Time to take the plunge..

[tired_of_oxy]

Well I took my last quarter sub this morning and by tonight should really start feeling the wds. I've got my brother coming up tommorow to help with the kids so I'm verrrry relieved about that. I tried a couple weeks ago to go ct but having no help with my young ones made it pretty impossible. Glad and very grateful that I finally got help lined up. Since then I've been taking very small amounts of sub, hardly enough to keep me out of full blown wds so I'm hoping the two weeks I've spent feeling crappy pay off in that I won't get hit too bad but no matter what wds throw at me I'm feeling ok about it because I have help coming.

On one hand I'm nervous and even a bit scared but really I just wanna get this over with!!! I am going to do as many meetings as I can once I get through detox. I might even join AA because in my area there are far more AA meetings and I really could do 90 in 90. NA around here doesn't have that many meetings so at best I could only do 3 maybe 4 a week. I want to do 90 in 90 or very close to it because I know in my heart I'll NEED to. I've gotten through the worst wds imaginable before but like so many others it's the depression and anxiety that got me both other times I quit. I didn't seek aftercare those times and I hope by really throwing myself head first into recovery that will be what makes the difference this time. I have to face the issues that led me to self medicate and although it's going to be very painful and very uncomfortable I know it's neccessary to face those demons and get rid of them so they can't keep hurting me. I've carried around incredible pain inside for far too long and I have never learned how to truly let go of the past. Hopefully recovery will help me do just that. Because living the way I have is not an option anymore. I've lost enough to the stupid pills, almost lost my life too and enough is enough. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm willing to do what it takes to stay clean. I'm not kidding myself though, I know this is going to be very very hard. I'm glad to have you guys here because it will make the coming days, weeks, months etc easier to get through knowing there are people here I can talk to who know exactly what it's like to get off opiates. That's very reassuring. So here goes..

[faith_hope_love]

Hey tired, can you believe I just got home an hour ago and then now just sat down, man what a day!  I hate grocery shopping, the prices are so ridiculously high and the packages just keep getting smaller and smaller.  At least I got some exercise in since I had to walk around Walmart over and over because I could not find anything.

I really felt like God wanted you to hear the message behind my post about "common to man."  I have thought about sharing that story many times here but for some reason had yet to do it, but immediately when reading your previous posts I knew that I should share it with you.  Why?  Because God wants you to know that He is right there with you and He will see you through this.  It is amazing to me how God works, how those 3 words kept ringing in my ear when I felt like I was going insane with pain and sleeplessness and to pick up that little bible that has sat on that shelf for years for the first time and for that piece of paper to fall out of it with that scripture on it, was really amazing and it let me know that God was listening to me, to my every word, that He cares about me and wants the very best for me and also for you and for all of us.  
I know now why He didn't deliver me and take my suffering away that day.  It was because I needed to know how it felt if I were to ever comfort anyone else.  How could I ever be of any use if I could not empathize and have compassion for others in the same situation.  He takes what is meant for bad, for our destruction and He restores us and turns an ugly situation into a beautiful one.  

PS>  I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years due to rejection from my father, my exhusband almost strangled me to death years ago and I was raped when I was 11 years old.  I have slowly learned how to numb the pain over the years with pills and isolating myself.  I wasted 10 years of my life.  And none of the bad things that happened to me are my fault.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I am wonderfully and beautifully made by God who loves me regardless of my mistakes.  He loves me just as I am and no more will I hide or try to mask any bad feelings.  I will put them in the past where they belong and I will embrace my emotions.  If I need to cry, I will cry, If I need to scream, I will scream.   I have never told anyone except my mom and mybest friend about the rape but for some reason feel like it's time to share basically to let you know that whatever has you depressed and bound up inside, you have to give it to God and put it in the past so that you can start your future today full of hope and joy.  hugs! lyn

[tired_of_oxy]

Thanks gnarly, I really appreciate your support through this and yes, through God I also believe that all things are possible - including restoring a once hopeless addict like me to sanity again.

These wds are kicking my butt and I fear that it's really just beginning. I think the sub, even though I thought it wasn't hanging around in my system too long because I was only taking a quarter sub, well I think it did build up somewhat. I think my quarter sub hooked up with the one from the next day and so on and I think the reality is I'm detoxong off a lot more sub then I thought. Being that sub has a half life of what 36 hours? That means the last of it would have been leaving my system last night or this morning roughly so I think the next few days are going to be a real doozie. I'm really going to have to try and hang on here and know that it will get better, Thanks and please people keep posting to me, it really helps me more then you know.

[gnarly_1]

HEY Girl just checking up on you and want to encourage you to keep pushing threw
when I was at my worst I just kept saying...''all things are possible threw Christ Jesus''
I think I said it 100 times a day for a few days your going to get threw this remember the symptoms are only temporary and when its all said and done you wont be chained to a pill bottle any more...I will keep you in my prayers....when it gets bad pray with all  your heart
""we wrestle not ageist the flesh but ageist the principality of darkness'' there was never a truer statement made about withdrawals its a spiritual battle remember this one is one or lost in ones own mind keep your mind in the word of God and begin to know him as I do....as my deliverer good luck and God bless......Gnarly    

[tired_of_oxy]

Lyn THANK YOU!!!! I read your post over and over. I did miss it. I was bawling my eyes out and everything was a blur and I didn't see it before. It gave me such relief and I feel like at least someone out there cares enough to write to me. I'm feeling awful sorry for myself right now but I'm going to hang in there even though my negative thinking keeps harassing me. I will try to replace each negative thought with a positive one. Negative thinking is a real problem I have and in recovery I hope to really change that toxic thinking because no good can come from it. It's negative thinking that allowed my addiction to explode into what it is today. The wds are awfullllllllll. And I gotta keep focused on the "just for today" thing. I keep thinking about how will I have the strength to endure all the time its going to take to eventually become ok again. I'm overwhelming myself and thats not good!!

God will get me through what I need to face in the coming days. I'm going to beg him to take my pain, my weakness and my crazy thinking and lead me to a good life that I can be proud of. My dream is to get through this and really recover. I need to reinvent myself because even before the drugs I was in bad shape. I suffered bad from depression and anxiety and hope I can deal with the issues that led me to self medicate so that being clean doesn't feel like unbearable hell. I want to do this so bad but it's sooo hard!! But I'm going to try and just take it a day or at this time, a minute at a time. I have to really live in the moment and stop torturing myself with thoughts of how I'll cope with my crazy mind in the days to come. I regret becoming an addict but at the same time this might be the life changing event I needed to really change my thinking and get my life together for the first time ever.

Thank you again Lyn, I felt so alone and was really thinking about thowing in the towel a few times today but I keep reminding myself that pills aren't the answer to anything anymore. I feel so beyond repair at times though, I think sometimes I might be too far gone to ever be normal again. I;ve never been normal to begin with! But maybe with a LOT of help and recovery I can be a person who can live in their own skin and being sober might not feel like torture anymore to me.

[faith_hope_love]

Did you see my post above yours tired?  I know just how hard it is but it will pass and I believe in you..you can do this, just hang on and push through it.

Gotta run to the grocery store but will be back to check on you later.  hugs! lyn

[tired_of_oxy]

I think I better get to another meeting tonight. I really need some support and feel alone right now. Wish there was more people on....I know people work during the day but if anyone reads this please give me some encouragement. I'm frustrated and climbing the walls here...