norco withdrawal again.. yeah I know

[xxxc123]

Hi everyone.   Im a 33 year old female with three kids.  I went cold turkey three weeks ago even got to day six and stupid me I  got my  90 norco refill.  That was filled on the  23 I took my last one yesterday around 6:00.  I have not done the math yet but im sure its well over a couple a day.  What the hell was I thinking?    So now im starting over 21 hours in.  Does anyone know if my withdrawal will be as bad?  Im willing to do this and I know how stupid I am so please don't tell me about myself.  
  I even said before I got them " ive got another buzz in me but I don't have another withdrawal.  "   so what the hell is wrong with me.  Im done.  I can get more but I don't want this anymore.  Y he six days I had clean my life was so clear and I realized how much I missed out on ny kids life.  I think the guilt overwhelmed me.  Of course I have no health insurance so counselling isn't an option.   I just want to make it. Does anyone know if this will be the same hell I faced not even a month ago or will it be easier because I didn't use for about a week?  Not going to quit if it  is hard just a question.  I know I was addicted  for a long time so I do deserve this. Thanks for the help

[bama88]

Yes Hun, you will relapse if you do the same thing as you did before.  Gotta try so,etching new and different this time.  I can feel that you really want to get sober.  I think you'd do best to do what's right for you right now....you've gotta do you.  I know you love your family...you love your sisters and brothers.  And yes, it might be easier with your sister by your side.  But, it will be easier to think of just yourself right now.  It was explained to me by my friend Lu.....think of saving yourself first before you can save another person.  Just like an oxygen mask on a plane, you put your mask on first then help others...

This is a hard enough disease to fight in the first place....but, when your really really ready nothing will stop you from getting sober...it will be like that.  Nobody or nothing will or can stop you from reaching your sobriety.  Unless you want them too...cause the first part of recovery starts within yourself...

Nobody is ever too lost to get help.  That's the beauty in this disease....we're never too sick to get better. And that's a great and powerful thing.

What do you want to do?  This is your life and your choice....if you want it you can have it...meetings are free....

[xxxc123]

I did find a meeting.  I told my sister about it and she said it would be too much.  I think we both were addicted so long that we stopped developing emotionally and stuck back at age Maybe 16.  
  I feel like she does but im willing to do what I have to do.
When we were sent to the same place she and I were in a rehab facility.  The state of tx sent the oldest and youngest to Bryce  and other mental institutions.  My little sister and I begged to be together so we were in rehab.  
  I know her disgust at the mention of NA meetings. We were not drug addicts and were forced to say the hi im an addict not in the NA meetings but in the rehab center but I automatically did it there too.
My behavior was good so I was out in two and a half years and adopted by my older sister who was never a ward of the state.  I was sixteen when I was adopted the  sis who adopted me was eighteen and the judge would only let her  have one of the four. I had the best behavior so I was chosen.
  I tried to reason with my sister.  I told her  no we didn't deserve it then but we damn sure did earn our place in the meeting now.
I can't deal with her issues tho. I have too many myself.  I went by my little brother s house about two hours ago. He lives with my 72 year old mom. Its actually a crack house.  I told him im sorry I won't be able to help him or mom with money that im changing and not enabling or using.  My brother used to also get me pills.  I told him I love him of course he didn't say it back because no one in my family ever says that. It shows weakness so it took a lot.  
My mom was just her regular self calling me a ***** and a ***** because I wasn't there to do whatever. I don't really care how she feels she  has never cared about any of her 14 kids. But I still never disrespect her because out of all those kids only one which is my brother talks to her.
  I think you people are right.  I will relapse if I  Don't start something different but what I did with my family today takes a lot.
  I hope my siblings will forgive me one day but I can't do anything about it now.

[bama88]

I've read your posts...and I know that if you go to a meeting, pick up a big book and read it along with other addicts your self esteem will improve..after you get some clean time down, and work a program your gonna build yourself up.  It's just the way we are.  Addicts have a way of feeling about oneself that is a little different than the normal person.  When we have a hard day we numb our pain...and that's not healthy.  And we all want to be healthy.

Addiction doesn't make a person bad...addiction is a disease.

It sounds like you've got a lot of feelings still left in you regarding the past.  Especially when you mentioned your siblings.  I'm sorry to hear about what you went thru..

Don't spend too much time dwelling on why you didn't stay clean.  Just get back on track and try again.  That was just a practice run...

[Pat1956100]

Damn it breaks my heart to read this.  You are in my prayers and I hope you feel the strength we are all sending out to you.
Make sure you post whenever you feel like it and don't hold back.

Hugs
Pat

[jifmoc]

Hi there! I read this whole thread. That worthless feeling you have is constantly talked about by people in meetings. I can't tell you how often I've heard people say just what you've said. The ones who have recovery have self-esteem.

Please listen to IBKLEEN. She knows her stuff:) We don't make it w/o aftercare, honey, we just don't. One tiny step at a time. Can you find a meeting?

[lulu747]

Awe Sweetie my heart goes out to you.
So many people post on here that they don't understand how other people can just talk to each other without being under the influence.  It's just because this is the way that addict's cope with uncomfortable feelings.  It honestly just takes a lot of practice and a lot of work in aftercare learning to let go and to love and accept yourself.  Getting clean and staying clean gives you tremendous confidence.  And every time you go into a scary situation and make it through the other side you conquer a fear and it FEELS GREAT!  You may feel terrified and awkward for awhile.  But the longer you are clean and the more you put yourself out there, the better you feel.
Addiction is a disease but it is also a learned behaviour.  You have to unlearn those behaviours and replace them with healthy ones.  I know things seem dark and lonely right now but I promise there will be light.
You need to practice what we refer to in yoga as Mytrie.  It is the art of being one's own best friend.
I will tell you that I don't think I ever really loved myself until I went through the hell of getting addicted and then getting clean.  About 2 years into my sobriety I was going through something very scary and hard.  I was sitting out on my deck thinking "Oh my God, what if this doesn't work?  What if I lose everything?" And then deep inside me I heard a voice that has always been there, but was drowned out by other loud voices for a long time.  It said
"It doesn't matter what happens.  You will always be okay.  As long as you are honest and true, you will ALWAYS be okay"
And that voice was/is right.
You just need the clarity of sobriety to hear your own inner voice.

Self love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness.  These are the cornerstones of healing.
You take care of yourself, I mean REALLY take care of yourself- and the Universe will support you.  Always.
Have faith.
We are all here cheering for you!
Lu