Last post until I've earned it..

[Kfred]

I've lingered in the group for awhile now... In and out of addiction to pills..  Seems I just can't do it.  I always cave.  This is somewhat of a unique post as I'm not in w/d and have some clean time.  I'm mentally stable enough to realize and admit that I can't stop.  When the pills come around again, I'll get them.  Period.  It's to the point where even after clean time, and taking 7,8,9 pills at once, they barely affect me... But I still go to them.  Despite a loving wife and three wonderful kids, I'm starting to feel the only way out is death.  I'm completely out of control.  I'm in counsling, meetings, this group, etc.  I went on Sub and abused that as well.. I was taking 20-30mg a day... Crazy I know.  It's gotten to the point of pure obsession, in my every waking thought, and I can't stand it.  Even as w/d once kept me in check, I've trained myself to know that it's very brief and not much concern.  I guess I'm hoping for one last little insight to my plight, one last tip to help me with this disease...

[worried878]

u know..some people take as many pills as some of us..and dont even care!  I mean..their problem is not even a problem to them..they go on in life not caring and eventually dying from their addiction..some r in too deep to care..others do not have the moal values to care...but u do care!  so u will always care as that is the type of person u r..it is what u r made of....some of us worry more than others...some people freak when they r at 40 mgs a day..others freak at 100 mgs a day..others dont freak til 200 mgs...and some just never freak out at all about it no matter how many they take....u worry i think..like i do...and sometimes worrying can be counterproductive if it is in excess...a certain amount is healthy but after that the worry/or stress/over the subject is not productive anymore..and then it becomes a negative rather than a positive re-inforcer in our lives....not really sure what i am trying to say or where i am going with this...i just know u r a good person..can feel it//if u were not a good person, u wouldnt be worried about all of the things u worry about ...so I do not believe u will never quit or that this will be ur last post...and I hope u dont prove me wrong!  I have read ur posts now for a long long time..and u aint giving this up yet...maybe having a negative day but that can also mean u r very close to being done with this and getting urself clean....getting to the point where u turn the stress into a strength that will help u get clean...cos ur mind is never gonna rest til u r clean!  

Laura

[mom_of_two136]

Just another thought, I do not know if you are religious but for me (I am catholic) going to church has really helped. I go to confession regularly and "talk" with God everyday and pray for strength and peace. Just some suggestions (do not mean to offend you if this is not your thing).
God Bless

[HelpinUtah]

You've received some excellent advice!  I can't add more other than to give you encouragement and let you know that YOU CAN DO THIS!  It's NOT EASY! You know that - but it's so WORTH it!  PLEASE listen to the posters above and do everything you can to stop this and get the help you need.  Find a therapist who can work with you who specializes in addiction.  You have been doing this for so long that it seems normal.  You have depleted your body of so much and now it just needs time to heal!  Please be patient with yourself - and DO NOT give up!  YOU ARE WORTH IT.  YOUR CHILDREN AND WIFE ARE WORTH IT!  You can do this!!!!

I agree that you should post daily and let others support you.  When you feel like giving in - post or pick up the phone and call a friend or a sponsor or someone who understands what you are going through.  Talk to your wife, a family member - somebody!  

I'm saying some extra prayers for you today and for your family!  
Hugs,
Janet

[tommm70]

First things first. this comment "'I'm starting to feel the only way out is death"
Please, please, call your counselor now and discuss this with him. A comment like this is serious, and even though it may be "passive". Many times the more passive thoughts we have, the more they become reality in our minds. SEEK help immediatly to at least talk about this.

Now, as far as the rest of your post....
In a way, what you are saying is a GOOD thing. You know this is never going to go completely away. If you go to meetings, you know that you can never "cure" this disease, but you can put it in remission and live a full and normal life.
You HAVE to think this way.
Addiction *****. None of us asked for this, as much as my Uncle did not ask for cancer, or anyone else who suffers in this world.

Look man, bottom line is this. You have a family that loves you unconditionally. Use this as a reason to arrest this thing!!! Our brains are powerful and addiction will consume it if we let it!!! Don't let it!!!!

Keep posting, and take it one day at a time. Every relapse can be used as a lesson in life.

Good luck to you!

[mom_of_two136]

I have been where you are. A year ago I took 100 tramadol. I thought I would be doing my family a favor. Luckly, the doctors saved my life. I will never forget the look on my husbands face when I woke up in the hospital. He said "Why?" He felt so hurt that I did not talk about this with him. You would probably be surprised at how supportive your family would be for you. Do not give up! Your children need their father. I now look back at what I did and I feel it was a selfish act. It would have traumatize my children FOREVER. Please do not do that to them. Look inside yourself for the strength that you have. You can do this for yourself and mostly for your children They need you. Everyone makes mistakes. Just because you have made some mistakes does not make you a bad father. It makes you human. You are not alone in this daily struggle. Post daily and find support. Everyday can get better!
God Bless

[cathy5841]

KFRED!!!!!   you can do this.  cut off every single source you have for pills...if they are street dealers tell them if they come back around you will call the police..they will avoid your calls....lol..if its family or friends they gotta go...if its drs..tell them the truth.  if we have an escape we use it...stop all escapes.....you know we are here to help you and support you, the bottom line is you have to do it...goingtomakeit  always says..you will get clean when your desire to be clean then your want to be high....how bad do you want it????

[Ella789]

If you can see it for what you said a "disease" then you will be okay!!  We all have it too, we deal with it everyday and then some.  You are not alone.   Life is good, don't give up on it!!  Everyone on these threads struggle, you are not alone.  You would break your family's heart over something that you can deal with,  so what, you're useing?!  Welcome to our world.  You are not weak, you suffer from low-self esteem or you wouldn't want to end it!!  Just live with it until you can work it out! okay! ?  Not a soul on here judges anyone else,  what works for some, doesn't for others.  You stay with us, posts and read the others' posts.   These feelings can be dealt with, and be worked out.  I take 120 mg of cymbalta a day, because it was just something I had to do to go on functioning in this world, and it worked!!  Get the help you need when ever you need it.   We will be here for you!!!!

[LADYDI4185]

Hi!  Please stop beating yourself up!  I know exactly how you feel!  I sometimes wonder if i will ever be clean. I am currently tapering off of 8-10 10mg hyrdo's and I am only down to 5 pills per day and i too think about it every minute of every day.  I have to say that is a normal feeling!  we are trying to stop something that has been a huge way of life, it will not happen overnight.  Hang in there I am here often if you need to talk!!  ladydi4185