Sink Time

[codean]

I haven't posted recently but I read the forum pretty much every day. I've managed to get to 20 days clean but for some weird reaosn, all that ime, I;ve kept a small amount of codeine available (around 450mg). I don;t know why I've fet the need to keep it avilable as I've been resolved for some time that I'm never taking it again. Ever. This whole quiting thing has been too difficult to ever consider going back. So I began to wonder why I was keeping it. I feel as though there were 2 aspects - the rather dangerous 'just in case' reason - I think this was my early ct thinking (as evidenced by a couple of slips). Since then that has kind of changed into a kid of a defiance - something about proving to myself that it was available but I am choosing not to - almost as though if it weren't available then I had no choice so my 'choice' was less valid. I don't know if that makes sense to anybody?

Anyhow, tonight, reading the forum I came to the conclusion that I'd proved whatever I needed to prove to myself and that frankly, keepng this stuff around was a) unnecesary and b) potentially dangerous. Taken me long enough to realise it!  So, it's down the sink. although it was kind of scary just to have it in my hand again, couldn't get rid of it quick enough. Very strange when such a short time ago I thought of it so differently...

So I guess this isn't really a question but because this feels like quite a big event, I just wanted to share it among people who might understand what it means -- and maybe to encourage somebody else to do the same. It's strangely freeing!

[codean]

Thanks for the support and kind words. If what I wrote helped anybody then that's the best thing.

[LoveMyKids1]

I can totally understand the need to have them there as a "just in case" only because after the physical withdraw the mental seems to be my weakness and breaking point.  But bc we as addicts tend to play these mental games with ourselves, it seems as though you have learned yours and how to beat them and that is a HUGE accomplishment and I am so proud (and a little envious) of you. That shows tremendous strength and willpower- you are doing great and by posting your story has given me strenth today.  I have hesitated posting only because I am embarrassed of yet another relapse but going to anyways.  I think we all need to hear success stories as well as the struggles people go through to get there- Thank you so much.

[dominosarah]

Good for you on getting rid of it......That shows some strength........sara

[katie252]

i think its easier to withdraw off of something when you have it in the cupboard as a safety vavle- so thats maybe why you kept it,pyshcologically its so much easir to withdraw by your own consent and even have the stuff right next to you rather than it being enforced on you and then it feels like you are thirsty in a desert with no water anywhere, when you didnt feel the need for th safety valve you threw it away- so it served its purpose and keeping it was actually an aid to helping you, its good you didnt hang on to it further than you needed to though.

[lboogie7729]

Good for you! I can relate and I understand that it is a big deal! Congrats!!! :-)

[sadmarebearseyes]

It is a very big event, you go and keep going and going and going!!!! Ha Ha. Very proud of u. That's about as close as it gets and u did it. WOW!! Congrads!! Best wishes to u. Wish i had half the strength you had right now. Treat yourself to something special because, u deserve it!! -Mary B.

[cathy5841]

good for yo.  i am glad you did that.  flushing pills is always a great feeling....keep up the good work.  you are doing great!!

[worried878]

yep!  agree...takes too jmuch nrg to keep our doc in our face at all times..like a torture chamber calling our name everytime we feel down and out...good 4 u..and keep posting