Well, just thought I'd give you guys a little breath of fool-hardy stupidity.
My drug is Oxycodone (watson brand. Thumbs up for watson). 4 to 6 bills of 10/325's a day. I'm only prescribed 4 a day, and pick up 120 for the month. Well, I found myself doing too many and finding myself short before refill time. So, I asked my wife if she would hold them for me and divy out what I needed per day(4). For a couple of months things were working out fine. I even told her to only give me three a day because I wanted to try weaning. Well, I was too weak to wean so I started looking for where she hid them. Yep, I found them, and started being stupid. For the fear that she might be counting the remainder of what I have left I would go to the store and pick up a bottle of those generic headache pills. By diameter they are exactly the same as Watson Oxycodone, but just a little too thick. So, I would get a file and shave them down. Without the Watson imprint they look exactly the same. I only hoped that she wouldn't look at them so carefully. And so far she hasn't.
Well, you got it. I ate too many, too soon, and now I'm a week short and have to go through this hell again. This is the third time. Yea, yea, yea, you must think I'm some kind of idiot. Why would I eat so many and leave myself short? I think most of you know why. As a matter of fact, I would doubt that some of you have created worse deceptions.
Sometimes Cold Turkey has it's blessings. But I fear, once again, that as I get better I'll forget just how painful it really is. When you get better, the memory of the pain subsides and it's only too easy to self justify why I should do it again. So, it'll be another 7 days before I can pick up that next script. And when it comes I will challenge my strength again. I will replace the dummy pills with real ones, but with being 7 days clean I'm going to try once again to stay clean, or at least stay on the road to clean. Yes, even knowing where they are. Want to know the messed up part of it? She (my wife) tends to get some pretty serious migraines. Yep, I found hers too. And, yes again, I ate and replaced all of hers too with dummies. She has other drugs that she takes for her headaches, and more rarely goes for the percocets, but going into her till is just too messed up. It's obvious I'm ashamed, but the good faith that I have in my head is that I intend to replace what was taken and pray she doesn't go for any till next week when I reup.
I'm figuring that many of you will probably place judgment and think of me as some sort of creep and that I deserve the pain of withdrawals. Personally, I think that would be mean, but perhaps justified.
So, what's my question? There is no question. I've made my bed, and now I lay in it-in great pain on day 2. But I wanted to share what lengths pain pills will drive a man to go to when he feels desperate. It takes a stern decision to quit drugs in order to really quit. If I'm not there yet, I want to be there. Because chasing drugs is a dead mans path, ultimately. I know who I am. I'm a good man. A thoughtful man. And percocet has turned me into an ***-hole. This has to stop. Because if she finds out, she's too strong to take it lightly. We'll be through. And I would have turned into another statistic that has lost his marriage due to drugs. I don't want to be there.
Blessings to all you quitters out there. You're the best. And I'm grateful many of you are here.