so hard

[lovie67]

I've been lurking on this site for some time,don't have a computer @ home.I get it on my phone..I'm addicted to pain killers of any kind.I want to stop so bad but hate hate hate the leg moving creeping crawlings.My story is not new or unique.Stay @ home mom of 2 beautiful girls,but can't stop.Tried so many times yet don't make it past 2 or 3 days. It all started as dental work and my love affair began.I have an unlimted supply of anything I want due to a kind old man who I buy them from.Makes it worse is he fronts them to me as well.At first it was great ,having no money @ the time and paying weekly, it so mind boogling how much I have given this man and how much I owe,My lowest point was while camping with my girls I cut it short just to get home cause my *candy* came in..I so hate what it's done to me ,only a few ppl even know I do them..I've tried the thomas way but no benzo.I just want to feel normal again and not be a slave to them.My dose is fairly low compared to what I've read.6 pills a day.But hard none the less.My husband would kill me if he ever found out how much I've spent.Please pray for me and give me hope..This site is so much easier to read when I'm dosed...

[hydrofoiled]

we all done it...stopped what were doin and run for the candyman!! than everything will be alright again.....RIGHT?.....WRONG....you have to decide you want to stop the madness...willingly  or someday by force  when the supply runs out or you have to leave the area for a while..not to mention the $$ wasted just go through it now get it over and you wont have to do it again.take the journey with us.yell out like braveheart..FREEDOM!!!

[moonshyne777]

If you hang in there it does get easier. I went ct last June and had two babies to care for while I detoxed. I told my grandmother what was going on and she came and stayed for a week. The first few days were hell, I thought I was going to cave but I hung in there and sure enough come day 5 I started to feel a little better, then day 6 a little more better and by the time I reached 10 days I finally began to feel a little more normal. It was rough but I made it almost 2 months but then made the huge mistake of convincing myself I had it under control and could take them as prescribed. Boy was I wrong.

Fast forward to today and I am back at square one. I am going ct Monday and once again grandma is coming up for about a week to help me through the worst of it. You would probably be surprised if you told your husband. He might be upset at first but would no doubt want to help you fight this. I know you said 6 pills but what strength? Is it oxy?

You CAN do this and you need to. For those beautiful girls and for yourself and the bright future that lies ahead if your ready to fight for your life. This forum is an amazing place and you will get tons of support here. Get a plan together. Pick a quit date, tell your dealer what your doing and if he cares one iota about you he will understand and not sell you any more pills. But its gotta be your determination. Do the Thomas recipe and try and get some xanax or valium to help you through the early days. Just make sure you stop taking them after the first week or so, don't wanna trade one addiction for another right? I think you need to confide in someone who can help support you through this. Or at the very least if you can ask a close friend to come and stay with you if possible and say your just not feeling well.

I think you should tell your husband though, once he knows he will be able to support you through it. You didn't choose this, nobody would ever choose to become addicted to these things. And the fact your here says that you want to change your life. If your willing to give it another shot there is a lot of support here but you need to come up with a battle plan. After care is very important. I never got any last time and this time around I plan on getting to some NA meetings and posting here A LOT in the days and months and even years to come.

YOU CAN DO THIS! you know you can't go on like this anymore and if your truly ready to change then change will come. We're in a fight for our lives, those evil pills have been controlling us and making us slaves to addiction but we can change that. I was already fully motivated to quit but yesterday when I had to hand over 400 dollars for a pill debt I incurred last month I felt sick and so guilty and ashamed of myself. Now I am sitting here with 30 dollars in my account and have bills to pay that I cannot pay now. I have truly hit bottom and starting Monday I will begin the fight for my life and you can too. Keep posting and we will be here for you.

[ThisIsIt983]

Hello & welcome,

You made the right decision by posting on this forum. The amount of love & support you will get from so many that have walked in your shoes is mind boggling. I am currently tapering down from a 350 - 400 mgs doctor prescribed oxy addiction. Started taking them due to chronic pain i have had most of my life but did not use. When i had my surgeries on my back is when i was prescribed the oxy. In the beginning they worked great. No pain, lots of energy but eventually they will turn on you. You need more & more so you get your dose upped until they can't up them no more. Yet i would still run out.

I had a man that had an endless supply to go to. He was dr prescribed but didn't take any. And he fronted also. I ended that relationship a couple of months ago. I am a happily married woman & he knows that. Yet even after all the money i spent, a fortune to his greedy a** one day he put some pills on the desk in his office & wanted me to sit on his lap so he could touch my body. Well I flipped out & called him some choice words & that was the end of that or so i thought. He just recently started texting me again. Always wanted to buy me clothes or pay for a mani & a pedi. He could never understand the reason i was so broke was because every cent of extra money was going into his pocket.

You are not on an extremely high level yet. If you continue it will get highe,r no pun intended. There is a recipe at the top of the health pages called The Thomas Recipe that many swear by. Many on here have quit cold turkey. It is very hard to do but you cant die from it. If i were you i would tell my husband what has been going on & if you just can't quit c/t then maybe he could hold your pills & dole them out to you. If you do the c/t route it will be 5 days of hell. But the 3rd & 4th days are the worst & by the 5th day you are feeling much better.It is just like a bad case of the flu. I am also at the point of just jumping off cause i feel this is endless. When i get down to about 30 mgs i will probably just cold turkey. No matter what way you do it whether it is tapering or c/t you will still have some pain. I w/d a little every time i bring myself down a few mgs.

Good Luck & God Bless

[freedom007]

I hit rock bottom when I left the birth of my second child (30 minutes after) to score.  Didn't really hit me until I quit...what a f***ed up thing that was.  I can't have that day back...BUT, I can have every day from here on out to shower that kid with all the love I have.  In the end...I win...the pills lose.  Don't lament the past...but learn from it.

I have spent THOUSANDS on pills...probably more than I will ever want to know...but, again...I have the rest of my life to spend money on things that matter...

Get angry and get clean.  You can do it...but YOU HAVE TO WANT IT!!

[Calamity2]

Nope this site is not easier to read when you are dosed.  We tell ourselves we are better at things like socializing, housework, work, mothering, etc etc etc   It's a lie. Life is much easier when you are not dosed believe me. Camping is easier for sure.  
I know about the guilt about the money. If I were you I would not pay for any of the pills you already owe for either. I would beep my answer machine or something if he called looking for it. Tell him you lost so much already he should be grateful for what he already got from you. F------ vampires!!!  Sorry .   I really do love God but sometimes I just want to hate some people.  
Dont lurk. If you can afford the pills I'm sure you can find a cheap used computer with a dial up connection like I have .  I pay 14$ a month for mine.
I lost much of 8 years with my family I can never get the time back that I spent chasing the pills. All the trips I could have paid for , for my mom to visit her grandson. Or just the money to make it alittle easier on my husband. He is soooo clueless.  Think of Radar on the show Mash. thats him.  But cuter. Im praying for you right now lovie.