to those of you who have been folowing my nightmare

[BeyondScrewed]

i am still out of the house. i went this moring to watch my son test for his next karate belt and have been hanging out with him all day since. i have decided definitley that i want a divorce and have an appt with a lawyer on thursday. i have not told my wife yet as she is i believe still thinking that this is temporary but there is no going back in my mind. i am in NO WAY passing the buck for my problems. i made my bed and i will lie in it. but on my own i decided a year ago that i was gonna take myself off of all of this crap. i first got rid of 90mg a day of cymbalta. for anyone who may ever have a doctor give that to them and tell them that it is not addicting and that quitting it is no issue, DO NOT BELIEVE IT!!!!! I then took myself off of a 6-8mg per day ativan/xanax script. that took an agonizing 5 months because i knew that had to be done correctly due to the danger or seizures. i am now working on the devil drug opiates.
so here i am. i made the last fent patch last 3 days when usually i change them every 2. i cut even more off of it today b4 i put it on, which put it at just barely over half of a 50mcg patch down from 2   75mcg patches. and as of right now i have only had 1 and 1/2 of the 30mg roxy's and i actually dont feel that bad!!!! i am so happy and proud of myself. i am scared of what physically may come tommorow because that is out of my control. the mental aspect of it, all i want to do is eat 3, snort 2 and smoke until i nod out. but i have been battling that want for the last 96 hours and so far i am winning!!!!! God please.....PLEASE give me the strength to keep winning. i cannot lose this time around. i have everything to gain, and EVERYTHING to lose. but i am going to win. i am i am i am!!!!!

[BeyondScrewed]

No, the addi tion is trying to win, but is failing. I WILL NOT allow it to win anylonger. I had my last pill last night and I wanted so bad to snort it but I did not. I have my patch on today, no pills and am back at work and feelin okay
I AM WINNING!!!!!!!!!

[ImDONENoMore]

That's what we're talking about.. the addiction is winning, for now, and it isn't possible to be thinking clearly given what you're going through at the moment.  But it sounds like you're going to do this no matter how much advice we try to give to you, so I wish you good luck.  I hope things work out the way you want them to.  I really do.

[BeyondScrewed]

thank you all very much. the divorce is final in my mind. i have that appt on thursday, but i dont think im going to officially file yet. i can appreciate that so many people (including my mother) think it best that i dont tackle both of these monster issues at the same time, however i am an extremely stubborn S.O.B. There is nothing in my life that has attempted to kick my ***, that i haveent turned around and kicked back and won. Addiction may have won so far, but no more. I dont feel well right now, i have three pills upstairs and there is nothing i would like more than to go crush and snort all of them all at once, but i am going to wait for my set sched, wait another hour, then simply swallow just one of them

[weaver71]

The divorce of my first wife sent me into an 18 year relapse. I made it about a year clean after we split. When I went back out, I made up for lost time. I realized later, that part of it was me and part of it was her. This time, my wife of 13 years stopped enabling me, she gave up. I was angry, sad, even relieved, but we didn't divorce. She is gaining trust in me slowly. She can see by my actions that I am serious. Years of empty promises and nod outs on the couch made her grow numb. I'm completely chemical free now and she even started to support me again. My children are so happy to see me coming out of the fog and my wife has even smiled a couple of times. Things are slowly getting better. Just wanted to share some of my story. Good luck.

[Babeston]

Im on a taper myself and posted my situation on here. But, I stopped by just to add that I agree with everyone else about the divorce. The advice I seen others get, and got from my dad [who is a recovering alcoholic] is that you shouldnt make any big life changes during this time. Focus on you and get yourself straight. I dont know whats going on exactly, but if she isnt giving you any type of support or encouragement, then distance from her as you heal would be important, I would think

[atthebeach]

so glad for you that you are spending time with your son. i am sure you both are very happy. great job on your continued taper. you are doing awesome.
i  agree that now is not the best time to file for divorce. it is recommended by professionals not to make any major decisions regarding your life  during the first year of your sobriety. your emotions are running high. addiction causes many issues in our relationships. it changes our relationships. please consider waiting for awhile. okay?

[ImDONENoMore]

I couldn't agree more with clong.  I know you're hurting and going through a tough withdrawal/taper, only now is not the time to make such a huge life-altering change.  Give yourself some more time.  You don't have to sign any papers tomorrow right?  Maybe a separation is the way to go for now.

[Clong45]

Please know I only wish you the best..  It's obvious you want to get clean and it seems you are well on your way there.  You've been on a very high dose of opiates from what I remember in your previous posts.  Professional help would of made it easier for you in my opinoin..but if you stay determined, this can be done.  I don't know the details of your marriage and I don't need to.  BUT..I don't think it to be wise to tackle a divorce why you are going through this.  You are on a emotional rollercoster and will be for a good amount of time..especially when you get off everything.  I'd hate for you to realize later on down the road that you messed up not trying to keep your marriage in tact..If there is too much water under the bridge and it can't be fixed..it would be better to realize that with a right mind..yet alone deal with it..just a suggestion.