im a struggling addict today

[gnarly_1]

HI Everyone God this is hard to post im suppose to be a community leader ......strong well rounded and firm in my recovery yet over the last week or 2 I have found myself crumbling under the stress of life as many of you know I an 6yr 2mo clean of weed alcohol and everything else recreational ....I was treating sever back pain with methadone so I lived in denile about that for several more yrs but today have 641 days clean of methadone........I have been know to say it gets ez with time but I just want to let you guys know I still struggle and these past 2 weeks have had me questioning is it really worth it...IT IS.... but this disease will come at you any time you weak it is cunning and baffling and powerful I
know it has been my aftercare and God that has kept me going although sometimes im hanging by a thread I think the bigest letdown for me is having to give up my sales job because of stress without the dope at the end of the day I just cant cope with it....I gave it an honest try for 3 mo but slowly deteriorate to the point my wife had the talk with me I also reached out to some of my brothers in the church and everybody agreed it wasnt worth loosing my sobriety over to do this job....this is a really tuff pill for me to swallow I have been a million dollar writer for 25yrs
it is bringing me to my knees at 49 I have to reinvent myself in a really tuff job market and it seams hopeless
it like im just ready to say F/it and go back to using so I can do my job and make a living even though I no this would destroy me..today I sold my jeep to the scraper it was like saying godby to an old friend ....if you live in airazona you need a jeep I was forced to do it to have the extra money to pay for my internet phone and cable tv a big all in one bill money is getting tight again...this is why I always say as addicts we need to change the very way we think and reason ......sometimes I go back to the old thinking I am a Christian and believe in God I also believe this war we rage is agents the principality of darkness not of the flesh and there is a demon haging over me ready and willing to strick me down just for what I do on this forum....Kat and I are almost empty nesters we have the last of 5 who is 18 living with us we are ready to move on with what God has for us and I believe in my heart it is a detox 1/2way house
it seams the more we push to get this going the more the enemy strikes ageist us and I am growing weare with it........im am struggling with trusting God with this it is his rehab/detox center not mine im just one of many he will use to get it going on one hand we have been blessed 6fold with help from others on the other hand I fell like im wondering the desert not knowing where to start again the urge to use has been tremendous anything to escape the stress im under......again its not the pills but rather the escape I seek  this can not be an option and I KNOW THIS yet I am still haunted by the disease ......this dose not go away I have tryed many levels of aftercare church and a personal walk with Jesus right now im hanging by a thread but im hanging I just want you guys to know im not without weakness or temptation its just as hard for me sometimes as someone just coming off this stuff  there are no garetees I just watched a friend who had his act together for well past a yr fall to this stupid disease and it just brought more discouragement to me...do I have a fighting chance?? I know we win this war one day at a time I just need to wake up and have it all smooth and better again not this ruff rocky road that im on now full of doubts and pitfalls and traps ready to spring them selfs on me there isent a person here I wouldent give the shirt off my back to help and even under these cecomstances I will still try to help out.....all I ask of you is a little slake I will make mistakes for my fellow Christians out there please keep me in your prayers I do you together we will beat this thing as that wasent enough im also bipolar and stress sets that off 2 went 4 nights last week without a wink of sleep now im falling into a depression I have been to the doctor and was told it is the side effects of coming off one of the meds...to me its just one more thing on top of a mountain ready to fall down on me and crush me I guess what im asking for is a little support I give it out all the time but rarely ask for it right now I need it thanks for reading this your friend and fellow addict Mark          

[dominosarah]

How are you feeling today Mark?

[addict3]

Mark,
I hope all you are needing is an adjustment in meds. I am with the others here who respectfully suggest you bring in your Dr.
You know this is just a part of this disease. You seem to be solid in your faith, consult with your higher power on this.

Many people on here will have you in their thoughts and prayers, Hopefully knowing this will help!
I wish you well my friend.....My prayer for you has already been asked.

[mellie4]

I'm hoping today is a better day today.  It is so touching to see how much you're loved.

[tommyjames716]

Hey man ... this is Billy (27 yrs on Methadone) ... Suni emailed me and said you were having a rough time. You see because of you I didn't know. Because of you I have my life back and I don't need to come to this site anymore. When I cried out for help on my darkest day you answered and that gave me the strength to get to the next day ... and then the next ... you told me about vitamin B and the milkshake stuff ... that also helped. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm here now ... clean because of your help. Now multiply me with the hundreds that you've help before and after me. DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN IMPACT YOU'RE HAVING ON THIS IS PLANET?

You have your beliefs and they are your strength ... we must live our beliefs or we are hypocrites. You mention that a friend backslid after a year. Well that's a shame ... but he is not you and you can not save everyone ... even Jesus on his best day couldn't save everyone ... and do you think you're better at saving people than He is...?

Listen ... in my philosophy all choices are valid ... if you choose to fall off the wagon ... then so be it ... you'll get back on ... the number of days don't matter ... the only thing that matter is if you are clean NOW ... but I don't think you're going anywhere ... we all get down ... even me ... but because of you ... no matter how down I get ... I KNOW I will never put Methadone or any chemical in my body again.

So the next time you're feeling' blue think of me and all the other people you've helped over the years ... your life is so much more than being a salesman ... no I take that back .. you are the best damn salesman I ever met for being clean ... you've save a lot of weary souls ... and I thank you for saving mine ... GOD BLESS YOU ...!!!  

[jewlz2626]

You are such an inspiration to everyone on here, but we know you ARE human & will have bad days...especially when stressing! We battle this disease for so long, I can see that the longer we stay clean, we forget how dreadful it really was! Just remember how hard you worked to get the sober Mark back. It was the fight of your life & you won, you deserve to keep that trophy! Thank you for being you!! Praying for you Mark! Julie

[vicki595]

Mark- I have ONE WORD for YOU:   SHRIMP!!!!!

You love shrimp more and you know it!  Here's the thing:  I'd be a liar if I said i never felt this way,too.  It's part of the human condition to feel stress and want to escape from it at the same time!   It's just never easy for anyone! But,there are also wonderful days in between the bad ones.

For you, it's harder because you already have a situation that messes with your head! I know that disease runs in cycles and the meds that help for a period of time suddenly don't work!
Call the doctor in on this; it's happened before and I believe a lot of this is biology with you along with sleep deprivation. That's when you begin to get the "whispers"...

There's a lot of motivation to stay clean and sober for us...if we were alone on the island here it would just be easy to say,"screw it"!  But,there are people who love us and count on us and sometimes when we can't seem to "do it" for ourselves, we need to do it for THEM!

This will pass. I'm glad you shared because you're not the only one who feels like this! So,
come on and call the doctor!!   My job is stressful,too,and I think it's unhealthy at times,that's why I don't do it a lot!!  Look at some options and how the hell are you this morning???? Don't make me worry about you!  I hate to worry on Fridays!!