.  I don't have the urge to use more than what I am tapering with, which is good though.  I sware, if it was not for my daughter I would have left a long time ago.  I love him, but I can't keep cleaning up his messes.

Sorry for the crazy post, I just needed to vent!

Beth

[bobby139]

Like everyone is telling you, you have to come first and get your head clear then you can make the other dissisions you have to in your life.
My husband dosn't want to deal with me, he keeps trying to get me to get back on the pills....I finally told him lastnite that I'am doing the best i can though all this and if he dosn't like it he can kiss my ***. The point is you have to think of yourself right now!
good luck and keep posting
bobby
PS ignore misspelled words, my brain and fingers arnt working togather lol.....

[scared2Bwithout_my_Vees]

You can't worry about your husband right now.  If u r like me I couldn't see the real picture because I was taking so many pills.  I think your husband is a trigger for you.  It's too hard to taper & try to figure out how to make the marriage better at the same time.  I couldn't.  Now that I'm getting off the pills I can decide to stay & be better able to make it work OR will have the clearsightedness to leave.  Either way, you can't make it better on the pills- but you know this or you wouldn't be trying to qiut the pills now!
Things will get better.  Just please focus on & take care of yourself now.  You deserve it.

[Cupp]

Keep going...it is going to be worth it when we get there!  I have a 10 month old and he too is my reason for getting clean.  Today is my first day after my taper (actually I couldn't taper correctly so it is more of a CT thing).  You can do it and just keep thinking of how amazing it is going to feel to got out and play with your daughter and enjoy the feel of the sunshine on your face, the coolness of the breeze, the sweet smell of the grass, the angelic ring of your child laughing, and the innocent beauty of your daughter's smile.  No pill in the world can give you that!!!  I keep telling myself that and it has helped me get through the day so far.
You probably have changed since getting married too...I know I have.  The addiction reduces you to less than you were before...but you can get it back. Best of luck to you and concentrate on you getting better first and then you can work on the marriage.

[worried878]

Good luck...sounds like u r sticking to your plan...I tapered and quit...still clean after 6 weeks but it does seem like all kinds of stuff started happening to make me use again..not fair!    keep moving forward

[mimi1313]

If he is bipolar does he take meds for that?

Your anxiety is probably from both.

[Emmas Mom]

Thank you for all the support.  It is so hard.  Where is the man I fell in love with?  I miss him so much.  He is a wonderful father and I know he can be a wonderful husband, but I have not seen it in so long.  I am only 25 and I do not want to be stuck in a crappy marriage my whole life, but I keep praying he will change and things will get better.

My solace is my daughter.  She is such an amazing little girl and she keeps me going and my eyes on the prize.  I want to be the best mother and person I can be.    My anxiety is so high today and I can't tell if it is from the taper or him.  I know things will get better and I am trying to concentrate on getting clean and figure the rest out later.

[toxictome]

GOOod job on your taper...keep on going!!!
Get yourself clean and then look at the whole picture again...you will know what to do!
Keep posting and Good Luck!

[scared2Bwithout_my_Vees]

i know what you are going through.  I have been tapering from 25 a day.  today is my first day of taking zero.  When I was at 11 it was hard.  I think its also the psychological impact of getting use to not popping pills every 2 hours to handle the daily stress.  I am in a bad marriage & had to taper more aggressively when he wasn't around.  When he is around I still tapered but not as much. I would take the pills to make myself numb to the stress that my husband created.  he can be wonderful and charming but that stops on a dime if things don't go his way.  Can you try to keep things on an even keel while you are tapering & deal with his messes when you are stronger?
I found that the beginning and the end of the taper are the hardest times.  I had to keep things "nice" with my husband while I was doing this so I could get through it.  Keep the end in site & don't let him derail you! Good luck!

[cathy5841]

beth, take care of you, thats important now.  sorry yo are having to deal with so much at such a tough time in your life.  remember what doesnt kill you will make you stronger.  you are gonna be one strong person when this is all over.  keep venting itis good for you.
cathy

[mimi1313]

Beth, I'm so sorry. It's hard to be in a bad marriage and try to do your taper. Just try to hang in there until you're done with your taper. And then maybe you need to look at counseling for you and for your marriage. I hope your day(month, year) gets better.(:

[Marce4]

Just keep on working on yourself, and when you get yourself clean and your head is more clear, you can work on your marriage or get out with your child!  Just take care of you and keep working toward the prize of recovery!
Peace