Can't stop.... :(

[Backtopurity]

I've been a binge drinker since I was about 14. It's the biggest problem for me. I recently got off Percocet after being on it for 3 years after a car wreck. Now I'm trying to address this major issue I've had forever that has been inhibiting and interfering with my life. I've always reached for alcohol to have fun. On the summer days on the beach(illegally hiding it on beaches as well), in the winter: taking a break from the slopes getting some liquid courage, all year round hanging out with friends or playing games with family. There is always a reason to drink. It's actually under contol a lot of the time, but many times(too many) it has escalated to a binge night. I've had 2 day drinking sessions without stopping. People recognize me all the time and I have clue who they are. It *****, I work at a dental office, and last week someone said they see me all over town often. I only go out when drinking, so I have no clue, and it's so embarrassing. I've done horrible drugs while drinking. Including crack!!! Ew. Good god. I am so fed up with the eradic behavior. My major car accident a couple years back, I met a guy at a party, and wanted to party more, wanted to go swimming to a remote place up in the bush at a lake, was fooling around while he was driving, then when for about 5 flips over a cliff.... It was a nightmare. Now if you knew me, you'd know that is very out of character for me. I am no ****, no easy person, I have long term relationships, but when I drink, I am different, careless. I don't know why I do it. I guess to "unwind" after work or whatever reason I have at the time, and it just escalates all to frequently. I don't mean to whine and sound like "whoa is me". But this has been eating me up. I have a counsellor who I see weekly, but I just need to tell my stories to more people. I feel lost with drinking. Even last night I went out with work friends, I arranged a dinner and bowling trip. I was uptight after work. Drank martinis, pitcher of beer, bottle of beer, 1/2 L of white wine in 6 hours while bowling. I know to some, that isn't all that much, but this was with work!!! Oh god, so embarrassing. I don't want my professional life to fall apart...

It seems worse the older I get. I'm turning 29 in may and my binging is just making me feel like a loser. I am a shy person with a reputation in my town as a drunk. One time I saw a guy I went to school with, and he was so angry with me. I was confused and asked why. I guess one time previous, he had a party at his house after a rock concert in my town(which I hardly remember as well) and he said I was breaking and throwing stuff!! I have absolutely no recollection and usually do even if I have no control myself, I ususally remember(as if I'm watching a movie...lol) I only assume I was drugged, or did some sort of crazy drug. It's just horrible. I have been to AA and find they don't quite work for me, actually I want to drink more after them. I have went to a meeting with women only b4(they were in-patients and it was a drop in meeting) it seemed to get to me in a good way, but I only went once... I have had suggested to me to go to a centre for a while, but I just can't. Mortgage and I'm single... So not working for me. I know there are always excuses tho...

Any suggestions as to where I go from here?? Love and light to you all...

[Jacker]

I cannot tell you whether you're an alcoholic or not, but your reasons for drinking are not healthy ones and they could eventually lead you to a very bad place. I used to function better with alcohol- I actually thrived on it for a period of time, but it does not last if you do this to excess for a period of time.  

The physical damage is well documented too, including hormonal imbalances (which do not help the pregnancy issues).  

While alcohol can "mask" problems, it does not make them go away and it's actually a depressant.  After the effect wears off, you're left with the same problems and an altered state of mind.  Don't waste your 20's by doing this - you can do a lot of productive things in your life, but not if you lose yourself in alcohol.  For what it's worth, the purpose of AA is the teach you how to live (and really live) without alcohol.  It's not just to simply stop drinking.  It's a free program, so think about giving it a try.  It might help you deal with some of your other problems.  

[ibizan]

I appreciate your honesty in letting us know you are not ready to quit drinking.However it is not rational that you came onto the forum to help others and give advice when you are unable to address your own problems.At the top of the page it explains that the forum is for those with loved ones or who themselves are trying to quit drinking.I hope the day comes when you are willing to commit yourself to recovery for if you don't this will worsen and more problems will abound.

[Princessdaniella]

I do drink still Yes a lot but I did not come onto the forum to ask for help I came onto here to give advice because I wanted to be able to support someone else and to be able to help someone else through a hard time.
In all honestly I am not ready to stop and I have a lot happening around me and do not feel as though I could be happier any other way. It is not affecting my relationship as my partner also drinks like me and his parents who we live with are not aware.
He is working and I am studying however I have always had complications with studying and working due to a few other problems but mostly not being able to feel comfortable around other people.
I know this is not going to sound right and I apologise but my head and my thoughts are never ending and I freeze and can not speak to anyone and am so insecure however when I drink I am a differant person. I can speak my mind and I feel like a better person and a lot more confident within myself.
I do not know any other way to cope and I believe it helps and if someone is happy than it should not be taken from than especially when there are not many other chances.
These are not excuses these are my methods of coping which (trust me) are much better than my past methods.
If I didn't drink I believe I would be dead today.
I do not have a child no, I have had two miscarriages recently which led me back to drinking and the first pregnancy I had (long story) best to say complications with and it stopped at 5 months. I have always wanted to be a mother and dealing with the loss of not only two miscarriages but my first pregnancy as well as many other numerous problems involving my family who I do not have contact with and my ex make me believe that alcohol is the answer.
I am not going to let myself put alcohol before my partner I love him however when he is drinking the same and is living his life well I find it hard to believe the alcohol is causing more damage than good.

[ibizan]

you made me think of a few lousy excuses i also had.....i have two college degrees....I have this good job.....i don't miss work...oh i might go hungover and feeling like a truck ran over me and my head is pounding away but i do show up...and so what if i smoke half a joint b4 work....at least i'm not drinking in the morning....pot is different..its not a drug..its a herb!a herb with over 258 chemical compounds and only 58 can be identified as having specific effects on the body!what a trip down rationalization lane!:)

[narla]

I was forever making excuses to drink and not feel guilty,my favourite tv show was on,I've had a hard day,the football is on,my team won,my team lost,it's christmas,it's my birthday,it's mothers day,it's easter,it's a long weekend,I would find a reason to drink every night,then I was drinking alone in my room,finally the liver damage,no more reason to drink,all I had were reasons to stop,it took 34 years of abusing alcohol.Health problems will happen.

Denise

[ibizan]

such good comments u make!so glad your here!And there are the weekend warrior drinkers......drink themselves silly on friday and saturday and pay for it on Sunday then pull themselves together for a work week and live for the weekend when they can repeat the previous weekend...rationalizing it saying well i don't drink in the morning...i don't drink during the week.....i don't drink at nite after work.....i go to work...my works not affected.....I could write a book on that!30 days is way cool!keep it up and stick with the forum..your insights are on target and very much appreciated here!:)