1319167 tn?1278213669

feeling good

I guess I did not do this posting thing very well guys...sorry.  I have now learned that I should have stuck with one thread and then my story would have read like a journal.  However...I am on day 19 of a 3 year vicodin addiction.  I began to see what it was doing to my family..my kids.  I could see that most of my problems had this addiction entwined somehow.  Financially~you can only imagine the ruins..I thought that this drug was making me the super mom to my 5 kids but looking back ...really..who bakes muffins at midnight?  I could not function without these little yellow devils.  Every outing was scheduled around having enough pills.  If I drove 2 hours to an event we had planned for months and realized I forgot the devils I would have to drive all the way home.  We would only be able to stay for the lenght of time I had enough pills for.  I actually stopped wanting to do fun things with my kids..The only thing I would find enjoyment out of was taking vicodin.  I tried for about a year to end this madness but looking back I really did not want it yet.  I am not sure what has made this time different but I have done it and will continue this AWESOME way of life.  During the past 19 days I did break down on day 1 and 3 and took one however I do not think that makes me a failure.  I did not beat myself up about it.  I realized it took me a long time to create this mess..I am going to do what it takes to fix this without any help from any Dr to tell me that I had to take "this" drug to fix what vicodin has done to me.  Now for the mental part I am still not out of the woods.  But I am sure I was not trusting the medical field to fix this for me with another medication.
When I started this cold turkey idea I was scared ********!!  I knew this was not going to be pretty and I was in for some tough days..but I have been blessed with this healthy body that now has a demon But I knew I could get through it.  Mother nature and the GOOD LORD is more powerful than this drug or this addiction.  I was turning my body over to Mother Nature and my mind over to the higher power.  I know that sounds really crazy I am not a super religeous person~somethings just are not that complicated.  
Yesterday I took my kids to a State Park in which we had a fantastic time.  We drove with the windows down and the music was blasting~something I would have never done while on the pills.  (I do not know why but while high I could not handle alot of noise)  We stayed at the park until we were ALL ready to go home..not just mom.  We sat and ate ice cream and watched all the crazy people. Another thing I could have never allowed myself to do was sit and waist time.  Which really isnt waisting time at all...I was spending time mentally and whole heartedly with my kids.
Now I will admit I have a long road ahead..  My house need some work..I have not washed the floors in about 10 days..something that was unheard of in the past.  I know I will be at peace more mentally once I do get back on a schedule.  But it will be a scheduled that is true and not dependant on unnatural substance.
I am not very happy or proud of the risks I have taken during these past years.  When I first started this last 19 days I read something that somebodyon here wrote about the energy the pills gave him was fake.  I looked forward to that phrase taking meaning in my own life.  I am here to tell you that it has and I now know that same fact.  The energy you have naturally is worth every painful day..every minute you have to sit on the pot..every minute you spend looking at the ceiling praying for just a few hours of sleep..every tear you cry..every jerk your legs makes.. I am thankful for MANY things!  Thank You to everybody that has given me the advice and support that has helped me reach day 19!!  
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1319167 tn?1278213669
Thank You for the Kudos and the aftercare push.  I do know I have to get into some program just the first step is very intimidating..I really do not know why it scares me as much as it does.  Maybe I do not want to hear it come out of my mouth..maybe I do not want to admit it outloud?  
I remember that 10 days was a great turning point for me...everyday thereafter gets only better physically and mentally.  Everyday I feel the courage getting stronger to be able to say No but still am VERY aware that I have an extreme weakness if the opportunity presented itself "just right".  Deep down inside I still secretly wish that I will be able to take just one and still be able to control that being it.  I smoked for a while and finally quit after about14 years.  I was pissed at my husband so I smoked "to show him"  That was all it took..I was agien a smoker for about a year.  Picked up right where I left off.  I do understand the power of addiction somewhat.  I have trouble thinking about going to a group and focusing on the addiction...I would rather focus on the healing and learning to live life without.  It is sometimes hard to come on this site and read about other peoples stories becasue it just reminds me of mine however I do feel like I have an obligation to this site with the help it has given me..I enjoy giving back or forward which ever way you look at it.  
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Avatar universal
WOW is all I can say, I felt like I wrote that post.  Everything you said, is everything I felt and did while on that pill, especially counting out the pills to have enough for any event that was taking place! I am 11 days off going c/t and I have never been through such a bad time.  Today I actually feel myself getting better and look forward to the rest of my life without the so called devil!  KUDOS to you and Heres to another day under our belts...One day at a time is how I am going to live and enjoy every minute!
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736475 tn?1281259327
aftercare, aftercare aftercare! having a plan in place for the future with regard to your addiction is vital. just "not using" is not recovering. the demon is doing push-ups waiting for you to become complacent. don't think for a minute that it's over. we don't win the war. it is ongoing. forget that at your peril. peace, sway
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