am i being selfish...or normal?

[Britney83]

So A frew weeks ago docs found a tumore in my left breast and that they feel thit has spread into my bloodstreem.  I am only 24 with a 8 month old baby.  My fiance found out and seemed worried.  He's still in medical school and this weekend had the opportunity to go on a business meetting type retreat thing in chicago.  I checked his phone last night and he was talking through texting to a girl from his class about whether he should stay with me or not.  She said that he should and that given that it' could be my last valentines day and my state of mind that he shouild be there.  So last night he asks me , do you want me to stay? I was like  huh? are u adcutally going to ask me that? I"m not gonna say yes becuase i know he wants to go. And i feel like the only reason he asked was that  he knew id say no so that when peoeple ask, "why didn't you stay with her" he can say, "i offered."  Does this make sense?  I dunno..if the roles were reversed and it was him depressed and that sick i wouldn't even give it a second thought...nor would i have asked...he MUST know that i want him here during this....if it was mandatory it would be different...but i talked to his girlfriend and shes' the head of the whole thing and said he can stay if he'd like and they won't hold it against him.  IT's like a class student council type thing i guess you could say, but for medical students and he's part of it.  anyhow, if it were him, i would stay for sure.  he even gave me some of his ambien which as all of you know was freaking about nyquil on the last post i wrote...anyway...i'm depressed...i wasw hoping i'd wake up this morning and see that he had worn his scrubs which would mean he went off to school.. but the scrubs are there, the suite is gone.  he left me a card and some cash...ths valentines day sucks

[Britney83]

THank you.  It's really nice to heave someone to talk to.  even though i'm not currently addicted to anything, this is where i came when i was and it's very therapeutic.  He does know how i feel.  He's the one who made the 'decision' to go.  It just hurts. that's all.  I guess i was half hoping theres no where hed rather be on this day but supporting me. Friday i found out how badly the cancer had spread and what my ooptions are.    I'm thinking about moving back to seattle.  I moved out to PA becuase he's in med school here and he wanted us here. but i feel like a nanny, mistress, maid, and that's about it.  Nothing more and nothing less.  I'm ALWAYS alone.......ANd not to be rude but a lot of his friends are really snooty becuase they're all either in med school or law school..I mean i'll go out with them....but sometimes they are so superficial....and talk about things that really don't matter to me.  i'm not downtalking them, i'm just lonely i guess.  ANd the bad thing is that lately i have really been contemplating having an  affair...i watched a movie called little children and in it it has kate winslet and a man who are both married to other people and unhappy, and they start an affari....and i feel so sinful even thinking it but it was SO refreshing...she was all giddy and excited to see him at the kiddy pool every day..she had something to look forward to.  And i sometimes wonder....I am a pretty good looking girl....intelligent, fit, tan, ...? why not me...? this is so wrng..........i defintalely need help..

[CleandUP]

I'm sorry to hear this. No one likes to be alone on Valentines Day, especially in a situation like this. He should know this. Is there anyway that you let him know you wanted him to stay?? Today is not only valentines for me but is my one-year anniversary w/my g/f. We are both very busy today with work and classes but we are celebrating tomorrow. Hang in there, everything will be ok. Until he gets back, try to keep busy and your mind off it because this will just make you more depressed. Work out, read a book, etc. and when he does return let him know how you feel. If he really loves you and is sorry about the situation he will make it up to you. Hope this advice helps!