Aa
Anxiety Denial
Hi everyone,
I drop by here occasionally but rarely post anything this is because I was convinced that I didn't have anxiety but instead had an undiagnosed serious illness.
My story starts back in February when I gave birth to my first (and last!) son, a day after delivery I didn't feel too well and my midwife thought that I had a uterine infection. This then started me worrying about my heart as I had read in the past that infections can damage your heart. I kind of freaked out and one of the GPs from the local surgery came to see me and because I was delerious and had a high temperature he then admitted me to the local maternity hospital so that they could begin me on IV antibiotics. I was starting to experience chest pain which I failed to mention to anyone as I have suffered from chest pain in the past and it was through anxiety.
After a day of being on IV antibiotics I collapsed at the hospital and when I came around I had the worst headache I have ever had in my life. They transferred me to the general medical hospital and this is where I mentioned the chestpain. They did an ecg and said that it was not my heart. They admitted me to intensive care for observation and I had two head CTs to rule out a blood clot, they tested my bloods for everything but everything was coming back fine apart from my white blood count which was due to the infection. I stayed in ICU for four days and I collapsed once more, I was hooked up to a heart monitor and my heartrate went from 58 to 162 when I collapsed.
Anyway ICU were happy that there was nothing that wrong with me so they sent me back to recuperate at the maternity hospital, my newborn was still there too as he had an umbilical infection and severe jaundice. I stayed there for 5 days and during this time they sent me for a chest CT as i was experiencing constant chest pain which radiated through to my back, the CT came back as normal. They also ordered an MRI of my head, this came back stating that i had brain lesions. I collapsed again that day and when I came to I had a tight band feeling around my chest and a stabbing pain in the heart area. This is when they sent me back to the general hospital as they were not really set up for anything other than maternity.
Once back at the general hospital I was seen by a young female doctor in the A and E dept who bluntly said to me 'You will have to learn to live with this pain, it is not your heart and you should be reassured by this'. Anyway they admitted me and I was kept on the observation ward for 10 days, during this time nothing was done for me apart from an abdominal ultrasound. I was still collapsing though so they then sent me up to Kings College in London to the Neurology Dept to perform and EEG as they were interested in my brain lesions, they are apparently not that common in 27yr olds. I stayed there for 5 days, the EEG findings were normal and despite me begging and pleading for a Cardiology referral they wouldn't give me one as an in patient. I was totally convinced that I had a heart problem. I had chest pain, chest burning, burning pins and needles up my arms, an erratic pulse rate, freezing feet, poorer circulation etc etc.
Anyway, after a month in hospital I was sent home. I was far from satisfied and was convinced that they had missed something, my symptoms were getting worse and no one was listening to me. They were saying that the pain was of an un organic origin. Over the next two weeks I had two ambulances to the local A and E and also begged my husband to drive me into the A and E a further to two times. Each time they rans the troponin blood test, d-dimer blood test and performed an ECG and chest X-Ray. All of them were normal.
I think that I managed to stay out of hospital for about another week and my husband took me to see a private cardiologist who ordered a 48hr ecg monitor, Echo and another ECG. They all came back as normal and cost us a whopping £1400 to be told that there was nothing wrong with my heart and it didn't little to reassure me.
The crunch finally came onone Sunday, I begged my husband to take me to hospital as I was dying which he did. They performed the usual tests and said that there was nothing wrong with me and sent me on my way. I then got home and begged my husband to take me to another hospital as I really was dying and was not making it up. He did it in the end and they did blood tests and that was it and said that my heart was fine. I refused to leave the hospital and asked for them to admit me which they wouldn't do as I was healthy so say they. I them begged for them to section me as I couldn't go home, they wouldn't section me as I wasn't mental apparently. In the end I volunatarily put myself in their psychiatric ward with the real nutters and they kicked me out in the morning as I wasn't mental. I wasn't sick but I wasn't mental either. I got home on the Monday morning and begged my husband to take me to yet another hospital in the end he did as I was going crazy at home. They admitted me for 5 days and I had a chest X Ray, Echo and a stress test where my heart rate went up to 184 bpm just walking for 9 minutes.
After 5 days I was accepted into a Mother and Baby unit where I could be with my baby. They were saying that it was all anxiety and that there was nothing wrong with me. Whilst at the unit i pretty much spent the whole time arguing that there was something wrong with me and that it had been missed and that I wasn't anxious. During this time the pain started to evolve as a tearing pain running down the center of my abdomen from sternum to my groin, i had also developed night sweats. This is when I moved from my heart to my aorta, I had a dissected aorta and everyone was just going to let me die. I then paid for an ultrasound of my aorta and was told that the bit they could see on the scan was perfect and not dissected at all. I didn't believe this though as it was the wrong test and what I needed was CT scan.
I stayed in the clinic for 5 weeks and had some CBT whilst there which helped me a little, my therapist says that I have a health anxiety, of course I disagree with him. WHen I got home I paid to see a private GP who referred me for a CT of my Chest, Upper Abdomen and Pelvis. I knew that this would be the test that would show up my Aorta problem. The results came back and again they had missed it but the scan managed to pick up Thymic tissue in the midstenum, ovarian cysts and an enlarged uterous.
The scan was two weeks ago and I still think that there is something wrong with my aorta and that it has been missed and that I am going to die. I am living in constant fear and I feel so alone that I am just being left to die and that no one will believe me. My symptoms never go despite the fact that I am calm with it now rather than freaking out. I have no normal life and to be honest I am not really living. I know that nothing can help me, there are no more tests to be done, the NHS has said that it is psycho symatic and I have used all of our saving on private doctors and tests only to not believe the doctors and i have had zero reassurance that the tests have come back normal.
Can anyone relate to the above, if so do you have any advice on how I can move forward, I think about constantly and it is ruining my life and probably my marriage.
Many thanks and apologies for the length of the post
Sam
I drop by here occasionally but rarely post anything this is because I was convinced that I didn't have anxiety but instead had an undiagnosed serious illness.
My story starts back in February when I gave birth to my first (and last!) son, a day after delivery I didn't feel too well and my midwife thought that I had a uterine infection. This then started me worrying about my heart as I had read in the past that infections can damage your heart. I kind of freaked out and one of the GPs from the local surgery came to see me and because I was delerious and had a high temperature he then admitted me to the local maternity hospital so that they could begin me on IV antibiotics. I was starting to experience chest pain which I failed to mention to anyone as I have suffered from chest pain in the past and it was through anxiety.
After a day of being on IV antibiotics I collapsed at the hospital and when I came around I had the worst headache I have ever had in my life. They transferred me to the general medical hospital and this is where I mentioned the chestpain. They did an ecg and said that it was not my heart. They admitted me to intensive care for observation and I had two head CTs to rule out a blood clot, they tested my bloods for everything but everything was coming back fine apart from my white blood count which was due to the infection. I stayed in ICU for four days and I collapsed once more, I was hooked up to a heart monitor and my heartrate went from 58 to 162 when I collapsed.
Anyway ICU were happy that there was nothing that wrong with me so they sent me back to recuperate at the maternity hospital, my newborn was still there too as he had an umbilical infection and severe jaundice. I stayed there for 5 days and during this time they sent me for a chest CT as i was experiencing constant chest pain which radiated through to my back, the CT came back as normal. They also ordered an MRI of my head, this came back stating that i had brain lesions. I collapsed again that day and when I came to I had a tight band feeling around my chest and a stabbing pain in the heart area. This is when they sent me back to the general hospital as they were not really set up for anything other than maternity.
Once back at the general hospital I was seen by a young female doctor in the A and E dept who bluntly said to me 'You will have to learn to live with this pain, it is not your heart and you should be reassured by this'. Anyway they admitted me and I was kept on the observation ward for 10 days, during this time nothing was done for me apart from an abdominal ultrasound. I was still collapsing though so they then sent me up to Kings College in London to the Neurology Dept to perform and EEG as they were interested in my brain lesions, they are apparently not that common in 27yr olds. I stayed there for 5 days, the EEG findings were normal and despite me begging and pleading for a Cardiology referral they wouldn't give me one as an in patient. I was totally convinced that I had a heart problem. I had chest pain, chest burning, burning pins and needles up my arms, an erratic pulse rate, freezing feet, poorer circulation etc etc.
Anyway, after a month in hospital I was sent home. I was far from satisfied and was convinced that they had missed something, my symptoms were getting worse and no one was listening to me. They were saying that the pain was of an un organic origin. Over the next two weeks I had two ambulances to the local A and E and also begged my husband to drive me into the A and E a further to two times. Each time they rans the troponin blood test, d-dimer blood test and performed an ECG and chest X-Ray. All of them were normal.
I think that I managed to stay out of hospital for about another week and my husband took me to see a private cardiologist who ordered a 48hr ecg monitor, Echo and another ECG. They all came back as normal and cost us a whopping £1400 to be told that there was nothing wrong with my heart and it didn't little to reassure me.
The crunch finally came onone Sunday, I begged my husband to take me to hospital as I was dying which he did. They performed the usual tests and said that there was nothing wrong with me and sent me on my way. I then got home and begged my husband to take me to another hospital as I really was dying and was not making it up. He did it in the end and they did blood tests and that was it and said that my heart was fine. I refused to leave the hospital and asked for them to admit me which they wouldn't do as I was healthy so say they. I them begged for them to section me as I couldn't go home, they wouldn't section me as I wasn't mental apparently. In the end I volunatarily put myself in their psychiatric ward with the real nutters and they kicked me out in the morning as I wasn't mental. I wasn't sick but I wasn't mental either. I got home on the Monday morning and begged my husband to take me to yet another hospital in the end he did as I was going crazy at home. They admitted me for 5 days and I had a chest X Ray, Echo and a stress test where my heart rate went up to 184 bpm just walking for 9 minutes.
After 5 days I was accepted into a Mother and Baby unit where I could be with my baby. They were saying that it was all anxiety and that there was nothing wrong with me. Whilst at the unit i pretty much spent the whole time arguing that there was something wrong with me and that it had been missed and that I wasn't anxious. During this time the pain started to evolve as a tearing pain running down the center of my abdomen from sternum to my groin, i had also developed night sweats. This is when I moved from my heart to my aorta, I had a dissected aorta and everyone was just going to let me die. I then paid for an ultrasound of my aorta and was told that the bit they could see on the scan was perfect and not dissected at all. I didn't believe this though as it was the wrong test and what I needed was CT scan.
I stayed in the clinic for 5 weeks and had some CBT whilst there which helped me a little, my therapist says that I have a health anxiety, of course I disagree with him. WHen I got home I paid to see a private GP who referred me for a CT of my Chest, Upper Abdomen and Pelvis. I knew that this would be the test that would show up my Aorta problem. The results came back and again they had missed it but the scan managed to pick up Thymic tissue in the midstenum, ovarian cysts and an enlarged uterous.
The scan was two weeks ago and I still think that there is something wrong with my aorta and that it has been missed and that I am going to die. I am living in constant fear and I feel so alone that I am just being left to die and that no one will believe me. My symptoms never go despite the fact that I am calm with it now rather than freaking out. I have no normal life and to be honest I am not really living. I know that nothing can help me, there are no more tests to be done, the NHS has said that it is psycho symatic and I have used all of our saving on private doctors and tests only to not believe the doctors and i have had zero reassurance that the tests have come back normal.
Can anyone relate to the above, if so do you have any advice on how I can move forward, I think about constantly and it is ruining my life and probably my marriage.
Many thanks and apologies for the length of the post
Sam
there is a very old and free group that will teach you a method to help you with your "symptoms"www.****.***. It never fails to helpand get your life back.
That's great news that you are making progress. Does your buggy/pram have a wrist strap? If you put this on, even if you collapsed the buggy wouldn't go anywhere.
I'm so glad you are enjoying your son. This is a special time that you won't get again.
You will get better and better, I'm convinced of it.
I'm so glad you are enjoying your son. This is a special time that you won't get again.
You will get better and better, I'm convinced of it.
Many thanks for your comments.
I am indeed on drugs - Duloxetine 60mg, Olanzapine 5mg and Inderal 180mg. I haven't really seen any benefit from them apart from the Inderal which has slowed my heartrate down.
I suffered with an Anxiety period four years ago where I was experiencing chest pain and convinced myself that I was dying and ended up in hospital for a week where they concluded that it was not by heart but anxiety. Since then I have always managed to spot the signs before the situation gets out of control and pull myself out of it whereas this time nothing seems to help.
I am a little better than what I was. At one point I wasn't eating and I wasn't sleeping as I thought that I would die that night in my sleep. I now don't think that I am going to die imminently at any point. The CBT helped me test myself, before the CBT I would barely move as I thought I would die, I even went as far as to not drink too much so that I wouldn't have to move to go to the toilet! I can now go out for short walks but I haven't done this by myself yet. I am so scared that something bad will happen and am petrified that it might happen whilst I am alone with my baby and that the pushchair will go into the road when I collapse and that my baby will too die.
I have been referred on the NHS for CBT locally but there is a two year waiting list and I am hoping that in two years time i'll be somewhat better and will not need CBT for this! We are unable to pay for it privately as I have used all of our savings on private medical tests!
I am a fairly intelligent person and logic tells me that this is anxiety but the anxiety tells me that it is physical and not mental!
I have a really good relationship with my baby, I absolutely love him to bits and am just petrified that I will not be here to see him grow up and scared that if I were to die then he wouldn't remember me.
I have spent far too much time looking up life threatening conditions rather than anxiety and have given myself more symptoms. I am also a serial symptom checker. I constantly take my pulse (I am trying to cut this out) and check by body for possible vascular symptoms ie; small veins, poor circulation etc etc The symptoms never tell me that I have just had a baby and my body is different, instead they tell me that I am dying.
I can see that this is anxiety but it doesn't make the symptoms go away despite the fact that I am putting in so much effort. It is all just a complete mess!
I am indeed on drugs - Duloxetine 60mg, Olanzapine 5mg and Inderal 180mg. I haven't really seen any benefit from them apart from the Inderal which has slowed my heartrate down.
I suffered with an Anxiety period four years ago where I was experiencing chest pain and convinced myself that I was dying and ended up in hospital for a week where they concluded that it was not by heart but anxiety. Since then I have always managed to spot the signs before the situation gets out of control and pull myself out of it whereas this time nothing seems to help.
I am a little better than what I was. At one point I wasn't eating and I wasn't sleeping as I thought that I would die that night in my sleep. I now don't think that I am going to die imminently at any point. The CBT helped me test myself, before the CBT I would barely move as I thought I would die, I even went as far as to not drink too much so that I wouldn't have to move to go to the toilet! I can now go out for short walks but I haven't done this by myself yet. I am so scared that something bad will happen and am petrified that it might happen whilst I am alone with my baby and that the pushchair will go into the road when I collapse and that my baby will too die.
I have been referred on the NHS for CBT locally but there is a two year waiting list and I am hoping that in two years time i'll be somewhat better and will not need CBT for this! We are unable to pay for it privately as I have used all of our savings on private medical tests!
I am a fairly intelligent person and logic tells me that this is anxiety but the anxiety tells me that it is physical and not mental!
I have a really good relationship with my baby, I absolutely love him to bits and am just petrified that I will not be here to see him grow up and scared that if I were to die then he wouldn't remember me.
I have spent far too much time looking up life threatening conditions rather than anxiety and have given myself more symptoms. I am also a serial symptom checker. I constantly take my pulse (I am trying to cut this out) and check by body for possible vascular symptoms ie; small veins, poor circulation etc etc The symptoms never tell me that I have just had a baby and my body is different, instead they tell me that I am dying.
I can see that this is anxiety but it doesn't make the symptoms go away despite the fact that I am putting in so much effort. It is all just a complete mess!
Have you been prescribed anti-depressants? How is your relationship with your baby? It is a funny time. A new baby can muck up your hormones and it sounds like you had some health "scares" that have not amounted to anything but made you very focussed on your body.
I can totally relate to your experience and have learnt over time some of the clues to when I am slipping into a major "episode" and need medication. One is the paranoia ie when I start thinking a doctor is lying to me or keeping something from me or missing something, others signs are become a complete bore, unable to talk or think about anything other than myself, letting the housework go completely, and poor sleeping and eating.
Be kind to yourself, try to laugh every day. Are you looking forward to anything?
Good luck
I can totally relate to your experience and have learnt over time some of the clues to when I am slipping into a major "episode" and need medication. One is the paranoia ie when I start thinking a doctor is lying to me or keeping something from me or missing something, others signs are become a complete bore, unable to talk or think about anything other than myself, letting the housework go completely, and poor sleeping and eating.
Be kind to yourself, try to laugh every day. Are you looking forward to anything?
Good luck
I can relate. I have been to and from hospitals in my late teens and early twenties for heart problem...the tests always came back normal, although I was convinced I too was dying.
I also experienced shortness of breath, and odd feelings in my head that convinced me I had a tumor. I always felt something was wrong. Once I was treated for Anxiety Disorder with SSRI medications I felt enormous relief in my anxiety. There are other alternatives to SSRI's (I am currently seeking information on alternatives).
The worst part of my experience was feeling so lost in the moment of panic and anxiety - that nothing could slow my mind down, and relax me.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone - I also sought treatment for physical illness that were apparently not present. You will get through this - the worst time period for me was after my daughter's birth.
The post-delivery trauma you experienced physically may have set off an internal alarm in your mind that is having a difficult time calming itself. That isn't uncommon after difficult deliveries or post-delivery emergencies. A part of you may be in mourning over the disapointment of your birth experience, as it was unlikely what you imagined it would be. That can be really hard for us to get through.
You will get through this, and know you are not crazy or alone!
I also experienced shortness of breath, and odd feelings in my head that convinced me I had a tumor. I always felt something was wrong. Once I was treated for Anxiety Disorder with SSRI medications I felt enormous relief in my anxiety. There are other alternatives to SSRI's (I am currently seeking information on alternatives).
The worst part of my experience was feeling so lost in the moment of panic and anxiety - that nothing could slow my mind down, and relax me.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone - I also sought treatment for physical illness that were apparently not present. You will get through this - the worst time period for me was after my daughter's birth.
The post-delivery trauma you experienced physically may have set off an internal alarm in your mind that is having a difficult time calming itself. That isn't uncommon after difficult deliveries or post-delivery emergencies. A part of you may be in mourning over the disapointment of your birth experience, as it was unlikely what you imagined it would be. That can be really hard for us to get through.
You will get through this, and know you are not crazy or alone!
I think you hit the nail on the head with the title to your question.... Anxiety Denial.
I am by no means an expert on anxiety, health or anything else, but it seems to me that after the numerous tests you have had that had anything been wrong they would have found it.
I believe your next step would be to see a counselor, psychiatrists, etc. You mentioned the CBT helped, so try to find someone who specializes in that. IMO, had it been a medical issue the CBT would not have helped you, even in a small way.
Having a baby is a strain on your mind and body. Anxiety comes from out of the blue for many, but with therapy and possibly medication, you may be able to find the source and be on the road to healing.
Anxiety makes you feel like you are alone, that nobody understands you, that you are going crazy, that you are dying, and the list goes on. It is amazing the actual "feelings" you have stemming from the little word anxiety.
Please, keep us informed and read other posts. Everyone here has had something you mentioned and all fight the same battle. We are here to reassure each other and support each other.
Keep us informed....
Elizabeth
I am by no means an expert on anxiety, health or anything else, but it seems to me that after the numerous tests you have had that had anything been wrong they would have found it.
I believe your next step would be to see a counselor, psychiatrists, etc. You mentioned the CBT helped, so try to find someone who specializes in that. IMO, had it been a medical issue the CBT would not have helped you, even in a small way.
Having a baby is a strain on your mind and body. Anxiety comes from out of the blue for many, but with therapy and possibly medication, you may be able to find the source and be on the road to healing.
Anxiety makes you feel like you are alone, that nobody understands you, that you are going crazy, that you are dying, and the list goes on. It is amazing the actual "feelings" you have stemming from the little word anxiety.
Please, keep us informed and read other posts. Everyone here has had something you mentioned and all fight the same battle. We are here to reassure each other and support each other.
Keep us informed....
Elizabeth
hi sam,im so sorryt o hear ur going thru such a horrible time.i just thought id write u and let u know that im going thru the exact same thing as urself.mine started a yr and a half ago.i was just sitting calmly watching telly and bang i got this horrble scary feeling thru my body ,fast heart beat everything ,chest pain u name it i got the lot.anyway since that ive been to all of the hospitals in northern ireland and all my tests came bk clear.but that didnt convince me so i also paid private and now im still waiting on a 7 day hook up monitor from a private doctor,lol, i know they read the file and thin oh here wee go the mad woman again.i also went to a physcatric clinic who told me i wasnt mentally ill that i have health related anxiety but i still have it in my head sometimes that there wrong.
sam all i can say is that it will pass with the right thearapy and maybe medication to help u along .im in this charity now called no panic which has helped me alot,its a tenner to be a member for a yr and they have a nd do so much for u like 24 hr telephone helpline and telephone recovery programmes were there is a group of about 9 10 ppl all online and u all talk and come up with ways to help eachother thru things. they have helped me i must say.
im so sorry ur going thru this but it does pass with the correct encouragement and help.hope ive helped u in some way and its nice to know that im not the only one out there with this horrible thinking pattern.u will get better.
let me know how u get on.
takecare
cathy.
sam all i can say is that it will pass with the right thearapy and maybe medication to help u along .im in this charity now called no panic which has helped me alot,its a tenner to be a member for a yr and they have a nd do so much for u like 24 hr telephone helpline and telephone recovery programmes were there is a group of about 9 10 ppl all online and u all talk and come up with ways to help eachother thru things. they have helped me i must say.
im so sorry ur going thru this but it does pass with the correct encouragement and help.hope ive helped u in some way and its nice to know that im not the only one out there with this horrible thinking pattern.u will get better.
let me know how u get on.
takecare
cathy.
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