I know that my risk for acquiring HIV was not even a low risk, it was no risk.
Despite reassurances from the doctors and moderators on this forum AND a HIV counselor I still cannot shake this feeling of worry and anxiety. I'm currently seeing a therapist and she is trying to frame my irrational fear of acquiring HIV in a different light. Rather than looking at it as a single event or exposure, to look at it as a cycle of me punishing myself for low/no risk encounters as if they were high risk encounters.
Why am I doing this? I'm not sure, yet. Perhaps I will never know. I do know that this year has been the most difficult one for me in a long time, emotionally and psychologically. I ended an eight year relationship and have been depressed and feeling guilty about it.
To be specific, the event that is the focus of my current anxiety is a mutual masturbation encounter I had with a woman through Craigslist. Despite reassurances from people who know WAY more about HIV and transmission that this was NO RISK, I still find myself going through the whole 'what if' scenario. I know, totally stupid and pointless. I even contacted her after the event and she told me that she had tested negative for HIV a month ago. She's had partners since then but said that they were all protected. Thus, the chances she even had HIV to begin with are tiny tiny tiny tiny. Not even worth thinking about. That combined with the fact that mutual masturbation is NO RISK (and yes, I imagined all types of what-ifs including, what if I had a cut on my finger that I didn't notice..) still guess what, NO RISK.
To that end I'm no longer navigating to the HIV Expert or Community forums on this site. I think that focusing my energies on dealing with my OCD/Anxiety/Depression is much more productive.
Has anyone else dealt with similar issues? If so, did you have success in managing your anxiety?
I'd like to avoid medication as this isn't a persistent issue.. Yes, it's quite strong right now and lasting days, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.