Day 19 and I'm having a really rough time.

[thewaz]

Maybe it's the lack of sleep getting to me.  Yesterday was a productive, fun and good day.  But the sleep still eludes me.  I've been up all night.  My anxiety is through the roof.  When it's this bad, I take half a Xanax but I do not want to go there. I've done the treadmill (at 2 am), I've watered my entire garden (at 5 am in my pjs), I've written two huge reports for the meetings I'll be in most of today.  Yet my heart feels like it could jump out of my chest.  I know my BP is way up.  The tummy problems are back in full force and I'm out of Immodium (CVS soon).  And the truth of it is..if there was a pill  here to take, I'm feeling so weak I would probably take it.  Hence the reason we can't have ANY around us or available to us.  I know I'll get through today once I'm in "meeting mode".  But I'm so weak - mentally and physically.

Two years ago I landed in Vegas for a week long conference.  Didn't feel good and woke up that first night with a raging fever and never so sick in my life.  Seriously.  Two days later I was worse and my boss (who was also in town) called a doctor to the room because I couldn't even get out of bed.  Seems I had contracted the H1N1 virus.  I spent the next week quarntined in my room.  IN VEGAS no less.  No one was allowed in except the doc and there were even instructions on how to dispose of my linens, etc.  When I finally got the all clear to go home (over a week later) I never thought I would make it to the airport let alone the flight.  It took at least 10 days to get my strength back even though the symptoms were all gone.  It had destroyed me.  This is like that and I keep reminding myself this is really worse because I'm coming off an addiction and my body is not the least bit pleased.  Just need to get through today.   I will.  Tomorrow I see Magic Mary who will hypnotize me and calm me and then Friday, my doctor who had to cancel on me last week.  I would give anything right now for a good chunk of shut-eye.  I'll be gone most of today but I'm thinking about all of you. Holding you close to me.  so much love..waz

[Bones216]

Yes she is. She posted on my original post late in day two. She had explained we both had norco problems and that she attempted to post her story in the forum, but did it as a journal by mistake. I pleaded with her to post it in the forum section so hopefully yourself, waz, Dixie, Winn, and everyone else could help her. I was elated to see she posted and the responses were just like mine, amazing. Sorry to all of you for just offering up your services but you are wise, driven souls and together we will all be healthy recovering addicts for the rest of our days.
Big hugs all around
Joe

[Sonrissa]

Hey Bones! You golfed on day 4?? OMG! I was absolutely psycho on day 4! Well I did go to a picnic for about an hour! LOL good for you! So proud of your progress! You are amazing! Stay strong! By the way, SMJlost is also amazing!  What a plan she has, or he has! LOL

[Bones216]

Yes sorry for the confusion earlier about smjlost85, I've been out all afternoon and I see she posted. Hope all is well for you my friend.
I am doing really well with detox week from hell!!!!!!
Day four for me today and I golfed 18 holes, without the assistance of two or three norco, amazing. I really haven't thought about the pills much since day one,mainly because I don't have avenues for getting them and that is the way I have to keep it.
My fear is that going back to work next week, that was where I abused the most, so I am anxious.
Thanks for all the inspiration you are amazing
Joe

[thewaz]

I didn't really chew you out. Maybe chew you up a little.  But I hope you know I did it out of love and wanting this for you so badly. xoxoxoxo

[thewaz]

I got her! Thanks for the push.

[kyle505]

You are in the middle of the detox carnival...lots of rides, most are unexpected and some will make you queazy. As I progressed in my days clean, I was often surprised by a "bad" day that followed several good ones. But then I remembered, such is life, and that I hadn't really been participating for quite a while. The mental part of this will pop up whenever there's an opening, thus your wondering about taking a pill if one was available. As we've said many times, hang in there - it does get better. And sleep will come. Try not to stress (can't believe I just wrote that!)

[Sonrissa]

Bones! Do you mean the post from smjlost85??? If so, I just commented to her! I don't see anything from an smj26! Let me know, I want to make sure I covered it! Thanks!

[bb454]

I have been taking ambien for sleep..a 20 millogram pill only kept me asleep for 3 hours..amazing .

[KMK523]

I just read what you wrote and commented back!! Thanks for the love!!

[Bones216]

I am good, going through cabin fever sitting around. Not bad symptoms today, which is great considering it's day four. I see we are neighbors kind of, I'm a port Huron guy. Hang in ttheir you are doing great.
Going to outside to get some nice MI air.
If I can call on you please read the post from smj26? From earlier today. She is very similar to me, and needs your help, along with Dix, Sonrissa, induced etc...
You will sleep again I promise!!!!!!!!
joe

[thewaz]

I just commented on your post about that.  How awesome is THIS NEWS?  Crazy proud of you.

[KMK523]

Waz...glad to hear things are better today!! Proud if you!!! Since you were the first to chew me out about the pills being in the house I wanted you to know they are all GONE!!!! Don't know where and don't care!!! Thanks for the tough love :)

[thewaz]

busy busy work day yesterday.  Day by day.  Tomorrow is 3 weeks and I'm pretty danged proud. How are YOU?  Been thinking of you today.

[thewaz]

Read my post from Day 17.  That will fill you in on the sleeping or lack there of.  We will do this darlin!  I know this.

[Bones216]

Waz, nice to hear from ya, I was worried about you. Congrats on the 20 days, fantastic, and very proud of you. I understand the part of the brain not shutting down at night, so damn frustrating. Keep on fighting chickie, looking forward to day 21 tomorrow
Bones

[Sonrissa]

Waz, have you had a good nights sleep yet? Geeze 20 days! Yikes, I won't live 20 days with no sleep! I'm starting to really freak out about this!!

[Dixiechick72]

Omg woman!!! U sound just like me!!!  Lmbo!!!  Sorry but it did make me laugh at what idiots we can be with all this crap. We are self medicators!!! In everything lol. Hopefully better this time around with vitamins.  I'm finding my country music very soothing today. I'm enjoying it. I'm not getting too much into the words as we all know some country can be sad!!  
20!!!! DAYS!!!!  How friggin cool is that!!! Btw I'm still sitting on ur shoulder with my squirt gun;) too bad I can't knock u out to sleep!!!  U are doing so great. I'm so friggin proud of u!!!!!! Mad love!!!!!

[selfinduced]

Oh Dear Jesus, I can so relate especially in the early days of detox and if I had something important to do the next day....forget it. I'd play pharmacist half the night only to pass out and wake  up bumping into walls all day! Finally a sleep Dr. friend told me, you won't die from lack of sleep. Just wit it out and sleep will come....WELLLL, This Dr. has not seen me driving on I-95 after 3 nights of no sleep. Anyway, Your doing great! Love your quick wit btw. One foot in front of the other and before long, your going to be sleeping like a bay-be.

[Sonrissa]

Waz! So good to see you today! I can totally relate to this post! I was so very desperate for sleep last night that I WAY overmedicated myself! I took so much OTC stuff AND then after that didn't work, I finally took 2 Somas that I had from when I was in physical therapy! I hate Soma & never took it before cause it made me sick! But as I said I was desperate! Well, I finally passed out but I have no memory! This morning, I am so foggy & groggy! I don't even feel like I slept! But I guess I did, who knows! UGH! This sleep thing is a very tough nut to crack! Hope things are better for you today!

[thewaz]

WARNING:  Do not try this at home.  Leave self-medicating to the professionals.  First, I had medhelp W/D yesterday.  Good news it doesn't cause the trots but it does cause deep sadness and anxiety..

So once I got into work mode, I was fine.  Hours and hours of meetings.  Got home late and was honestly exhausted. Like some of my buddies on here, I too hit the vitamin aisle.  I got a jumbo bottle of Valerian Root and some OTC sleep aids.  I have been taking Ambien forever as a true insomniac pre W/D.  However I honestly believe it has stopped working and the only reason I used to sleep is there was so much crap in me, my body crashed.

So last night I take a long hot bubble bath with some new relaxing/aromatherapy bath salts I also picked up. I popped four Valerian got in the tub, lit the candles and poured a small glass of wine.  Got into my inviting sleep space (which means you're all invited for a sleep-over) and stared at the ceiling.  So I then took a Unisom. That would be a negative on sleep an hour later.  Ahhh..so Waz..let's pop an AMBIEN TOO.  Well that did it.  I slept for 7 straight hours and could have slept more if the dogs hadn't awakened me now used to me being up all night.  I was totally drugged and disoriented and almost passed out.  I couldn't get enough caffeine in me which, of course, set off the anxiety again.  I'm an idiot.

So I just got back from my hypnotherapist.  I haven't seen her in two weeks which were two very important weeks I should have but first I was too sick and then she was out of town.  We spent the whole hour in hypnosis with sleep and anxiety suggestions now implanted in my brain.  We dealt with the temptation urges too.  I'm very receptive to this stuff and will share the results tomorrow.  However I did walk away from the session energized (which she also told my body to feel) and relaxed.  No heart palpatations.  She also gave me a CD called Find Inner Peace which helps you self hypnotize yourself.  She suggested I listen to it before I sleep.  I'll also let you know how that goes and try to share this with all of you if I can figure out how.

All of you comments above held me strong through the day.  I have been taking tons of good vitamins since day one, I exercise every morning. At some point during my day I always spend a minimum of an hour in my gardens.  So I know I'm doing everything right.  It's just my brain isn't ready unless, apparently, I put 43 different kinds of sleep aids in me. GEEZ.

I kept checking on your posts all day. They held me strong.  I just wasn't in a position to respond.  Mad love to all of you.  I'll post on your latest adventures shortly.  Oh..and BTW...20 FREAKING DAYS.

[minn66]

Hi waz, I wasn't able to post much yesterday so I missed your thread :( I hope everything went well and that you are peacefully resting now.

Thinking of you,
Hugs,
Minn

[Sonrissa]

Waz!! I've been looking for your post all day and I guess I just kept missing it! Been thinking of you and hoping you were doing great! It's very late now but I hope your day went well! I'm so sorry you were struggling! The good news is that tomorrow will be a better day for sure! I had a fairly good day, perhaps the best one so far! I wish I could give you a big hug! I hope you know how much you mean to me and everyone here! I miss you so much when your not around sharing inspiration or making me smile and laugh! take good care my friend, and we shall see you soon!!

[MIkanik]

I hope you're taking some really good multi-vitamins and, if you're feeling major anxiety/depression/stress, then you should be taking a vit B supplement as well.  For sleep...a good full day out in the sun is AMAZING!!  I remember my first restful and wonderful night sleep....I'd spent a whole day at an outside charity event and soaking up all that good sun.  I slept like I'd never slept before and woke up feeling wonderful!  Just a few tips that worked for me.....maybe it might help you?  Keep it up...you rock!

[Dixiechick72]

:) I'm lucky to have him. Everytime I have a question or concern I go to him first. He always helps sooth me!!!! He's been through so much. So he really is a tough guy but he still has a big heart!!!