can't believe its true!

[Kuckma]

Right now in my head all it am thinking:keep it together KEEP IT THE H*** TOGETHER!!!!!!!
Its true I am an addict. I started reading this site last night. After I had ran out of Norco.
All I take is 2 a day. When I knew last night that I can not take more to get rid of the pain at night.I freaked out!!!
Anxiity all night, my whole body is hurting, my muscles are spazing.
And I do not want to kids to talk to me. Keep it together its not there fault wait till there gone off to school with a smile then go cry.
I am a mother of three with a good job, a good family life, but no one knows..........I think
As I am reading on this site some family members knew without someone saying.
I can not think.....I am an addict......wow
I had to call out work, this will look bad on me!
What in the world am I gona do, this is so bad I never thought this could ever happen to me

[duluthguy]

I just want to add what my doctor told me, it is not your fault! That pill is so deceiving and sneaky! Good plan to have your hubby on board, it is almost impossible to quit and stay away from this alone! I know you will quit, just keep us posted! God bless!

[duluthguy]

I just want to add what my doctor told me, it is not your fault! That pill is so deceiving and sneaky! Good plan to have your hubby on board, it is almost impossible to quit and stay away from this alone! I know you will quit, just keep us posted! God bless!

[quitinoxys]

Kuckma, I am glad to hear you our making a plan to go CT. Are you going to do it with your doctors supervision or just go it with you and your husband? I don't know if anyone has told you but there are some remedies that will help some with w/d. They are the Thomas Recipe and the Amino Acid Protocol and can be found on the health page. They helped me going through w/d and might help you. Also drink plenty of fluids juices and water to flush your system. Make sure you get plenty of vitamins B6, B12, C, D, potassium and magnesium. Krill oil helps with blood pressure and chamomile tea helps with sleep. I hope these things help you out when you plan on taking the plunge. Aslo I noticed you said you were a gov't worker so I understand why you don't want to tell your employer as I know they won't understand. I too work for the gov't and know how big a deal they make about things like this so I won't worry about them. I would just take your tiem off and tell them you have the flu. I wish you luck with your CT and w/d and I will be praying for you. I know you will make through to the other side. God Bless---Rick

[gnarly_1]

Hey......sorry to here you dident make it the first time around some times it takes a few trys to get it to stick....tapering requires a lot of discipline I tapered off methadone for 8 1/2 mo
it was a grind to say the least....if you really want to succeed have your hubby hold the pills
and only give you what is required for the taper.....you must not yo/yo your dose up and down because you feel the withdrawals they will be milder then C/Ting but you will notice them and the process takes longer so your uncomfortable for more days then you would be C/Ting off its kinda a double edged sword ...I wish there was a ''get out of jail free card'' but theirs not at best you can do damage control I wish you the best of luck let us know what your doctor says as far as the taper goes if you need one I can tighten you up with a good one keep posting for support we all want to see you succeed ......Gnarly  

[Kuckma]

So here I am a day after his ordeal, I still felt the "aftershock" all day long.
I was so not ready for what happened to me yesterday.

I had no freaking clue that I am poisoning my body in this way.

The withdraw symptoms where so unbelievably harsh. I thought I was gona loose my mind. Like two superstong forces where pulling on both of my legs, and my whole body felt like I have a full blown flu.
If this whole taper off is not gona work for me, we decided, we are going to plan for a cold turkey, But really plan for it.
Get rid of the kids for a few days and take off a week.
Have the hot tub ready so I can soak if I need too, and in between just sleeping and just taking it easy.

I am so aware of my situation now, I am an addict. Every time I take a pill I feel ashamed and guilty ( I think that is good that way).

Thank you so much for all of the comments, I am doing ok now,
I am a active addict not proud of it but I can admit it now.
Not that I am going to tell someone (not to forget that I would loose my job ASAP)
But I am planing to do something about this soon. This right now is just a quick fix.
And needs to end very soon.

[quitinoxys]

Kuckma if you are going to taper you need to set up a plan with your doctor and let your husband give you a pill on schedule. You should try to take only what you need to keep you from w/d.  So I would start at one a 1/2 a day and if you feel w/d symptoms take the other half. This way you will be able to taper faster. Since you were only taking a couple a day you should be able to get away with doing that way. Please don't feel like a failure alot of people here started on opites for legit pain reasons and wound up addicted, I am one of those people. I am praying for you and God to protect you and your family through this rough time. I know you can make it through as you sound like a strong woman. God Bless---Rick

[NearlyInsane]

I think it's gonna work out fine for you.  Like you said, your attitude about the pills has changed, & as long as you don't let yourself even THINK about taking them for the warm fuzzies again, let your hubby dole them out to you, hopefully you won't have much withdrawal at all when you get off of 'em again.  You shouldn't have to taper too long either - can probably start at 1 a day since you've been off 'em for a couple days.  

I'm glad your hubby knows & is supportive.  Take care!

[quietllythinking]

I think your hubby was incredibly supportive. I know telling mine made a difference for me, only I didn't tell him until I was through the worst of it. I didn't know he had kicked an oxy habit (that he developed after a head on collision before we met), so all along he would have understood. He told me he had the utmost respect for me going cold turkey as he definitly had to taper. Funny thing is, I didnt look at his addiction any differently than mine. My advise to you is to have your hubby dispense your meds for you. I tried a taper. It DID NOT work for me as I kept taking more than I had planned for the day. Not saying that would be you, but if he is willing (sounds like he is),that might be the way to go. Best of luck to you though.

[dede2121]

i was afraid to tell my doctor but i did. and he was pretty much understanding. although no more refills.
dont be afraid to go to your doc. remember you pay him. that is what he is there for. if you really want to do this i recommend telling your doc and your family. that i think was the turning point for me, tel ling my family. although they suspected anyway.
today is day 6 for me and i still think about them everyday but my will to stay clean seems to be a little stronger now than the want to take pills.
you can do this. i know tapering may work for some people but i think it is just prolonging the inevitable.
good luck to you. dede

[pillfree21]

As hard as it is to look on the positive side of things, the fact that you are early in your addiction and your tolerance is not as high as many of us others will most definitely work in your favor when you decide to really start fighting off this thing.  This is a very crafty situation that could linger on for years and before you know it you could be in a more serious predicament...it can only get worse as long as you continue to take opiates with reason.  I wish you the best and there is a lot of great info and advice on this site.

[Storme]

I'm sorry you went back to the pills today. I am addicted tot hem as well but I went cold turkey 5 months ago today. It was hard. I won't lie about that but I did it and i know you can too. I am so glad you told your husband and you will be talking to your doctor. It was my doctor and an ER doctor who made me go cold turkey. I honestly think you should toss that refill out and take the leap and get it over with. I don't have personal experience with a taper plan though and perhaps that is the right way for you to go. Either way, I am here for you as we all are and we will help you get through this!

xoxo Teresa~

[Kuckma]

what the He** happened?

I failed, yes I failed you all!

Everything I went through today, I flushed down the toilet like a piece of S***!

This is what happened....
I had spent all afternoon crying in my bed, using the heating pad to stay warm, covered with two blankets, still shivering.
When the kids got home, I told the oldest to help with homework and start dinner. Then hubby came home and found me like this.......
He was ready to take me to the urgent care, but I told I did not need to go, I am sure they would have figured out that I am withdrawing. So a big NO on that on...
Thats how I spent a few more hours, the pain was just unbelievable, then when I posted here about three hours ago, hubby walked in on me, I am closing the laptop fast....
' Baby, what are you hiding, let me see, we do not have secrets, remember...?'
By that time I was so run down, out of my mind.....I confessed it all....all of it.
I was so so freaking scared he was guna just walk out, Hubby is a EMT and deals with this stuff all the time. I just KNEW he is guna let me have it.
Boy was I wrong, he was pissed at first, but mostly because I did not talk to him earlier. HE was the one who went to the pharmacy and filled the prescription.
This is what he said ' We all have some kind of addiction if it is Nicotine, coffee, Sex or even food. Some of them are more harmful then others.' He told me that we should come up with a plan
between the Dr and Hubby to maybe taper off slowly and not go cold turkey, we are going to wait till I have a treatment plan and a diagnosis from the doctor, to get rid of the muscle cramps.
I was crying the whole time, so was he....gawd I love him so much!

Anyway here is the interesting part, when he brought back the pills,I noticed my 'relationship' between them has changed. After going through hell today, there are evil for me. I did not have the fuzzy warm feeling anymore towards them. So something changed

So anyway, yes, I have failed, and we all know, I have to do it soon again.....
but let me tell you this....I can not think of a better 'family' that I want to share my taper off with, and get support from, then you! What a loving and supporting group you all are. I am still in aahhh, Im going to sleep now its close to midnight, 05:00 is coming too soon, now I know I can go to work tomorrow.

To Nicole: I need you to send that Memo about no personal contact after duty hours out to all of my people ASAP.  Cause by God they called me twice today, I feel like I really wanna go AWOL. lol. like the world stops turning when I take one sick leave day....gotta love them....

[dominosarah]

I hope you are getting some sleep tonight.  Let us know how you are in the morning.

[Nicole1105]

I, too, am very familiar with your story. I broke down and told Wifey and my wonderful, caring GP Dr. N after my 1st therapy session 2 weeks ago. I walked in to the appointment thinking I'd tell my therapist *some* stuff, but not all of it. I wound up confessing everything to her (how I bought pills off the street, how I wasn't weaning off like Dr. N thought I was).

I cried all the way home from the therapist, and cried in Wifey's arms before I told her. I was scared to death: scared that people wouldn't be supportive, scared that Wifey would leave me and Dr. N would kick me out of his practice, etc. None of that happened! First of all, yes Wifey already knew. This shocked the he!! out of me at 1st, but when I really thought about it, it made sense. Money kept disappearing, I kept "running errands" (meeting the dealer) all by myself, I was out of it all the time...in reality, she would have had to have been either pretty stupid or really inattentive in order for this to have been a surprise.  

Wifey said she has unconditional love for me and that she'd get me through this. She had an appointment with Dr. N that day but gave it up so that I could talk to him right away. Dr. N was understanding and simply said, "It's the chemicals, it's not you." They both told me no when I kept repeating that I was a failure. We all came up with a plan to taper me off of the MS Contin and the Oxycodone, this time with Wifey in control of my pills so that I did not cheat.

It's going well so far. It's not a piece of cake but it will be worth it! I was so sick and tired of living the pill head life. It feels so good to relax and be myself without having to worry about getting my next fix, not being able to pay my bills because I blew my whole paycheck on pills, etc.

You CAN do this! You are stronger than you ever imagined. Do it for your family, for your kids, for yourself. Like you, I work for the Government and I can tell you that my job definitely suffered because of my addiction. (Side note: I am surprised to read that they called you to see if you were coming in tomorrow. I thought it was a rule that they couldn't contact you at all, even if you go AWOL.) We are all here for you.  

[quietllythinking]

Hello, your story rang a bell with me. I hope you will believe me when i say I DO understand. Like you, I am a mom with 3 kids and I work for the freaking police department of all places (don't worry everyone, I am not a cop :)  ). This just couldnt be me. Addicts don't have jobs, bake cookies, make dinner, etc etc..right? WRONG. NO ONE would ever believe that I am an addict, but I am. 10 days clean today and it has been a struggle mentally, I plan on finding some kind of meeting by this weekend, (enough people have told me thats they way to be successful), I think all along my idea of what an addict is has been wrong. Anyone can be an addict and though it is a hard thing to admit to yourself, you have to get past that and decide what is important to you. I admit I log onto this site several times a day to read the stories, because those damn little pills are still calling my name. Cancel that refill and hang on. The first 3-4 days were the worst for me, but I just kept moving and it really did help. Not saying I am out of the woods, but I feel better than I have in several months.

[missa66]

Your story brought me to tears it's so much like mine. I started taking them after I had a bunch of dental work done and Doc was giving them to me for braces pain. Then I was getting sick so I was taking hydrocodone cough meds ALL THE TIME!! Didn't relize I was getting sick because I would stop taking it and withdrawal would start. 6 months into it the pharmacy wouldn't refill my cough meds because I just got a bottle of pills and cough meds at another pharmacy. I remember walking out of the pharmacy and thinking Oh Sh*T!!! What am I going to do. I had no idea what was about to happen but I knew it was going to be bad. I woke up the next morning to take my daughter to school and I was a mess, sweats, shakes, cold, fever, runny nose, the runs, couldn't eat. pain everywhere, anxiety, and I was so emotionally I could barley hold it together. My husband had no idea and I had to tell him. He was not understanding and was not helpful at all. He was very angry at me for lying and doing this. The next 3 or 4 days were awful. I thought I was gong to die. It helped to take a hot  bath and I would get in my car and drive and cry my eyes out. On day 7 I started feeling like a new person. It had been a long time since I was normal. I was doing ALOT!!!! I stayed clean for 4 months and got a migrain and took half a vicodin thinking I would be ok. BOY WAS I WRONG!!!! It is 3 years later and have been doing them off and on. You have not been doing a big amount so you should probably feel physically better by the 3rd day, maybe sooner. Don't get the refill, call your doc and talk to him, you didn't mean to get addicted and he really needs to know to help you. I know it is hard but it will get better. I am 11 days clean and that is the longest I have been clean this year since july when I made it 21 days. I would do it 2 days and stop for a day or two so I didn't do it everyday so I would not have withdrawls. Even without the physical withdrawls it hits you mentally. Stay strong and get out now! I was feeling anxious and wanting to use so I logged on and started reading and now I am fine. I am here if you want to talk.

[gnarly_1]

HI....I just wanted to encourage you to stick it out....this is a 3 or 4 day deal for most
your habit is light so your withdrawals shouldn't be prolonged I agree with Jaybay get into a nice hot soak....your probably not going to sleep much if at all....and restlessness is all part of this so you will be up and down....it would be a good idea to get a blanket and roll up on the couch for the night.....try some soft music wile you lay there with your eyes closed it may be the closest thing to sleep you get....many people go to work threw this it will take your mind off it just make sure you got imodum to get you threw work a little more comfortably
in the morning if all else fails tell them you have came down with the flu and cant make it in
where all pulling for you to make it hang in there and keep posting....if you believe in God
prayer helps he's all you got at 3am when your up shaking a lot of us have beenh threw this I know exactly what it feel like....you can do this and be free of these dam pills good luck and God bless....I will pray for you.......Gnarly    

[lifewithoutcoke]

You can do this, please please don't give up. You are so close now, and once the wd let's up, your mind will slowly heal too, and you will no longer be numb emotionally. You'll be able to feel everything more deeply again, the love of your family, your kids. Things will become important to you in your life again. You just need to get through this physical part. You can do this!! We are here for you, please keep talking to us!

[Jaybay]

Get yourself into a hot bathtub NOW!  Seriously, it helps!

[Kuckma]

this constant, constant pain........I want out!
Its night I know I have to make it through the night somehow.
Work called me making sure I will be there tomomorrow.
I want out! Not sure if I can do this. the pain is so so nagging.
The kids are in the living room playing "Mommy is not feeling well"
I can barely walk to the bathroom now.
Hubby is so nice while I am 'coming down with something and let myself run down' giving me space letting me rest. U guy not sure if I can do this. Honestly.....how much longer?

[NearlyInsane]

You are probably in the worst of it right now & for the next day or 2.  Every symptom you mention is common w/ withdrawal.  Like someone else said, take immodium & advil, maybe multivitamins.  things like sleepytime tea instead of coffee... and try to take it easy for a few days.  You can do this, just hang in there.  You'll feel a million times better in a week or 2 & won't have to worry about taking those damn pills anymore!

[throwindatowl]

Addiction seems to hit the nicest people Ive ever met. Where you really informed oh just how dangerous and ADDICTIVE those pills were. I know the warning they have but come on. So dont beat yourself up. You are here now getting help and thats whats expected of you. Please dont freak out. Remember a life without the pills? We all do and we want that back. Youll get that back and all will be fine. Its the drug thats making you feel the way do. Oh and know this. There is soo many people with this problem.Dont single yourself out. When you think of doing drugs going to the doc followed by filling a prescription didnt count.At all. Now its big time. With big time drugs. Cause it comes in a pill the danger factor is all but gone. Dangerous... Give it just alittle time. You owe alittle time for yourself. To see the difference. You can do it.

[GeorgiaGirl1022]

Kuckma hi. I read your post and it touched me. I'm the mom that all the kids know as the fun mom. I take kids to the movies in droves, I invite entire baseball teams of 15 yr olds for swim parties at my house, feed them all, play army and basketball with 1/2 a dozen 8 year olds. Ya know what? I'm 15 days clean and I was at the movies with the kids this past weekend. Today I cooked a roast for my hubby and 1/2 the kids in the neighboorhoid showed up. I invited them in and we had good food and a great time and u was sober as a judge! It's ok to be "sick" for a bit. You'll STILL be a happy, fun loving mom WITHOUT a crutch. If I can ANYONE can. I promise. Plead don't take those pills you'll feel better quicker than u think and those children's laughter and smiles will be so so much sweeter!! You can do this! Have faith that u are an even BETTER person, wife and mom clean.  :)

[Frivolousz21]

I know it won't make you feel better.  But this could be much worse physically.

At least you weren't taking hanfuls per day just to barely function. I don't mean get high like you felt when you were doing all of your choirs.  I mean taking ten times what you take in a day and barely being able to work, take care of kids, get out of bed.  

Going to the store during the first 3-4 days of WD would be impossible for some of us who took much more.  

the thing is we would focus so much on the physical pain, it took everything to get passed the horrible WDs by the time it was over, 2-3 weeks out, we were mentally spent and back on the narcotics.

If you had "worse" WD you wouldn't notice if you were coming down with something else.  You would be in so much agony you could win a million dollars and end up trading it all for a bottle of pills.  It's nuts.

Be proud of yourself for never letting it get way out of control and having a manageable transition to clean life.  I used to remind myself at least I didn't stick a needle in my arm.  At least I didn't lose my kids.

take some Imodium for the runs, aleve for the pain, B-vitamins, multi vitamin,  and maybe 5-HTP for your mind.

Focus on your mental health, try to think positive!