im a struggling addict today

[gnarly_1]

HI Everyone God this is hard to post im suppose to be a community leader ......strong well rounded and firm in my recovery yet over the last week or 2 I have found myself crumbling under the stress of life as many of you know I an 6yr 2mo clean of weed alcohol and everything else recreational ....I was treating sever back pain with methadone so I lived in denile about that for several more yrs but today have 641 days clean of methadone........I have been know to say it gets ez with time but I just want to let you guys know I still struggle and these past 2 weeks have had me questioning is it really worth it...IT IS.... but this disease will come at you any time you weak it is cunning and baffling and powerful I
know it has been my aftercare and God that has kept me going although sometimes im hanging by a thread I think the bigest letdown for me is having to give up my sales job because of stress without the dope at the end of the day I just cant cope with it....I gave it an honest try for 3 mo but slowly deteriorate to the point my wife had the talk with me I also reached out to some of my brothers in the church and everybody agreed it wasnt worth loosing my sobriety over to do this job....this is a really tuff pill for me to swallow I have been a million dollar writer for 25yrs
it is bringing me to my knees at 49 I have to reinvent myself in a really tuff job market and it seams hopeless
it like im just ready to say F/it and go back to using so I can do my job and make a living even though I no this would destroy me..today I sold my jeep to the scraper it was like saying godby to an old friend ....if you live in airazona you need a jeep I was forced to do it to have the extra money to pay for my internet phone and cable tv a big all in one bill money is getting tight again...this is why I always say as addicts we need to change the very way we think and reason ......sometimes I go back to the old thinking I am a Christian and believe in God I also believe this war we rage is agents the principality of darkness not of the flesh and there is a demon haging over me ready and willing to strick me down just for what I do on this forum....Kat and I are almost empty nesters we have the last of 5 who is 18 living with us we are ready to move on with what God has for us and I believe in my heart it is a detox 1/2way house
it seams the more we push to get this going the more the enemy strikes ageist us and I am growing weare with it........im am struggling with trusting God with this it is his rehab/detox center not mine im just one of many he will use to get it going on one hand we have been blessed 6fold with help from others on the other hand I fell like im wondering the desert not knowing where to start again the urge to use has been tremendous anything to escape the stress im under......again its not the pills but rather the escape I seek  this can not be an option and I KNOW THIS yet I am still haunted by the disease ......this dose not go away I have tryed many levels of aftercare church and a personal walk with Jesus right now im hanging by a thread but im hanging I just want you guys to know im not without weakness or temptation its just as hard for me sometimes as someone just coming off this stuff  there are no garetees I just watched a friend who had his act together for well past a yr fall to this stupid disease and it just brought more discouragement to me...do I have a fighting chance?? I know we win this war one day at a time I just need to wake up and have it all smooth and better again not this ruff rocky road that im on now full of doubts and pitfalls and traps ready to spring them selfs on me there isent a person here I wouldent give the shirt off my back to help and even under these cecomstances I will still try to help out.....all I ask of you is a little slake I will make mistakes for my fellow Christians out there please keep me in your prayers I do you together we will beat this thing as that wasent enough im also bipolar and stress sets that off 2 went 4 nights last week without a wink of sleep now im falling into a depression I have been to the doctor and was told it is the side effects of coming off one of the meds...to me its just one more thing on top of a mountain ready to fall down on me and crush me I guess what im asking for is a little support I give it out all the time but rarely ask for it right now I need it thanks for reading this your friend and fellow addict Mark          

[tavia14]

All I can say is thank you so much for all your posts these last months! You have helped save my life yet once again. It doesn't get much better than that ..That's what you do! You will make it through and it will get better..you know that!

[eyeofhorus2010]

I don't have much to offer other than to let you know that thanks to you I finally understand what "Change the way you think" really means.
You're a big part of and reason for my 252 days clean.

This too shall pass.

[TooThoughtfulDan]

I just had a memory flash of the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life."  I think that applies to you.  There are people all over the world that are inspired by your sage advice and sharing of your personal struggles.  I know I am one of them.  My back pain is up several notches today and I am still staying away from the Vicoden.  I see a spine surgeon next week, and he could do surgery that would cripple me further.  Somehow this Forum has focused me on what is relevant, my three weeks of being clean.  I read your story and posts over and over and think, "Wow!  Look at the battles that Gnarly is fighting and winning!"  Maybe I can be a winner like him.  So that makes it personal to me, so I am sending out my prayers for you.  When I am at the "minute by minute" stage I read Eckhart Tolle, Scripture, this Forum, and try to lighten up on myself.
Sincerely, Dan

[LeaAnn807]

(((((((MARK))))))  I'm praying for you! I know this is going to be ok.  Hang in there.  You're getting through it!!!!

[ang_811]

Just read this. Im so sorry to hear ur struggling. Hang in there. Ill tell u what u have told me at least a  million times.."u can do this". This disease is def tricky and does get us at our weak moments. I also know u want ur sobriety more then u want to use. Hang in there and keep posting for support. We got ur back...Let us know how ur feeling today....thoughts n prayers r with u...

[gnarly_1]

HI Sara first off I want to thank you for your friendship and all the support of my friends here at medhelp.....I think you nailed it on the head with the meds my doctor is bringing me off risperdol and told me I wouldent feel that great till we where threw with the titration being bipolar and an addict has its challenges you get to feeling strange in your own skin and want to self medicate to feel better....I need to get out of this self pitty party and move on ....I cant control the way my brain chemistry is and need to take my own advise...''.you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile''... I know these feelings are only temporary...its just seams lately life has been exceptionally hard our truck broke down not once but 3 different times in the last 2 weeks its no fun working on something when its 106 outside....if I really think about it im skilled in a lot of different areas I use to hold an electrician license and can build just about anything its just changing careers is a scary proposition.....Kat is still without health ins and still has got a torn rotorcuff in her shoulder that is getting worst buy the day it looks like we may have found some help for that still not sure but its looking hopeful theres just so much on my plate right now I guess thats when I entertain the though of using to excape all the stress.....im not going to use my clean time means to much to me and after being beat down by this diesese for 16 1/2yr I know where it goes I guess I just needed to vent to someone that would understand
its kinda funny Kat was the one that insisted I post she said you need the support and people need to know your human and that this thing dosent go away at best we can keep it in remition
I have been working with my conslor Paul as well as my doctor I still have my church family praying for me next is off to a meeting tonight...I feel a lot better just getting it off my chest sometimes posting can be the best medicine...now if I can just get this stress level down a bit where ok for this upcoming month now that the jeep is gone but I really need to find work we have lived on a shoe string for so long our budget is low so just about any job will cover us and im not picky the focus of my life is the detox/1/2way house God has really layed that on my heart so we will continue to work toward that eventually that will become my job but thats off a ways still a lot to do to get it off the ground meanwile I will still be on here my love for people is as strong as ever and you know I have a heart for the addict ....like you said I will get past this I guess I just wanted to tell everybody im not armor plated this thing gets to me sometime to and everybody needs support from time to time you just have to swallow some pride and ask for it.... God bless all of you you guys have always gotten me threw may God guard your hearts and bless all of you abundantly your friend and fellow addict Mark