Time to reach out

[Lupi75]

Hi I'm a 39 year old single mother of two. I've been taking more than 5, less than 10-7.5 Vicodin for every day (give or take ) for about 13 years. I've tried to quit cold turkey several times but around day 3 I always cave and end up right where I started. I really want to quit, I have for YEARS! I remember saying" I need to quit, I can't bring this **** into my 30's" and here I am, about to turn 40 this year, still at square one. I did go to inpatient rehab in 2012 and was clean for about 4 months but relapsed. No follow up aftercare will do that to ya every time!
I took my last pill Monday and made it all the way till today (72 hours) and caved and took one. I literally felt like my insides were burning. I was at work ( I clean houses , pretty physically demanding ) and I was sooo physically ( and mentally) weak I couldn't stand it.
I think because I've been on theses things for so long, my brain is fried. I think it will take years for me to feel normal whatever that is cause I was 27 when I got hooked and I don't even remember who or what I was before the addiction. <- that's the fear! Right there! That's one of many fears I have that have keeps me sick ..never feeling normal again.
I've never tried a taper but tomorrow I'm gonna start taking 3 pills, 3 times and day for 2 weeks and then 2 pills for 2 weeks in then 1 pill cut in 1/2 for 2 weeks then jump. I' know I will still feel some withdrawl symptoms but I will treat them with OTC's , hot baths etc. I just can stop all at once, every time it drives me right back , full force. I also know I need to get on the horn and set up some out patient therapy . So please someone hold me to that!!  By Monday morning I need to have an appointment set up!!!  Anyways, reading these boards helps the most  and I will post and keep everybody updated on my progress  . Thank you

[mlajl]

Yes it is worth it.. but now, u understand addicts, and can give them the compassion they deserve... before we got ourselves into this mess, we where in able to understand and looked down our noses at them.. I sure don't know.. the why most people start is usually so innocent.. needed to keep up, get it done. It's a trap for sure.. I'm hoping guilt isn't knawing at u.. hang in there... day 7 for me was a mental battle. But this morning is much better for me.. physical symptoms of withdrawals I believe are a light eb and flow now.. we can do this :)

[Lupi75]

Day 5 feeling pretty ok. Yesterday I went to sigh  up for twice a week drug testing and it's expensive and humiliating having someone watch you pee and of corse I had performance anxiety and couldn't go but I finally did .  I can complain all I want but I got myself in this mess and I have face it like a woman and anything I have to go through to get my life back is worth it in the end.

[mlajl]

I'm on day 5.. and it's much better for me today.. u can do this.. I have never went through wd before. And wow! Are they bad! I feel desperately bad for u.. I finally got a good night's rest last night.. hopefully u will too soon..  could of just as easy been me in jail.. but I was lucky. Or not lucky. I'd have quits sooner for sure.. blessings come in all kinds of pakages.. I think yours had a badge instead of a bow.. I know melatonin will help u relax. I've taken two 5mg at a time..  it a small help, but it's some relief.. I also take half a xanax. But I haven't needed any today.. my headache finally let up today.. I sat around with a hot rice bag on my head looking like a weirdo lol but it helped.. makes a moist heat.. hang in there!

[Lupi75]

Thank you! My legs are kicking so bad right now. My whole body is hurting . Withdrawals are coming on strong. This is only day 2 and I know it will get worse before it gets better but I keep telling myself , im so lucky ! I'm home with kids. I'm curled up on my couch with hot chocolate and if it wasn't for my family and Gods grace I'd still be laying on a filthy mat in a holding cell with no blanket and no pillow and nasty stale *** sandwhich 3 times a day for food and no water and suffering 10 times worse.  I must never forget what I went through this weekend. This is not gonna be easy but I have the tools, the knowledge and the support to see it through. Jail or death, I've already done jail now and I don't want to die so it's now or never! Thanks again for all your support!

[mlajl]

I'm so glad you are looking to the positive.. remember that cops name, and when you are clean 6 months go track him down and tell him thank u for the heart attack! Let him know it was the kick u needed.. :)  I'm praying for u..

[Lupi75]

I have to tell you guys I got pulled over Saturday afternoon on a suspended license I didn't know about and the cop searched my purse and found 9 Vicodin and arrested me and I spent the weekend in jail. I just got home a few hours ago.  I've never been to jail. I've managed to out smart , fool, the police for years , talking my way out of ****** up situations I've gotten myself into in the 13 years I've been abusing pills. But my run was up Saturday , there's was no getting out of it , I was caught and whole world collapsed. Sunday morning they set my bond, and it was a lot. They also took my car and phone and it seized them and I have to pay 250 plus to get my car back. My poor family had to struggle to come up with the money to get me out. I was charged with pos. of a controlled substance, a felony here in Michigan. The first night I was there I was so angry, it was the cops fault , he was ann ******* , I told myself. The next day I was feeling sorry for myself saying, why did this happen to me? I'm trying to quit, to ween myself down this isn't fair. This morning I woke up again in jail and i was so exhausted and dehydrated and also in full blown withdrawals I thought I was gonna die. I didn't know if I was gonna get bailed out I was freaking out. But then something came over me , like a light came over me and I just had this feeling that even if I don't get out it's gonna be ok. I'm exactly where I deserve to be and I need to face it like a women. I felt like it was an act of God that brought me to that jail cell. How long could I go on like this? Would I really be able to ween of pills like I planned. Well God said no . And God has given be many many opportunities to quit on my own and I couldn't . And now he means business! It's now or never.  My got together and got me out and I realized also how many people I have in my corner. Fighting for me to be free from jail and free from addiction. I wasn't fooling anyone! They all knew! So now I have to deal with court , probation and drug testing twice a week. And I'm ok with it. It's the best thing that could happen to me. Going to jail this weekend  saved my life.