Walking the plank, of shame...

[throwindatowl]

Ok. Long story short. I have 4 days clean today. I had over 30. I am ashamed. Its not my first time falling down. I did fall for a day or two but I got up. I got up and that says something. If your in the first few days of wd try and stay positive and things will get better in afew days. Ill take it one day at a time and you do the same. I know I have alot of hard work to do. I have not been doing what I need to. Sometimes I dont wanna quit, or maybe I just wanna use. Is it the same?

[IBKleen]

Welcome back! This is your 4th one here that I can remember. So, I will ask the question you probably dread....What are you going to do different this time?

[throwindatowl]

haha. You asked that question. I dont know... Going to see someone on a professional level. I need more help. Na is helping a great deal. I went from an everyday pill habit 3 months ago to having 80 out of 90 days clean. Its not perfect I know. Im making excuses now. What am I going to do different this time? Good question.

[gnarly_1]

HI welcome back sorry its under these terms....there is no need for shame the word you need to be looking at is change....you have to be willing to change the persons places and things that cause you to relapse...my conslor gave me a plack it says
'''I will not do the things that put me at risk'' I read that every time I go in the kitchen
you need to get serious about aftercare if its N/A or A/A going to the meeting is not enough you need to pick up a sponsor and work the steps...there are addiction therapist out there
but you need to plug in somewhere and put your sobriety number 1 in your life
I know you want this and I see you trying you just have to change a dew things for it to work
as always we will support you and point you in the right direction we all want to see you succeed......Gnarly  

[ang_811]

I was wondering about u and I'm glad to see ur posting...plz will u promise us u will get sum sort of aftercare? Find the thing that works for u and stick with it..I've been at this for 6 months and I had to fall twice n order see clear..I ve been seeing a counselor and it has Helped tremendously but the missing peice if the puzzle for me were the meetings... It helps to surround urself around people who don't use and understand ur struggles...Good luck to ya am we r all pulling for u.....Angie

[IBKleen]

Okay, well let's see what we got here---YOUR way isn't working and YOUR best thinking got you here, so how about you try something different? I see that the NA meeting once a week or a year didn't work, right? How about you try 90 meetings in 90 days?

When I first found the fellowship I went under extreme protest. I had done the jail thing a few times and had done the rehab thing a few times and none of that was working so good so I tried the 90 in 90. I didn't like it...at all. But I kept on going and the funny thing is that while I was going, I wasn't using. I started to listen and it wasn't so bad after all. Those folks were making sense. It took me some time to trust anyone and it took me a bit to get a sponsor and begin the steps but once I did, I found freedom.

I was just saying to someone yesterday that if you do something that is good for you and your recovery, and you are uncomfortable doing it at first, then it is a good thing. We become so comfortable in our drug life then when we are taken out of it and put into a "normal" situation, we don't know how to act. That is a good thing.

I want to see you make it. I think you are a good person and I think you have a lot to give. In order to do that you will have to trust someone or a group of people to help you. I hope you make that choice....

[Back2Me]

Hey at least you caught yourself! Are you having WD from your stumble?  Maybe they won't be bad.

[dede2121]

i suggest na/aa also. i went in there with my tail between my legs but i kept going and listening. it has kept me clean 33 days now. i dont speak at the meetings but i listen very closely. but you have to go everyday. i go even when i dont want to. like right now it is 4:15, meeting starts at 5:30 and i have hair dye in my hair. but i will hurry and shower and do my hair and go. why? because i have to. i dont want that pill taking life anymore. i dont have a sponsor yet but soon when i get more comfortable i will get one and start working the steps. until then i go everyday because it keeps me clean. and when i go in feeling bad i come out feeling much better.
i am telling you na/aa works. how? i dont know but it does.

big hug to you,
dede

[ang_811]

Well put IBK.....we only want what is best for ya...

After my last relapse I started going to the meetings and they were awkward but I'm still attending them and I'm not using! It was a real struggle for me to get back and I have met my obsticals this past month but when things n my life get stressful I hit up a meeting bc they always make me feel better and sumhow always get my head out of my a$$ even if I just sit there and listen...Plz give it a shot I think u might b surprised by what u find there.

[LeaAnn807]

Lea Ann loves IBK!!  

Throwin, welcome back honey. You have to do something different and you know it!  I want ya to have the life you deserve. And that is NOT one chained to a pill bottle.  We can't keep living that awful life. I went to NA under much protest as well. Also did some of the best rehabs that my parents could find to send me to. Never worked. I wasn't ready. You have to be or it won't work!  Ok?  Do I have to kick your butt?? ;-)

[Jaybay]

I think you're having a failure of more than just staying clean.  It's more like a failure of imagination.  You can't imagine life in all its good times and bad times without the pills, can you?  

Have you really thought about what you want your life to be and what it will look like when your addiction is under control?  What do you want it to be?  If it's still hanging out with the same old people and doing the same old thing while trying constantly not to use, it's not going to work.  Recovery is all about changing your entire life.  Try to look at it as an open invitation to opportunity rather than a sentence.  :-)

[throwindatowl]

I most certainly need a good butt kicking. I am wondering whats up with me. Ive been pretty down in the dumps due to a divorce and job situation. Im tired of being alone. Im learning how to cope and how to fail. Im pretty good at the failing thing. I seem to break down when Im sad. When I just dont care. I care 95% of the time. That 5% of the time is really messing things up. I need help with that 5%. Ill never give up on this fight. I look at as that. Its not gonna be a first round ko like I thought. I dont want it to be a twelve rounder either. I know, I have to do something different and I will. Sometimes, some days I question how much I really want it. That makes me sick!

[LeaAnn807]

Oh, I think it's pretty normal to question it.  When I have thoughts about using, I feel the same.  I'd say it's all the training we gave our brains for all those years!

You're gonna do this.  You just have to seek out some support.  Is there a therapist in your town?

[IBKleen]

If you didn't want it you wouldn't be here so I don't believe that for a minute. I believe you want it but I also believe that you still think you can get it by yourself. Until the day that you blindly fall backwards and trust that the person behind you will catch you, you will ride the merry-go-round from hell, because that is what you are doing right now.

Since you began posting here some two months ago, I have not once heard you say "I think I'll try that" or "Maybe that will work" or anything like that, to anyone. You post and tell us what you are going to do. Hate to tell ya honey, but it's not working for you. All sorts of suggestions have been made, especially during your divorce which had to be a very tough time for you, but you haven't tried one yet. My fear is that you are not done yet. That is really scary because there is always a chance that one time you won't make it back here. Yes, I hear you saying "That won't happen to me" but I have buried too many people who said those words so that is hard to hear.

If I seem a little rough on you, it is because I care and because that is how it was, and still is, given to me. If I want hand holding and a good round of "Kumbaya", I go to a girl's scout meeting. If I want to hang on to my recovery, I listen to the people who have what I want.

I will say an extra prayer for you tonight, it can't hurt. I am off to my home group and if possible, will get the group in on that prayer......

[throwindatowl]

Thankyou tramahater! I needed to see others question sobriety and its not just me. That makes me feel really good. Makes me not feel so alone. Not so weak. Ive been thinking alot about how and what I am going to do this time to make it. I do want it. I do. More meetings more support. I HAVE to get serious and real with myself or else. I have to or Im really up a creek. I HAVE to or Im a dead man. Sooner or later Ill be a dead man. Ill lose so much I wont have a reason to quit. Game over...I wont let it get there. I wont. I cant. My little girl needs me and I cant let her down. I pray to god it never goes there.

[ang_811]

Good for u...it sounds like u have ur big boy pants on ... : )..u know what u have to do so now go do it just for today...we have to learn how to cope with lifes issues without the drugs..we really don't have ne other option..in order to get over something is to go thru it..make sense? ...live & learn....keep us posted on how ur doing...Angie

[throwindatowl]

IBKLeen. Nobodys as hard on me as me.  No, I havent said "Maybe that will work" or "Ill try that" You are right. I havent. For the very reason youve stated. I think I can do it with minimal help. I was wrong-again.  Thanks for the prayer and I hope the group gets a chance to get in on it. As you can see, I need it.

[vicki595]

Hey there...time to bend over 'cuz you're about to get a butt kicking from ME!!

You got some great help here,with good suggestions. IBK said it all to you with the other kids as back up!  They are all right!!  

You're smart,you know what to do...just do it!!  The forum will always be here! You won't get dumped and no one is going to give up on you!  It's because we KNOW!

Please...I know you feel alone but you're not. Lonliness is a HUGE trigger along with a gazzilion others...you need to learn the tools(on your own) to deal with the BS! It's very simple but it takes...concentration.

If you had told me at any given time, in my career of addiction, that I would have any clean time at all,I would have laughed. I accepted the fact that I would be an addict forever!  Can you imagine?  I decided at one point to quit thinking about quitting!   I thought vitamins were a scam perpetrated by money grubbing...well anyway. I stopped liking food,I only liked pills,all day,everyday...it makes me a little sad to think about it.
I have almost 9 months of clean time. It will be nine years in no time!!  I will not give up.I will not go back. I have arrived and it's scary some days but it's okay!!  There is only one way I got here...I finally told the flippin' truth and got some help. I asked for help and received help and still do.   The worst day of my life was when I had to tell my Mother that her only daughter and oldest child was an addict. I wanted to die then and there.
I will never go back. It's my mantra...

You don't have to go back either. Just reach out. Get a support system going. Get back up support. You need to do it for you!  We all have a story and, truly, most of them are quite sad.  Everyday we all have to work on making good memories for ourselves. I'm so glad I did. How sad to have memories of only being high all the time...It's not good!

I'm glad you posted...good luck and keep reaching out..

Happy New Year!

[Back2Me]

So are you in withdrawals again or did you catch it?  If so you are lucky. Get to some meetings!

[throwindatowl]

Back2Me.

No wds now. I felt pretty tired for a day and alittle sweaty but thats all. Thank God!!! Ill  be getting to meetings trust me.  Im so stupid. When you hear ones never enough. I took that literally. So I took one and then none for almost two weeks. Then I took one another night then good for about 2 weeks. Then, Oh then, I understand what ones never enough is about now. I took one, one day. Then two the  next then good for 2 days. Then 2 or 3 one day. 3 or 4 the next, then 4 the next. The trap got me. I quit after that. I understand that saying now. One is never enough. That goes for me too. I got it. Im hard headed and always need to see for myself.

[CATUF]

"Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job — wife or no wife — we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.

"Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house."

AA's Big Book, p. 98

CATUF
2032

[IBKleen]

The saying is "One is too many and a thousand is never enough" but you are getting the idea.

I thought about you tonight at the meeting. I chose my home group some time back because they are steep in tradition. I imagine it is what it must have been like in the 50's with Jimmy K as the chair person. One thing that we do to maintain that is to keep an empty chair in the room for the addict who has not found his way yet. That chair was for you tonight.

[vicki595]

Sweet...

[LeaAnn807]

Wow!!!!!  

[Back2Me]

Well don't beat yourself up. At least you didnt fall into the abyss. At least you stopped it soon enough. We all do it. Just like everyone said get help. You are not stupid, just an addict.