A big trip looms

[sierrasong]

Hi all.  I hope you're having a great weekend.  I'm headed off to a big (17 day) trip that I wish I never had opted to go on.  It will be the "trip of a lifetime" in many ways, but my anticipatory anxiety has just hit me like a ton of bricks.  I've been doing ok until today when I just started the panic attacks.  I can't eat, sleep or even think straight.  I used to travel a lot and love it (except for the plane trip which is a huge phobia for me) but as I get older, I seem to enjoy it less and less.  Paradoxically, once I get to my destination, I'm usually ok...it's the anticipatory stuff that just kills me.

Any kind support would be sooooo gratefully - thanks!

MT

[barfer]

Enjoy the bar and hats off to you for even taking a plane.  Too bad about the turbulence, but hey, look on the bright side, you didn't barf all over your shoes.  Unfortunately, it is suppose to rain all day tomorrow, so consider going to Eaton Centre to shop.  Ask the concierge what he suggests.  Also, Toronto has an extensive underground shopping complex.  You can go from Bloor Street right down to the train station all underground.  Take a look at some of the recommendations I gave you in my email to you.  I hope you have a great time in my city.  Watch out for Roger especially because you are vulnerable after coming off a horrendous flight!  lol

[sierrasong]

Hopefully, he will be the man of my dreams and will NOT be found three sheets to the wind in the bar/lounge car.

A girl can dream.

M

[sierrasong]

In Toronto!!!  It was a hellish day in the skies as every thunder storm conspired to get in our way and require that the crews be strapped in for most of the trip.  When someone one mentions "bad turbulence" in my presence, I lose what little mind I have left. I'm now officially brainless.

So, after having left nail marks in the arms of the airplane seats, I am finally on land and, since I didn't eat all day, I'm starving.  So...the first order of business is to thank you all for your wonderful support.  I feel like I've been dragged through a knothole backwards, but that bar downstairs is calling my name.  

I'll post my travelogue in my journal on my profile page so as not to gum up the works on this main page.

Thank you all, so much!

Marsha

[JSGeare]

Roger, as in "Roger and over," "Roger and out." 10-4?

Roger, 10-4.

[barfer]

He could be the guy in the bar car.  lol

[sierrasong]

And what's he doing in my nightmare???  Arrrrgggghhhhh...

[JSGeare]

"Mission Control" is standing by, channels open. Roger?

-S

[sierrasong]

Eeeewww...I just finally got around to Googling geoduck (which I find is pronounced gooey duck.  You weren't kiddin' about the looonnnnngggg siphon.  I may pass on ordering this delicacy and suggest they send my portion to China asap.

My dad was a physician who contracted for Southern Pacific and we traveled everywhere on the trains (in the sunset years of the Pullman Age), so I know I'll enjoy that part.  I will be in the bar car and raise one for you all.

I especially liked your killer green bean.  You should see my micro mini tomatoes.  Just think how they will have grown when I return!  Contrary to popular opinion, you CAN grow tomatoes at 6200' elevation!

Time for the final dose of Xanax and off to bed, perhance to sleep (with apologies to Will).  I'll be boring you all the way across Canada - thanks in advance for your forbearance!

Marsha

[barfer]

Hi!  Barfer here!  There is something I didn't tell you in our private messages.  When I took my trip to Florida, I was in constant contact with JSGeare.  He would never tell you that but now I am telling everyone because he was such a help to me.  I felt that Scott and Heather were with me for the whole journey.  The other thing you must remember, crossing Canada is the equivalent of drinking light beer.  It's got great taste and looks beautiful but doesn't pack the punch that a full bodied beer does.  In other words, Canada in general, is a beautiful country and we are known for being polite and courteous of others.  Also, no other country really takes us seriously enough to want to bomb us.  We are just a bunch of people trying to keep a low profile so no one will know what a great place this is to live.  I hope you will be able to relax and enjoy.  Hey, if you go to the lounge car (we refer to it as the bar car) while on the train, you may even meet the man of your dreams (or in the morning your nightmares).  After a few drinks on a train, everyone can seem to look great!  All kidding aside, you've got my number, don't hesitate to use it.  

[JSGeare]

Trust me, Marsha, there are people across this great land who carry my phone number to this day -just IN CASE. And that's great news about your friend. Forget everything I said about all the good things to look forward to, and just consider the shared experience with someone who cares for you and accepts you. And, in answer to the question about where you can go on a train after 10 PM: the lounge car, that's where. And you'll meet all the others who are wondering what to do with themselves at that hour. Been there, done that. Wasn't so bad, if memory serves.

Look, girl, give yourself a couple of face-slaps, pour a martini and get ON with this thing. You are going to have a great time. Photo editing, eh? Check out the photos on my profile page -especially the big turtle. Very nice cheating, I should think. There are some other amusements there, as well. Enjoy.

Well, enough for now. Prepare yourself for the excitement headed your way. And before you ORDER and geoduck -you may want to Google it.

By the way -been to the Pike Street market (Seattle)? If not -it is a definte MUST. On with you now!

[sierrasong]

Oh - I forgot to answer your question JS.  I will be traveling with a dear friend (we are both currently single ladies who do lots of traveling together).  She is a great friend.  You know why?  She tries so hard to understand my anxiety and panic disorder.  She holds my hand when there's turbulence, put up with my irritability before trips and never, ever judges me for it.  That is the truest kind of friendship,  We may drive each other crazy at times, but we're there for each other when the chips are down.  

I guess that's a definition of a "safe" person, no?

[sierrasong]

Wow.  I just got home from church to find all your wonderful responses.  (And, I notice, some typos in my long post - it was a pre-publication version - not a final edit.  Sorry!)  I will post some photos in my profile from my Europe trip in just a little bit - just to prove I really was there.  Photography (and photo editing) is a serious hobby of mine.  I find when I let my right brain take over, and live in a creative space, it gives me respite, however brief, from the screaming anxiety which seems to be generated  or at least amplified by the left brain.

Thank you Steve for the stats.  My intellect gets it, but my emotions? Not so much.  But it helps to be reminded.  I will look for geoduck (??), JS and won't take, "No, sorry, we're fresh out.  Sent it all to the far east just last week!" for an answer.  

Can't promise about the 10 PM part, except perhaps on the three day Toronto to Jasper leg of the trip. I mean, where can you go on a train at 10 PM except to bed?

Marsha
Who is trying desperately to hold onto her sense of humor.  The Xanax is helping in this respect.

[Steve1906]

Hello MT, I feel your anxiety I'm just like you!!! Here are some numbers I think will make you feel a little better.
                                           dds of being involved in a fatal accident
Odds of being on an airline flight which results in at least one fatality Odds of being killed on a single airline flight
Top 25 airlines with the best records
1 in 6.06 million   Top 25 airlines with the best records
1 in 10.46 million
Bottom 25 with the worst records
1 in 546,011 Bottom 25 with the worst records
1 in 723,819

Source: OAGback Aviation Solutions & PlaneCrashInfo.com accident database, 1988 - 2007
I hope you have a wonderful trip and I think taking a laptop is a great Idea.
Let me know when you get back
:) :) :) :) :)

[JSGeare]

At first I thought you were going to Florence, which would be great because you long for jolly old England. Well, in summer, half the Italians got to Switzerland and the others go to England, and all the English go to Italy -so that would really work.

But no -you're doing the cool northwest thing. MAY you share? If you don't do so, I'll have to show up in Vancouver and interview you. By the way, while you're there, see if anyone can serve you some geoduck -a calm with a HUGE siphon. Most of it goes to oriental countries or restaurants -its actually hard to find, even though BC harvests a ton of the stuff.

Now I get it -I really DO get it about day after day of you-know-what and I think the abandonment themes of childhood and (evidently) marriage pretty well cleaved to whatever your make-up is, and - well, there you are. But you KNOW that, so there is some hope to recover more than you already have.

You don't say anything about traveling WITH anyone -what's the deal with that? If alone, how come, when you don't like the away from home travel. If WITH someone, can, I hope, there be any support for you there?

Since we're all taking this little tour together, maybe you'll take a digital camera and post your photos on your profile so we can all follow along. In any case, know this: there will be many who are with you on this trip. Be in by 10PM. NO exceptions.

[sierrasong]

Thanks to you all for your comments, they give me a great deal of comfort. I wrote a piece about my disease and planned trip for another venue...I hope you don't mind if I post it here.  I'm not going to Las Vegas (I live in Nevada, but the the northern, habitable part) or Virginia (although I used to go there every summer for what I termed the 'humidity festival' with my ex).  Here are the details:

I adore Florence.  I loved Rome.  I long to be in England.  I love to travel but hate to leave home.  That sounds like a contradiction, but for me, it really isn’t.  In a few days I’ll be leaving on the “trip of a lifetime” and I’m so anxious about the whole thing I’d rather just stay home.  I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder with panic attacks and I’ve fought it all my life, but I don’t let it stop me.  I had to correct that last sentence because the first time I typed it, it came out “try not to let it stop me.”  How I talk to myself is so important in combating this disease.

  
Panic has been a part of my life for nearly as long as I can remember, but unless you know me well, you probably wouldn’t know it.  It’s my dirty little secret; a condition I’m deeply ashamed of.  I feel broken and defective that I am swamped by anxiety rather than buoyed by excitement like other ‘normal’ people.  I go to great lengths to mask my fears but when a trip such as the one I’m embarking upon on Monday looms, it becomes very hard to hide.  Even in today’s relatively enlightened environment, mental illnesses carry a huge stigma.  It’s also a disease that ebbs and flows.  I go through fairly long periods when I am relatively symptom free except when faced with large chunks of unstructured time.  Over the years, thanks to having earned a black belt in therapy and the judicious use of medication, I’ve learned how to get through the dark days, but it is absolutely exhausting and soul-draining.  And the worst part?  It is a fickle disease.  Just when you think, “Wow, I’m feeling great!  I know I’ll never feel that bad again,” whammo – panic will strike you out of the blue.  

  
For me, mornings are the worst:

  
I wake unwillingly,

Preferring to stay asleep under the cover of oblivion.

Consciousness insists on plugging my nerves into the electrical outlet that is morning.

The cord is frayed and the wires bare and dangerous.

I spend the day winding electrical tape around my ragged nerves,

Trying to contain the angry blue sparks they emit.

At night, I slump exhausted to bed.

The current has abated, leaving a burnt out shell of the day.

And the greatest betrayal of all?

Even though the lights have been lowered and the glare of pain recedes for the night,

I will be forced to endure it again soon enough.

The switch will be flipped again and a new electric chair morning will arrive.

How I pray for a power failure…

  
Of course I’ve spend hours and countless therapeutic dollars delving deep into my core to ascertain the origins of my fears.  I’ve come to think that it’s probably a classic case of nature and nurture.  I am wired for it and my upbringing triggered it.  Adopted, abused, abandoned.  These things can create fear in a child and carve it deep into the neurons of the brain and create a hole that can never be filled no matter how hard one tries.  

  
So what is it about traveling?  On Monday, I’ll begin a 16 day journey, flying to Toronto, visiting Niagara Falls, taking the train across Canada from Toronto to Jasper, visiting the Columbia Ice Fields, Banff and Lake Louise.  From there, we’ll take the Rocky Mountaineer train trip to Vancouver, switch to a ferry and spend a few days in Victoria before flying home from Seattle. Like I said, trip of a lifetime, no?  Yes and no.  

  
I am terrified of flying, yet I make myself do it.  Two years ago, I spent three weeks in Europe.  I saw all the wonders that I had taught countless 6th grade social studies students about: the Sistine Chapel and the Coliseum.  I visited lovely Florence, and scalding hot Spain and Sardinia and Mallorca. I saw the coast of north Africa and shoppped in the outdoor market in Nice.  I wandered the winding country roads of England and had the time of my life.  On our last day in England, we woke up on Oxford and turned on the TV.  It was the day that the terrorist arrests were made.  The country was in a state of panic (as was I), Heathrow was closed and we were due to fly back the next day.  We made it home, but it was the ordeal of a lifetime which capped off that trip of a lifetime.  I have beautiful photographs and memories which inspire me to leave the safety of my home and explore the world again.  For that is what is at the root of this, I think – safety of familiar places and faces versus the siren call of the unknown.  The eternal push/pull war in my psyche.

  
So, clothes are piled all over, suitcases litter the floor and I’m nearly paralyzed by fear. But they’ll get packed and I’ll be driven to the airport feeling somewhat like Marie Anotinette on her way to the guillotine.  My friend Monica's wishes of "traveling mercies" will be ringing in my ears and I'll be off into another big adventure.  I’m taking my laptop and, as I always do, will journal as I go.  May I share it with you all?    

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

great ideals JS.

[JSGeare]

Don't go telling me the trip is to Vegas or I'll come out there and do Elvis impersonations.

17 days sounds like basically 3 days coming and going and 2 weeks being wherever it is you are going. Tell me its Virginia and I'll give you my 50 cent tour. But I'm thinking the Meditterranean or maybe the Caribbean or maybe even India or Japan.

Some of the arrows in your quivver you need to cope are already there: you've done the airplane thing, so you kinda know the procedure. Its like shampoo: Apply. Rinse. Repeat. And I think that with age (something I HAVE experience with) we all sort of say, "What the hell, I'd just as soon stay home." I've been a lot of places, but really, I like my backyard and little 2 acre Eden just fine. If I go to the Acropolis, I'm just going to stare at the Parthenon and wonder how my tomatoes and fish are doing. Besides, I need to be cutting firewood for the winter. Bejing? Yawn.

But try this: ask yourself what it would take for the trip to be more exciting and interesting than terrifying. If you could change one or two things, what would they be?  (And not going is not a choice). If you can do that, you might help isolate the real triggers, so you know what to focus on in terms of getting a grip. Maybe it IS the plane trip. Well, this is why they tell you that for just $1.00 more, you can have a double shot of vodka in that pre-flight bloody mary. Or take along the travel version of Scabble. Or get your friendly local doctor to give you some fast-acting sedatives and zone out for the trip.

In addition to isolation of triggers and el quicko "fixes," projection can help. Whenever you think about getting ON the plane, think as well about stepping OFF to wherever it is you are going. Mentally project yourself into the pleasurable portions of the excursion. And if you care to tell us where you are going, you might find some folks here who have "been there and done that" and can tell you places you "must" go and things you "must" see and a little more about what to expect.

Or this: I don't care if you are going on a photo-shoot of the first outhouse in the antarctic, there WILL be internet access. And so, you "take us along." Continue to log in (even from the plane!) and tell us what's happening. If you are especially close to or friendly with anyone in particular here on the forum (or anywhere, really) then make it your business to keep a journal using private emails to that person or people -describing both the scenery and situations and activities -and your feelings. Trust me, you won't be the first to have done so, and,-trust me again- it helps.

That help?

[scaredjo]

hiya i hate flying too (i normally cry all the way there) and going away cause i feel im leaving my safety behind, but anxiety and panic ruins enough things in life so dont let it ruin a holiday to. im goin on hol in sept and am dreading it but i might as well worry in the heat by the pool than at home in the rain. so enjoy yourself dont let panic rule your whole life and have a brill time :-)