ready for a new beginning

[hiddenaddict]

I'm picking up the last bottle of pills i'll ever buy today. I am ready to go cold turkey, but have to get dome things in order before i give myself to the hell of detox. My goal is to begin detox one week from thid Friday. In my experience (having done this once before) it'll take me three days to get through the worst, so quitting on a Friday is best for me. I have gained incredible strength by reading your stories before and it is an importanr part of my pkan this time too. My story? I'm 35 years old and have been addicted to vicodin for four years. 9 5/500's daily now and tired of being a slave. It started when i had an elective surgury and i quickly decided i felt so much better under the influence. I have four kids - all over 15 and work full time in a very demanding career. I can do it all ( just ask me), but found it easier to do it all with the assistance of vicodin. No one knows. Not my husband of 17 years. Not my family. No one. Except you. I quit once before. It lasted all of a week, but it was awful yet i did it so i know ican do it again. My hope is you can give me the support i need to be successful this time and maybe in a few weeks when the worst is overi can give back to someone else here and continue to help myself in the process. Everyone i know thinks i'm so strong. It makes it worse because i just can't let them know how very weak i really am. One week from Friday i will be back to post as i go. I am preparing by purchasing the vitamins and other OTC items i know i'll need and preparing myself mentally. Wish me luck, please pray fir me and i will soon be back...likely in the middle of the night when i can't sleep and am w/d'ing seeking support.

[dominosarah]

Getting clean requires alot of work.  It is all about self discovery.  I would get rid of those sleeping pills.  Let yourself be pill free.  Wd's are no fun but we need to go thru this.  Our body has to heal from the inside.  Our organs have taken a beating and they have to learn to function again.  Also by putting other meds into our body it messes with our brain.  Vitamins/supplements are good and our bodies respond well to them.  Try not to fear the wd's, be more afraid of what will happen if you would continue to use.  You are about to do something really good for yourself.  Go into it with a positive attitude.  We will be right here to help you.  You can do this!     sara

[NeverDreamed]

Hey there, i've been thinking of you.  You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I will be sending all my support your way tomorrow and the days that follow.  Stick with it.  Don't dwell on the past and think what if's, forgive yourself for not sticking with it in the past, and move forward.  You are doing this now, maybe you were not in the right mindset before.  That's what I believe.  I felt I only lasted 5 days, because I truly wasn't ready to give them up.  I made sure I was mentally ready now, and fortunately before my life fell apart.   For me I think the Idea of withdrawals was worst than before, but I psyched myself out so much that the withdrawals were not unmanageable.  I was out on day 2 at a friends BBQ.  Good Luck to you, we are here!  

[hiddenaddict]

I'm okay today and I'll be good til about 2pm tomorrow - then the fun will start. Last time I remember thinking that if I could just sleep I could handle the rest. I didn't have the runs last time, just terrible body aches, COMPLETE lack of energy and the constant bug like feeling under my skin and massive joint pain. I'm hoping it isn't worse this time because I also remember thinking that it getting through that last time was the hardest thing I had ever done. I am so mad at myself for not sticking to it and putting myself in the position I'm in now. I can only hope it won't be worse, but honestly it's been two more years that have gone by and likely will be more difficult. My friend did give me a handful of her prescription sleeping pills and I'm REALLY hoping those will work. The worst for me is not being able to sit still and not being able to sleep. Having to spend those nights WIDE awake while the rest of the world is resting...it leaves way too much time to think and be miserable. I will do this. I just hope that the worst is over my Tuesday when I will have to go to work and join the living. Thank you for checking in on me. I need it. Helps to be accountable to someone. :)

[atthebeach]

how are you doing? is tomorrow your last day of pills?

[hiddenaddict]

Five months! I would love to be able to say that. I only picked up what I need to get me to Friday and now I'm starting to panic. I told my supplier...kind of odd to say "supplier" as she's one of my friends...anyway, I told her that I don't want anymore so from here on out she won't give me any. She doesn't use herself, just was a middle person between a friend who wanted to sell and me who bought them all. I have cut off my main connection, so no longer have a choice. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and my first thought was about the pills and the panic set in. I can't wait to be free of that. I wonder what other things I will think about when that's no longer the ONLY thing on my mind. I wonder what my life will be like when getting them, hiding them, taking them, etc. no longer absorbs all my thoughts.I imagine I'll be full of thoughts about NOT taking them. As for addressing why...I know why. Do you mean seeking outside help like a counselor or something? I've considered that myself, but honestly I feel like I know why and I just have to deal with it and find a way to move on. I'm off to work...to pretend all is normal. :) Thanks for your post and have a great day.

[Innerstrength67]

Hi hidden, good for you! You know you can do this. If you have been down this road before, and believe me, most of us have, than dealing with why you went back on the pills is crucial. It's worth looking at. I NEVER thought I would get clean and here I am 5 months Vicodin free.
Good luck!

[NeverDreamed]

Good for you!  Please know we are here, and the sooner you start the sooner you can tally up those clean days.  Now are you still picking up that bottle?  If you have them in the house, it will be very hard not to take just one, or just a few to subside the withdrawal.  So please if you really want to make it happen this week, make sure they are out of sight/reach by Thursday.  If you take your last one Thursday morning, by Thursday night you will start to feel uncomfortable, maybe have the tummy troubles, and your appetite will be gone.  Make sure you have immodium on hand, and force yourself to eat and drink.  You said you've done this before, so just remember the anxiety of withdrawals and fear of not having the pills is way worse than actually going through them, in my opinion of course.  

[atthebeach]

you are welcome. ok now friday that sounds like a better plan. do a little taper from now til friday. dont let fear get the best of you. you can do this. think positive. you are taking control of your life. dont let the pills control you any longer.
you are strong. you are worth it.
you only think you feel better on the pills it is a lie of the enemy of your soul the demon pills telling you that. they give you a false sense of security.
you got this. we are here to encourage you and support you,
there is a beautiful life at the end of the tunnel.
sending hugs,hope,encouragement,
debbie

[LostNoMore]

Hidden, good for you!  This is the absolute best thing you will ever do for yourself. And YOU are worth it! You're not weak, but your addiction is VERY powerful. Addicts are the strongest people on this planet. We have to be to do the things we do and still survive. Getting clean is hard. The rewards are truly  amazing. Stay close to this forum. I agree that postponing because you have pills is not a good idea. Good luck!

[hiddenaddict]

Neverdreamed/Theghost - Thank you for your posts. I honestly wondered if anyone would really understand how i feel having to hide this. I've decided to fake the beginnings of the flu Thusday and go for it Friday night. I know i'll be hating life all weekend and likely most of next week, but it already feels like a more attainable goal knowing you guys are in the same boat. Thank you!

[hiddenaddict]

I knew when i planned it that i was just postponing, but had justified it in my mind that next week would be better. Thank you atthebeach for calling me out on that. I'm going to only get what i need to get me through Friday afternoon -  THIS Friday. Ugh...this is going to suck. I remember on day four when i quit two years ago that i felt like "myself" that day. I really want that feeling again. Sharlola...your post immediately put me to tears. This is going to suck, but i'm ready. Thank you for your message.

[TheGhostofBelleStarr]

Good luck to you-my story is rather similar..no one knows, not even my spouse...I am on my 2nd day without using and now I have to hide my withdrawl from him

[NeverDreamed]

Wow!  I feel like I just wrote your post.  Your story is so very close to mine.  I'm doing this alone, my husband of 4 years does not know, my stepchildren, friends, family, no one knows... No one even knew I was prescribed the dang things.  I'm the strong/concrete one who everyone relys on in my family, I am superwoman to my step kids, I do it all.  I have a very demanding/stressful/successful career, and i'm a functioning closet addict.  I was taking about 20 vicodin per day, or if I had norco I was taking about 10-13 of those per day.  
Like atthebeach asked, why are you waiting, I know you said you have to get some things done, but there will always be a reason to postpone.  The pills ready for pick up were the reason I did not last longer than 5 days before this.  At Day 5 my pharmacy called telling me they were ready... I thought to myself "I'll just pick them up and take them as prescribed"  I popped 4 into my mouth just on the way home from the dam pharmacy, and had not seen a clean day since January 27, 2012, 2 years later.  If you can get Clonidine prescribed, it helps with withdrawals, immodium helped me, motrin helped with the aches, and phantom pain as I call it, because I felt it was my mind telling me I was in pain and to take a pill.. If I slowed down and waited it out, I realized it's not unmanageable pain.  I have degenerative arthritis, and scoliosis(mild) in my back, so yes my back always hurts, but it's manageable... I just stretch, tolerate it, and move on.  

How many are you picking up?  Can you taper down this week, and start cold turkey Friday?  Or how about cold turkey today?  You can do this.  Keep reading and keep us updated, my thoughts and prayers are with you.  
xoxo

[sharlola35]

Hidden...I too was heavily addicted to Vicodin.  Except I would take upwards of 20 (TWENTY) a day.  It has been over one year now since I stopped cold turkey.  It has definitely been a marathon, not a sprint.  I take one day at a time and have learned to move away from all of the shame and guilt that comes with addiction.  Its good to have a plan in place, just try not to psych yourself out!  Remember you have a disease, an illness, this wlll take time.  Stay positive and strong, yes strong, because you are!!  Getting ready to fight these demons head on you have to be.  Good luck..we are here for you!

[atthebeach]

why are you waiting til one week from friday? there will always be something else in life that needs to get taken care of. there is never a perfect time to detox. it stinks and that is the reality of it. if you want your life back there is no time like the present to start.
how many more pills are you picking up??