Life After

[Reborn77]

I've been reading over many post on this site for a few weeks now but this is my first entry. I thought it was time. I've been struggling with opiate addiction for nearly 3 years now. I'm a 30 year old male (dispite what my profile says lol). My problems started 5 years ago when a coworker handed me a vicodin during a stressful day on the job. I couldn't believe how great I felt. Energized, focused, and more productive. I was never actually prescribed anything for pain or after surgery but I realized very quickly just how easy it was to get whatever I wanted when I wanted it. I kept my use pretty light for the next couple of years. I could take vics once in awhile but it never bothered me not to take them. As time went on usage began to pop up all around me. Friends, coworkers, even immediate family members. Everyone I knew it seemed like they were taking something! Occasional vics turned to everyday very quickly. Before I knew it I was taking not only  vicodin and norco, but percs, loratabs, and ultrams too. All the while still believing I had it under control and could stop at any time. Soon I realized just how wrong I was. I started to notice that I was having a much harder time doing just about everything without being high and was having to make my plans around whether or not I had pills. This realization hit me really hard so I took a job that required me to travel to different states. Although it sucked at first I eventually cleaned up and felt myself again. Unfortunately my line of work isn't always year round and all my family and friends are reside in the same area. So I'd return home and before I knew it I'd rationalize my way into a relapse. I'd go off to work again for awhile and clean up then come home and fall back into old habits. This latest time has by far been the worst. My family was going through some tough times and I decided just to stay home for a year. As before I began using again. My tolerance grew and I was introduced to Oxy which immediately became my drug of choice. I couldn't go to work, school, social event, even family get togethers without being high. It was jsut as important as breathing. I carried on this behavior for quite awhile until I went to a family members house to visit and seen them in the midst of hardcore withdrawl symptoms! They were in absolute misery! This person had been taking much larger doses than me and for alot longer. Then I seen the same thing going on with another friend and then my own little sister. Everything kinda came crashing down all at once. I needed to stop once and for all. I couldn't very well try and get family members and friends to give it up when I was an addict myself. I figured hey, I've quit before I can quit again. Cold turkey was and an epic failure. Weened down to only vics and ultram then switched to suboxone and went back on the road to work. Only the Subs almost seemed just as strong or stronger than what I was taking. When they ran out I was basically useless and had to find an excuse to go home. I've been back for almost two weeks now. Every day has been a challenge. I'd make 2 or 3 days then take something. Go another couple days the take something. Even the most mundane tasks are like climbing mountains. I've made it 3 days again this time. The parts thats killing me the most is the loss of energy and ambition. I feel like a recluse and people wonder why I never want to do anything. I'm also having a hell of a time getting any sleep at all and am afraid to take something for that for fear of a brand new addiction. I haven't been going out that much because I know just how easy it is for me to get drugs. I love my family fiercely and want to spend time with them but just about all of them are addicted to something. How am I supposed to quit and stay clean when its always in my face? I wonder if I'm ever going to get a good night sleep again or have the energy to go to the gym or hike or do all the other things I used to cherish. To anyone who happens to read this I thank you for listening to my rant lol. It feels good to put it out there. I want old me back! If anyone out there has been through a similar situation or has any advice it'd be greatly appreciated ;)

[akitagurl12]

hi,
Pretty much everyone i know takes stuff, most dont seem to want to stop though.  Quitting is a very personal decision though and it sounds like your time has come.  Everything u are feeling is very normal w/d symptoms.  Especially the no energy and depression.  You should really start to feel relief from that by week three.  The thing is, by taking pills every couple of days, u are at this point keeping yourself in acute withdrawal and that HAS to be a living hell.  So I would really suggest continuing not to take anything, no matter what.  Also focusing on all the negatives that these pills are causing u will help keep u motivated as well as telling yourself that all of this is temporary and u will never have to go through this again if u can resist taking anymore pills.  Don't worry about the future, just focus on today.  The only goal u should have at this point is not to take pills from the moment u wake up to the moment u (hopefully) go to sleep.  Everything else will work itself out.  And who knows, maybe u will be a shining example for your family members once they decide they have had enough. Getting clean will only allow you to feel more love and connectedness to your family so of couse u don't have to give them up.  But why put yourself into anymore temptation then u have too during these first 2 weeks.  The not sleeping is really the worst of this because it starts to wear u down after awhile, but taking painkillers isn't the solution and really doesn't help with the sleeping either. i made the mistake of getting hooked on xanax because of not sleeping so now i am dealing with that.  I don't suggest taking anything else addicting if u don't have too.  Just adds to the depression.  Hang on and just take it as it comes, hour to hour and it  will begin to get much easier.  If it didn't get easier, i really wouldn't have stayed off for the 30 something days i have.  Keep posting too, it helps ALOT!

[Fireby29]

Your at the right place.  You were taking a lot, and many different things, but if you can just hunker down, cut off supply and get some days behind you it will get better.  You can do this!  Exercise, eat right and get some vitamins/protein supplements going.  That will give a little assist to healing your brain.  It's going to take awhile, maybe a long while, but you can get to the other side.  That's what I am shooting for, and I honestly feel just a tinge better overall everyday.  The regulars here can give lots of good advice.

Bryan

[Free2agoodhome]

You've found the right website. You are like me man,,,not sure when I crossed over into addiction or why I loved the warm fuzzy feeling so much where other can take it or leave it..but i had to understand its how opiates effect me and what do I want to do about it....keep posting, lot of good folks on here that made it to the other side,,,good luck

[Elmijack15]

Welcome, I sent you a private message, write me anytime. You see first hand what this addiction does, please don't continue down this road. Best of luck to you!

[Stacy_Lynn]

What ur going through is 100% normal except ur giving in to the devil pills before ur body can get back to normal! U have abused it for so long ( like i did ) that u HAVE to go through more than 2-5 days of feeling bad. For me my turning point was the act of actually wanting to quit & i believe without that u will loose this battle. U have to want it & deal with feeling down for a while. Tell ur self u have the flu for a week or so. After the 2nd week off i began to feel so much better! Are u taking anything to help with the W/D's? If not u need some Imodium, a multi vitamin, B12 or B complex, magnesium, Gatorade, banana's & u must stay hydrated! This is what i took & i feel it helped a ton!! I hope u keep posting on here, it really helps & people here will help get u through! Love & Prayers. Stacy